change

It's been 9 months since Avery grew her angels wings.  It was a hard one for me because I carried her for 9 months and she has been gone for 9 months.  I can't believe we have been on this journey for 18 months.  I can still remember the details of the day I found out I was pregnant as if it was yesterday.

I went through a really hard time back in August.....One day while at work I was minding my own business working and all of a sudden I lost it.  I was crying like a loon in my cube for a good 5 minutes and I feel a tap on my shoulder.  My boss, asked me if I was okay and needed to leave and over his shoulder I could see my other co-workers looking at me with worry.  I told him I needed to leave but Eric had the car because we rode together that morning.  My parents only live 5 minutes away but I had to get out of there.  So my boss offered to take me home.  So here I am with my boss of over 1 month crying like a loon all the way to marion.  I am sure he was wondering if he needed to fire me!  It was then and there I knew I needed a change.  I needed a change in attitude and jobs.  Since I have been traveling with my new job I haven't had as much time to dwell on Avery's passing.  My new co-workers and boss have welcomed me with open arms. 

Eric and I are doing well.  Our relationship is has grown stronger and much closer to God.  I know from the depths of my soul that's Avery's main purpose was to bring is closer, to save our marriage.  I miss that girl more than I can even begin to describe.  She forever changed me.  My out look on life is much different than it was 18 months ago.  I cherish everything.  I live each moment like the Lord is coming that moment.  I am waiting with great anticipation for the day He calls ET and I home so that we may join Him in paradise with Avery. 

We talk often about what Avery would look like.  We talked about what food she would like the other day.  I said mashed potatoes and he said applesauce :)  He will randomly ask me what he thinks we would be doing with Avery.  I always say zurberting her chubby belly and legs and he said, we can't always play zurbert :)  Oh, how I can't wait to touch her again!  To see her beautiful face and to never let her out of my sight again.  I feel like such a horrible mommy for leaving her body at the hospital.  I still have no idea how I left, how I turned my back and walked out of that place without her.  How could I leave her in that room, swaddled, and all alone?!?!?  I know the nurses went in there as we left but I still feel horrible for leaving her. 

Please join me in prayer for the Robinson family.  They found out today their 7 year old son has two malignant tumors.  You can read their story at: www.sweetlifewithboys.blogspot.com

The World is Spinning and I am Standing Still

I cannot believe it's been 8 months since I laid eyes on Avery for the first time.  8 months since I feel in love with that tub of love, since my world was shattered when our baby girl didn't make a noise after they removed her from my womb, since I knew what being a "momma" felt like, and the only time I was blessed to hear her cry.

As time goes on I feel like I am standing still. Oct. 5th was year mark that we found out Avery's arms and legs were not measuring 21 weeks like the rest of her body, but 15 weeks. Oct 7th was the day we were told with certainty she had Achondoplasia. Oct. 9th was the day we told we didn't have to accept this diagnosis, that God could heal her, and that's the day we spoke of a supernatural healing over Avery. She received her healing....just not the one we spoke over her. She received a healing greater than we ever asked for. I miss her more and more with each passing second. If someone tells you time heals all wounds, don't listen to them. Nothing will heal the pain of losing a child, except when our Lord calls us home and we can be with her again! Each day is a struggle to get through but each day that passes is one more day closer to being with her. I long to kiss her sweet lips and smell her again.  To feel her in my arms again would be heaven on earth.

ET and I debate on what she would be for Halloween. I say a pea in the pod, a lady bug, or pumpkin, but he says a peanut! We talk about her alot and wonder what she would be doing. What her laugh would sound like and what would make her laugh. Since we expected her to be here with us it's hard to not think of those things. I had a bad day on Tuesday and my mom picked me up for work. I was talking about how I wanted Avery here and she kept saying that she is better off because she would have no quality at life but we were expecting a healthy baby. Not one that would have flat ribs, flat vertebra, extremely short limbs, a depressed nasal bridge, a bell shaped thorax, redundant skin folds bossed forehead, and femurs that looked like telephone receivers. I never imagined I would be holding our sweet baby girl as she took her last breath. I never imagine I would leave that hospital without her. I never imagined this would ever happen to us.

I am stuck and I need a change.

I took a new position back in July because they were changing the clinic I worked at and the new company didn't employ RN's. I took this position knowing that by the end of 2012 or sooner the software system I would support and educate on would be switched to another system, I took it in hopes that I would also be the clinical support for it. Well......the corporation I work for has an Information Systems team and a Clinical Informatics team.....the Clinical Informatics team will be educating on the software and the IS team already has a system support team at our corporate IS center.....soo.....that leaves me with no job. I was called for an interview with the CI team but I don't want to drive to Johnson City daily (an hour and a half drive) if my home hospital is not JMH. So, I applied with the software system I work PRN for. I flew out to Dallas on Wednesday and received a job offer the next day. The pay and benefits are way too phenomenal to pass up. The downside however is I will be traveling weekly, Monday through Thursday. I need something to keep my mind busy and I feel this job will. Eric and I have weighed the pro's and con's of the job and we think we can do it. I am just glad I don't have to move to Dallas, that place is flat! I def can't move away from the mountains!

I hate to leave JMH.  I have formed a family there and it broke my heart when I gave my notice on Friday.  I work with a great group of people and leaving them is going to be hard.  We are extremly short staffed as it is and I feel terrible for leaving but I have to do that is best for me.  Side note: Dog are amazing.  I am getting emotional and guess who decides to hop on the couch and put her head on my arm....yep, Molly :) 

Misery loves company

Dr. Misery,

You first made your appearance known to me on Monday, it is now Wednesday and I am tired of your company. I will ask that you kindly leave my home. Thanks, Becky.

I haven't cried this much or been this miserable in months. I don't know what is wrong with me.

Eric and I went to Rain, a local restaurant, for dinner tonight. We decided to run on down to Bristol while we were out and go to Best Buy and Target. I don't know what it is about Target but I always lose it in there. I walked by the toddler clothes and did okay, looked at some of the cute Halloween shirts.....then the baby clothes are next. I couldn't help but stop and touch a few of them. There was a stuffed elephant with it's trunk up so I had to play with it for a minute. What in the world was I thinking? There are a few ways I can navigate Target and avoid the baby items all together. I guess I like to punish myself.

I am sorry the past few blogs aren't up lifting as they usually are. I could make them that way but that's not whats on my heart and mind right now. All I know is that I never thought I would be going through anything like this, or even anything remotely close to it.

No one should see their infant take their last breath. No one should long to see their child again or touch them again. I want to smell her. I want to feel her warm chubby hand on my face as I feed her. I want to hear her squill with laughter. I want to hear her cry because she needs something. I want her. Point blank.

Dogs

As many of you know Eric and I have two labrador retreivers we love to death. We have Brodie, our 5 year old boy who loves people and is extremly hyper. Then we have Molly, our 4 year old girl who is shy and laid back. Brodie is a very loving doggie, he loves to cuddle, play, and give lots of kisses. Molly loves to play and she likes to be loved on but only when she wants it.

Our dogs are not allowed on the couch. Yesterday Molly kept trying to climb on the couch and get to me. She made it once and plopped right down on me....very unsual for her. Told her to get off the couch and she did but tried to get back on again as soon as she got off. So I let her up on me and she just buried her head in my chest. After much thought about it she could sense I was about to have a break down. This am we got up early because we had someone coming by to fix a toliet so I laid back down on the couch. Again Molly makes her way on the couch. She settles in behind my knees. I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later because I am burning up. Molly had some how made her way up behind me and had one of her front legs around my neck :)

Now, Brodie is my boy. He follows me everywhere I go, even to the bathroom. He lays beside me in the bed and Molly usually hangs out at the foot of the bed. But today Molly has been my buddy. She is usually a loner and doesn't perfer ET or I, she likes Brodie much more than either of us. I went and got a Pedi and some new charms for my pandora bracelet as a pick me up and as soon as I got home she was trying to crawl up me.

It's amazing how a dog is more sensitive to feelings than humans are. She is letting me know that she knows I am hurting and that she loves me :) Yes, my dog loves me :)

struggling

I am sorry it's been such a long time since I have updated this. I started my new job back in July and have been busy with that. And honestly, I have sat down to write but I lose the words. It's as if they are all piled in my head then vanish when my fingers hit the keys.

I have been a whirl wind of emotions lately. Like today, Eric has friends over and we were watching TV and I get anxious all of a sudden. Then the urge to cry consumes me. I retreated to our room, where I am now, and curl up in a ball with one of her blankets and cry. I know one of the triggers is that we have been discussing the possibility of trying again. Sat night I went to Avery's room, grabbed some of her clothes out of the draws, clung to them with all my might, and said "I don't want another baby, I want you....."over and over. I honestly don't know how people pick up and move on. I have tired. I have tried hard. I dream about her nightly now. I don't see her, it's present day and she isn't here. I have to deal with that enough while I am awake, why do I have to be tormented in my sleep too when I do actually sleep?

I have gone through all the stages of grief and back again, guess I need to get my act together and finally pass!

I know God had a purpose in all this. But it's hard to understand if I even have any of it right in my head. I just have to give it up and stop trying to control everything like I usually do.

I just take comfort in knowing I will see her again. And when I do I will never have to say bye to her again.

Happy 4 Month Angel Day Avery!

Avery was welcomed into the Lords Kingdom 4 months ago today. I can't believe it's been 4 months. It seems like it was just yesterday when I found out we were expecting her. All I could think about this morning is when we said our good bye's to her. I still can't believe I was able to walk away from her that day. I feel like a horrible mother because I walked away from her. I wish we would have stayed longer but we knew the longer we stayed the worse it would get. She had already left this earth but her body was just so precious to us. It's still hard to fathom what happened. I talk about her all the time, I love telling new people about her, and what a great work she did for Jesus. So, she is alive in my heart but I would give my life to have her here.
I would have gladly taken her pain so she wouldn't have had to endure any of it. Avery basically smothered to death and I would have traded places with her if I was given the option to.
I would have done it so I could watch Eric be a wonderful father.
I would have done it because that is what any mother would have done.
I am not saying I wish I was dead so please don't take it that way, I am just saying I would have taken her suffering from her if I could have.

At times it feels as if we are standing still. That everything and everyone around us goes on and we are stuck. I feel like we are in a rut. We used to talk to her nightly and we don't do that anymore. I still write her letters but not as frequently. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over to her. I am sure she doesn't mind thought :)

In my last blog I talked about the job hunt not going so well. Well, on Thursday I received 2 job offers within 5 minutes. I was offered the IT job I wanted and I was offered a job to work at the First Assist that my current clinic is turning into. Apparently they got the impression I am good at what I do so the practice manager and the lead physician put their heads together to come up with an idea to keep me and they wrapped two positions into one and offered it to me. All I can say is wow! I guess my hard work has paid off! I am blessed to have these two jobs offered to me but now I have to make a choice. I hate making choices!

longing

Avery would have been 4 months old tomorrow. I have a swing that should have my sweet Avery girl in it right now with Brodie and Molly laying at her feet. I have a dresser full of the cutest baby girl clothes that Avery should be wearing or grew out of by now. I have a cabinet full of pacifiers and bottles. I have a room painted light purple with all the makings of little girl fun. And what do I have now? Empty arms.

The past few days have been rough. I find myself wondering what she would look like, what kind of sounds would she be making, what would get her attention, and who's attitude she would have. I burst into tears when I got in the car after work today. My heart couldn't take it and I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. It's hard for me to concentrate at work when my mind is on her. I think one reason why I am thinking of her so much is that I had my IUD removed due to complications and we wanted to start trying right away to have another child but I don't want another one....I want HER. I shouldn't say I don't want another one, because I do but I want her more than anything right now. However.....we are going to use oral contraceptives till September and the let the Lord take over.

Today we were running late for work and we talked about how much later we would be running if we had Avery to get ready and take to my moms. We laughed at the thoughts of her having one of those poops where it runs up their backs and it never seems to stop. How I long for sleepless nights of changing a dirty diaper and feedings. I hate hearing people fuss about not getting sleep because they were up with their child....seriously? I would give anything for that. Since I was little there was nothing I wanted to be more than a mother. Well, there was a stint when I wanted to be a witch....but anyway :) It's been a longing in my heart for a long time. During mine and Eric's hard times I didn't want children. I thought that bringing a child into our world would not be fair to them. After many years of trying to conceive we gave up. I thought a child would make things worse, but getting pregnant with Avery was the best thing for us. We finally had someone to concentrate on other than ourselves.

Still no luck with finding a job. I have interviewed for one I really want but haven't heard a yes or no on it..........I am really hoping that job works out. I will still be at the same hospital and that is one of my main goals. I don't want to lose any of my years of service, pto, and I don't want to have to learn a new set of people. I hate change and if I can minimize the change I will try my best to. I am just so confused about all of it. I really didn't need this to happen but it is what it is.......I just don't know if I can handle much more.

Eric got me an iPad for my birthday! It's pretty cool.

Sorry this post is random....I just can't quite gather my thoughts tonight.

living again

I woke up this morning and set a goal for myself....to start living again. I can't hide in my corner anymore. I can not remain stagnate.

Sunday in church Pastor Beck preached on Matthew 24. This is where God gives us signs of the end times. He wasn't preaching on this because of the whole May 21st thing, we have been reading through the book of Matthew for quite some time now and that is just where we happened to be. I do not know when the Lord will come but I can tell you that I want to be ready with each breath I take. At the end of service there are always deacons standing at each exit, one took ET's hand, and said, you will get to see that little one again soon. It's amazing how God works. I cried all through service because the worship team sang Glorious Day....my fav song of all time and cried tears of joy knowing I will see her again and then that man said that to ET.

On Saturday I went to Plum Alley Day with Andi and her daughter Aubrie who will be turning 4 next month. I was sitting there watching all the mothers with their babies and was starting to get anxious when out of the but Aubrie looks me dead in the face and says, "where's your baby?". It's been almost 4 months since Avery passed and it's the first time she has said anything about her. I said, "she's in heaven with Jesus". God knew I needed a distraction and to talk about her. Yesterday Eric said he was missing her a few times during the day and then he watched his nephew Chase while his parents went to a funeral. They were playing leggo's and he asked ET out of the blue if he cried when Avery passed away, he of course said yes, and Chase said his brother Dylan did too. Eric said Chase sat there for a few minutes and said, "well, don't worry, you will see her again". He is 6. How sweet!!! It is these times that make up for the bad ones. For instance...I have had one guy in the IT department at work ask me TWICE how my baby is doing......really...you honestly don't remember the first time you asked and I cried like a loon and told you she passed away......people kill me sometimes.

I get my IUD removed in 7 days and I can not wait! My body just doesn't like it and I can't wait to make another baby! I hope the Lord blesses us with another one soon. And I hope it's another beautiful girl. I want a house full of mean rotten girls :) Of course they will all have their daddy wrapped around their finger! Avery had him wrapped around her finger the first time he heard her heart beat! When we talk about names nothing ever seems right....I just love the name Avery and nothing seems to equal it. But we are jumping the gun on the names thing....we tired for 2 years before Avery was conceived but the Lords timing with her was perfect. He sent her to save my life but most importantly my marriage.

God is soo good and wonderful. When I sit back and think of how He made the earth, created man, healed the sick, raised the dead, and that He created me, it truly amazes me and I wonder how people can not believe in Him. I've been asked many times if I am angry at God over Avery's passing. How could I be? He blessed us with that tub of love for 39 weeks in my womb, and 3 days on this earth. He created her for a purpose. She had more of an impact on this earth in 3 days than either Eric or I have in almost 29 years. Yes, I am hurt she isn't here but I will see her again and when I do lay eyes on her again, it will be for eternity. I will never have to say bye to her again. What a Glorious Day that will be!

post vacation

The beach was fantastic! Going right before peak season is the best time to go. A physician that works in my clinic owns a condo in Santa Rosa Beach, Fl, which is 12 miles east of Destin, and after Avery passed I knew we needed a get away and I asked if we could use it, to which he said "it's yours" before I could get the question out.

While reading a book about grieving I found a statistic that floored me but now that we are further into the grieving process than when I read it the statistic makes sense. 60% of couples who endure an infant loss will be divorced within 2 years. The second I read that I told Eric and we promised each other that we would not be a couple who becomes part of that statistic. And getting away was an idea we had to help us grow closer.

The trip is 11 hours one way. We had a great time along the way. We stopped and ate at one of our fav southwestern grills. Had crazy conversations to keep each other awake. I had some GI issues after eating at said fav southestern grill during a dead spot in Alabama.....that was an adventure! We finally arrived a little after midnight, took our stuff in, and then headed to the beach. I love the smell of the ocean at night. We were wired by the time we got there so we watched a few episodes of criminal minds......which is never a good idea that late at night in an unfamiliar place :) We were in a different time zone so I woke up really early the next day. I went there last year with some friends so I knew my way around and went to Wal-Mart for some food before 8am! When I got back I woke ET up and we headed for the beach. It was our 6 year wedding anniversary and the day that some "Christians" believed would be the day the Lord was coming for His children. We basked in the sun and thanked the Lord for his beautiful creation. There is something about being at the beach.........it feel more closer to Him, physically and emotionally. To know He made such a wonder just by speaking it puts me in awe. We talked alot about the Rapture. We are good at keeping each other accountable, making sure our hearts are ready for the Lord to come at any second so that we can join Avery in Heaven when our physical time clock runs out. We talked about how cute Avery would be, a big ball of love in a tiny baby bikini, and how spoiled she would be :) It was a bit hard seeing other infants and seeing my fav childrens clothing stores when we went shopping. We saw a build-a-bear workshop and wondered what Avery would pick out for herself. We did think to have something made for her to put by her urn but decided not to for some reason.

When we would see families out with their small children I would feel a tug at my heart. Thinking that should be us. Longing for what they had....which I know is wrong. The Lord will bless us with another child when the time is ready, which I pray is sooner than later.

The good days are starting to out weigh the bad. But that doesn't mean I miss her any less. I miss her more with each beat of my heart. I can smile at her pictures now. I used to just break down and cry when I would look at them but they bring me joy now. When I look at the one of me kissing her I can feel it as if it was that day again. It makes me want to go back to that day and smother her with more kisses and hugs.


Today we were watching something and a baby on the show was crying. Eric said he wasn't looking forward to all the crying of a baby but he can't wait for it now :) I always knew he would be a good daddy but not this good :)

What a nice surprise to cone home to!

Through my friend Kim, who also had a daughter with TD, I found this blog where you can put your decest childs name on a waiting list and have their name written in the sand! They only open their request page at certain times and you have to catch it at the right moment and I did a few days before we left for our vacation. I didn't check the waiting list because I thought it would be a week or so before she made it there but I checked it today and her name wasn't there. So, I thought I messed it up and my request didn't go through but I started to scroll through the names for May and there it was! It was done on the day we left for our beach vacation :) I can't wait to get the prints and hang one in the house and in my office!

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/05/avery-grace-coley.html

crazy life

Avery's marker has been laid! It's sooo pretty! We got our bill in the mail on Saturday which included a picture of the marker! On Sunday after church Eric and I went in search of it. We couldn't find it. We left our map of the cemetery at home but thought if we looked for fresh dirt we could find it. We drove around that place 10 times and gave up. Our parents came over later in the evening and we went in search of it. We found it right off the bat :) Well, Eric did :) My dad brought a ceramic duck with blue flowers in it. I am glad he thought of it because we didn't. Even though we had her cremated it was important to our families to have a "memorial site". I guess it's just a cultural thing for them.

Eric and I are going on an anniversary/vacation trip on Friday. We are leaving for Destin, FL at noon! I am soooo excited! We haven't taken a solo trip in a very long time. Saturday is our 6 year wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have been married that long! I am glad to get away and celebrate. Last year we weren't on the best terms and didn't do anything so I am thankful we are doing well and are able to go away and enjoy each others company. I am sad to leave Brodie and Molly behind and I would take them with me if I could but a 10 hour drive would be misery for them.

There are lots of things going on for me now. I am having complications from my IUD and will be having it removed in June. I won't go on any other form of birth control. I know the Lord will bless us with another child when the time is right. I am also job hunting :( The hospital system I work for also has a medical office system under them that has Urgent Care Centers within it so they will be handing us over to them. They don't hire RN's to do the patient care and there is already someone who does my job. I am broken hearted over this. The people I work with are family. We have formed our own family there. We have all been there since it opened except two people.....3.5 years later. They will help us find other jobs within our hospital system but I am spoiled to my M-F, no weekends schedule. But God will lead me where I am to go. I am super nervous because I've never not received a job offer after an interview....I am scared of rejection.

I miss her. We talk often about how much we miss her even though she was only here for 3 days, actually 39 weeks and 3 days. I count from the time she was conceived. We still have our good days and bad days. The good are starting to out weigh the bad. But there isn't a moment that passes that I don't miss her. I was at the mall with a friend last week and we went into Crazy 8, a new children's clothing store that Gymboree opened, and they had the sweetest bathing suits! There was a two piece neon green one that I could just picture Avery in! All head and belly :) I can see her on the beach with us in that suit, white rimmed sunglasses, and a hat to protect her sweet baby skin. I told Eric about it and he said she would have to have a 3 month extra large because she was so big around :) The other night I held up her "coming home outfit" and we laughed at how it would have never fit her, it was way too small! I went through some of her clothes Monday night and just pictured her in them. Her dark hair would have been so pretty with all the purple and pink clothes she had. You can tell I am a hippie at heart with the clothes I picked out for her!

I still haven't put her baby items up. I just can't do it. Her swing is still in her play area, her pack and play is still up in our bedroom, and her room is exactly the same as when we left the morning I had her. Time goes on and it feels as if I am standing still. I want her here. I want to play with her hair and take in her scent. I've learned through this that grief is very individual and no book on grief will make you feel better. They are good at explaining the emotions with each stage and explaining that it is different for every one.

Maybe one day I will write a book about our journey through hearing bad news about our baby girl, believing without ceasing for a total physical healing, experiencing the death of our baby girl, and life afterwards. I will have to have a ghost writer of course.........I should have paid attention in english class!

mothers day and 3 months

Yesterday was a very emotional day for us.

Saturday night Eric told me I needed to go to bed and give him some time to get my mother's day gift from Avery ready.

I woke Sunday morning with a note in the shape of a heart beside my cell phone from Avery! I went to the bathroom and there was a note on the mirror that said, I love you because you are beautiful like me....Eric said I had notes all over the kitchen and living room. There were ten total, all of which had a special saying, each one strategically placed. The one of walking by faith was under a shoe, the one of taking care of her daddy was under our wedding photo, the one of being a christian woman was on my bible, the one of loving her was under a willow tree figurine of a mother holding her baby close......I cried and cried. I never thought Eric had something so loving in him.

I gave birth to that baby girl 3 months ago today.

3 months ago today I laid eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world.

3 months ago today we had the biggest scare of our lives when Avery did not come out crying and she had to be resuscitated.

3 months ago today my heart melted and I never felt as much love as I did when I laid eyes on Avery for the first time.

3 months ago today my heart was crush and ripped from my chest when Avery was on the brink of death.

3 months ago today thousands joined us in prayer.

3 months ago God used Avery to knock on the hearts of many who did not know Him.

I sincerely do not believe anyone when they say time heals. Each day is more crippling for me. I miss her more than words can describe. Just when I think the pain can't get any worse it does. When that pain consumes me all breath leaves my body, I feel an ache in my chest, and my arms go numb. I find myself asking why now more than ever. Why MY baby girl. Why did MY baby girl have to suffer. Why did WE have to watch our baby girl take her last breath. We are good people. We believe in You, Lord. We begged and pleaded with You. Before Avery was born, I had many visions.....her being born with a healthy body was my fav., but the one right before her birth was me seeing her for the first time in the NICU, on the ventilator, and me sitting in a wheelchair. I feel like I "willed" what happened to her because I saw that, because I allowed myself to see that. The morning we were driving to the hospital to have her I had a feeling we would never leave with her. Call it mothers intuition or knowledge from God.....but I feel as if I did something to cause this. I know this isn't true, our God is not a vengeful God. It's just the human in me. At times I want to crawl in a hole and cry myself to sleep. When I sleep I can't feel the pain, I don't miss her when I am asleep. I can't see the pain in Eric's eyes when we sleep.

Now one to something not so deep. At my last GYN appointment she said we could start trying again in 9 months from the day we had Avery. I am super excited about this! We may wait a few months longer just so I won't be huge during the summer. I would love to have a baby in October, then we could have Halloween themed birthday parties!

easter

All Easter morning I wept and wept. I kept thinking that Avery should be here and that I should be busy getting her all dolled up for church. I saw a dress at Carter's that I knew she would be adorable in! I can still envision her in it with a bow in her hair :)

I wept all during service too. Because I missed her and because that I knew I would see her again, and that brought unspeakable joy to my heart.

Eric was having a bad day yesterday. He said all he could think about is what Avery would look like now. We talk alot about what we think she will look like in heaven but not here. I can't stand it when he has a bad day. There is something about grown men crying that rips me into pieces. When he and my dad cry it's all over. I cry all the time so it doesn't affect him the way him crying does me. I can remember being on the OR table and Avery not crying as she came out. I said "She's not crying ET"........he reassured me Avery would be fine, then we heard them say start CPR. Tears began streaming down his face. I can close my eyes and see it all over again, The nights of crying in pain over Avery. He had a bad night that Thursday and I had a bad night that Friday. I didn't cry hysterically, I just wept all night. I had a feeling that it was our last day with Avery. I did cry hysterically when the decision was made. It's almost been 3 months since her birth but it feels like yesterday.

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her move. I truly loved being pregnant. I didn't mind the aches and pains, the "normal" signs and symptoms of pregnancy. I treasure the stretch marks I have. They are a permanent mark on my body as a reminder of my sweet baby girl. The right side of my stomach pouches out farther then the left, it's where she kept her head. I miss her having hiccups and my entire belly jumping as she had them. I'd carry her for a lifetime, she was safe there. She's in a much better place now but I am just saying if that is how I could keep her here physically then I would do it.

I was sooo scared about being a mom. That was my biggest fear. How silly. Being a nurse I knew there could be potential problems but her passing never crossed my mind. Yes, she would be small, yes, her legs may be bowed and she would need surgery to fix them, yes, she could have hydrocephalus and have headaches as she grew older. These were things we could do something about. But her passing away....we couldn't do anything about that. Her purpose was served.

I have recently came into contact with a family who is involved with March of Dimes. They had a daughter born 4 months early and was released from the NICU the day of Avery's birth. The father is going to include Avery in his speech at the walk on Saturday. I ask you pray for this baby girl and her parents. Her name is Gracie. Thanks!

Thanks to those of you who read and offer your support to us. We couldn't do it without you!

Random thoughts.

This one is going to be for me. I need to write (type) some things down so when my memory slips I will have a way to recall how I was feeling during this time or what was going on.

We are working on our landscaping at the house....it's about time, lol! We will have been here three summers this summer! I have asked my father-in-law to help me start a flower bed in memory of Avery. We have the perfect spot for one and have talked about doing it for years but haven't done it. It's in front of our dining room window, it's not level so we will have to build it up but I think it's the perfect spot for it! I want to fill it up with beautiful purple flowers!

The land between ours and my brother-in-laws slopes along the drive way and I want to plant the flowers that look like they creep along everything! I don't know what they are called but most of them are purple and pink :) I think it's cool how we liked the color purple for Avery and it's a Royal color. Many people in heaven have sashes the color of purple (I know this from the book Heaven is for Real). The little boy that's story is told in that book mentioned the purple sashes :)

Speaking of that book, it gave me great peace of Avery's appearance in Heaven. I know she has wings, wears a robe of white, and could be any age when we get there. I hope she's around 3, has long dark brown hair, and her daddy's attitude :) How I can't wait to see her again. Just typing this makes me weep, my arms get numb, and I feel that ache in my heart. Sometimes the weeping is of anticipation and others it's of sorrow. I know I shouldn't want her here on this earth but I want her soo badly! I always worried about her being picked on when she arrived as a "small person", I knew she would get picked on regardless but I worried that it would be more than usual. But I don't have to worry about that! There is no such thing in Heaven :)

I've been back at work for 2 weeks now and getting caught up and back in the swing of things. I still wish I could not have returned but people there depend on me and life goes on. I know I have said "life goes on" alot but I have to tell myself that over and over. I have to remind myself that Avery can see me and I know she doesn't want to see me waste my life. I want her to be proud of me! I want her to grab her angel friends and say, "look! there's MY mommy, she's a great nurse!"

I had never thought of going into ministry or thought that's what God wanted me to do until after Avery's life came and went. As many people that she brought together in prayer and changed lives by word of mouth about her I could only imagine how many people could be brought to Christ if we went around the country telling people her story, about our faith of a complete healing of her body, and NOT being defeated when we didn't get the miracle we prayed for. God performed many miracles through her! I am sooo thankful that our parents raised us in the church and instilled God's word in our hearts.

I am sooooo glad one of those miracles was to bring ET and I closer together. At the time we were going through a very rough patch and God knew we needed her to bring us back to where we needed to be in our marriage. He knew we needed to hear not good news about our baby girl to draw us closer to Him. Avery's conception was done with purpose. We prayed Psalm 139 over her nightly. He wove her together in the dark of my womb. He knew we needed her. He knew the world needed her. There are no mistakes when babies are conceived. Each one is a gift from God. We might not understand the circumstances or why their lives may end before birth or shortly after, but they had a purpose and their purpose was full filled.

Wow, I got a bit preachy there!

Friends

Last night my girlfriends came over and brought dinner for me. After we had finished eating Duncan had a sneaky grin on her face and was holding a bag in her hand......if you know this girl you never know what she is up to :) We were all on the couch, she handed me a card, and passed around a wrapped boxes to all the girls. I opened Duncan's first, it was a bracelet, I thanked her for the bracelet and put it on :) Well, I then had to take it off because I was told too, Rose held it out for me. They each handed me their gifts and in each box was a charm to go on the bracelet! Each was something special that meant alot about Avery and her short life. We all sat and cried. I tried to lighten the mood by saying who the gift was from and something that was funny and personal between me and that person. We then endulged in a honeybun cake, played apples to apples, and reverted back to 10th grade :) I am soo blessed to have such wonderful ladies in my life! Ones to help me through the pain, lift me up, and let me know that they haven't forgotten Avery.


Some say time heals all wounds. But I don't know about the wound of losing a child. It gets harder and harder every day. The longing gets worse. Some days I can function, others I just sit on the couch in shear misery. I just sit and cry. Stare off into space. Wonder what she's doing in Heaven. Wonder what she looks like. Mainly ponder on what life would be like if she were here. I want soooo badly to touch her. Last night ET asked me what was the first thing I wanted to do with Avery was when we got to heaven. I couldn't narrow it down to one thing but the three most important are to kiss her, hug her, and tell her a thousand times that I love her.


I have always felt I was in God's will. That he had something very special ahead of me and was going to do big things in my life for Him. I had no idea that it was to witness to others through the loss of my daughter though. The only way I can survive this is to glorify Him for her life and for the purpose she served.

and life goes on

I returned to work this week. I worked half a day Wednesday, worked up to a 6 hour day Thursday, and then did a full 8.5 hours yesterday. I never thought I would get caught up but I actually did and go a huge head start on a few things. I actually enjoyed being back at work. It's nice to have a routine back. I haven't had to do any patient care yet which is a good thing. I staff half a day Wednesday.....I haven't even tried on my scrubs to see if they fit yet! I guess I should do that soon in case I need to purchase a new set to get me through until I can get back into my regular ones :) I am soo anxious about taking care of a pregnant lady. I miss my belly. I miss Avery being there, all safe, and sound. On Thursday when I went to run errands at the hospital I was sooo scared of seeing someone who didn't know about Avery's passing. I kept my head down and prayed no one would notice me. And it worked! The places I needed to go were places where everyone knew about her. I was very emotional that day and was afraid of what would come out of my mouth or if I would cry on someone. Most of the time I don't mind people asking how she is......because I get to say, "She is doing well actually, she's in heaven." That doesn't always come out though.....some times it's, "uh...er....she passed...." or "um, well, she didn't survive." It's like Forrest Gump's box of chocolate bit....you never know what you are gonna get. Eric picked me up from work yesterday and I get in the car and notice he's quiet (which if you know my husband is not like him at all) then I realize what song is playing.....Cinderella. I grab his hand and kiss it. We quietly cried together, missing those moments we looked forward to experiencing with Avery. Then Glorious Day came on. I smiled the biggest smile (the one where my eyes disappear :)) and laughed. God and Avery were reminding us to not dwell or be sad.....that one Glorious Day He will return and take us Home! We will see her again, we will hold her again, we will kiss our sweet baby girl again....one glorious day! The days get harder but each day that comes and goes is just one more day that brings us closer to meeting Jesus! Speaking of that Glorious Day.....Last night we had a ginormous storm system come though. Lots of lightning and thunder. It was a little after 2am when I heard the loudest and longest roar of thunder I have ever heard, the house shook it was soo loud. I honestly thought the Lord was coming. I shook Eric awake and told him I thought the Lord was coming and he said, "how awesome would that be". We laid there in silence for a few minutes then I asked Eric if he was asking God to forgive him of his sins and he said yes, I replied...."Well, good, I am too, and I want you to go with me."

Keeping focus

It's been a very rough week. I am getting more anxious as my return to work date draws near. I have to go back, I don't want to, but life MUST go on. I can't sit here at the house all day long or make trips to Target just to get out of the house and leaving with more stuff than I need. It will be good to get back into a routine. I got my Merina yesterday. We decided on that route of birth control because with oral contraceptives it can take a year for your cycle to become normal and as soon as the iud is out, your cycle is back to normal right away. We plan to have it out March of 2010 and start trying for baby #2 then. We hope to have another girl so we can use alot of Avery's clothes and such. She was such a blessed baby! We have more clothes than she would have needed. I have given some items away but most of the stuff I am very attached to and can't part with. My mom and I went to a Tanger Outlet Center after we found out Avery was a girl and she went crazy buying stuff. I would pick up stuff here and there and boy did it amount up! She was very blessed at her baby shower too! Many of her big items, crib, pack and play, and swing are gender neutral. Her baby bag however is not, it has a coral trim....don't think a boy would like that! I had mixed feeling about using her stuff on another child but I honestly don't think she would care :) So, when I got home yesterday I did some more research on the Merina and scared myself! I wanted it out right then and there. Most of the comments on it were positive, only a handful were bad, but bad enough for me to question if I did the right thing. I sure hope I did because my insurance only covered less than half of it and I had to fork out the rest! I've been having a hard time dealing with Avery's death the past few weeks. At times I get angry, others I am glad she's not on this horrible earth, but most of the time I am just sooo sad. Looking at her picutres brings me to tears. I wonder what she would look like now, how much would she weigh, and what her cry would sound like. I can't sleep. All I can do at night is think of her, how she should be beside us, waking us up at all hours of the night for a feeding and a diaper change. Many people complain about such things but I know that with our next I will cherish it. The other night we were wondering what her coo would sound like, so in ET and Becky fashion, we laid in bed and made cooing sounds! It was hilarious! Its those moments that get us through, knowing her purpose was served, and that we WILL see her again one day! It's amazing how people remember us. I ran into the ultrasound tech at the doc yesterday who did all but one of our ultrasounds, she ran up to me, and hugged me. She said that one day she was talking to Dr. Welt and mentioned that I said I would bring Avery by to meet her and I hadn't yet, and he told her about Avery. She cried, told me how sorry she was, and said she had been praying for us. They do multiple ultrasounds all day long so it tickles me when people remember us. I am going to NC this weekend to visit one of my best friends and Eric is going to Atlanta with his buddies. They are going to Wrestlemania! HAHA! They invited me but I kindly declined the offer! Hopefully some time out of town will do us both some good. We are going to Destin in May!! Driving over to Orlanda for a few nights and then we plan to go to Clearwater to meet another couple who unfortunaltey experienced the same thing we did with Avery just a few weeks after us. They are soo sweet and I can't wait to meet them!

sleepless nights

Insomnia has become my best friend.

I had been sleeping really well since we came home. It wasn't until last night when I realized I started not sleeping well. It was when my sister had her baby girl. I am extremely happy for her and harbor no resentment or ill feelings towards her or her child but it just makes me wonder why couldn't I have what she has. It's funny how our lives are so much more different than we always said they would be when we were little. I just knew I would have a house full of children by the time I was 26, here I am, almost 29, and have none here physically. She said she probably wouldn't have kids, here she is almost 27, and has 2. God plans are very much different than our own. Thank goodness His supersedes! Although I know Avery's purpose was served, I will wonder why, why us, and why her.

I have never slept well, so I don't know why it's a surprise to me that I am not sleeping well now. I guess we were just so exhausted from the hospital stay, planning Avery's memorial, and having visitors my body was wore out. It's wore out now. The lack of sleep is starting to wear on me. I have dark circles under my eyes (thank God for Mary Kay) and don't want to do anything. All I want to do is lay around the house. But I also know these are all signs of depression. Which is to be expected from what all I've been through. Before we left the hospital they asked me if I wanted anything and I said "yes!". Even gave them the name of the med I wanted with the dosage :) Thank goodness they agreed, they probably would have given me anything I asked for.

So, I have found a dwelling place, and I need to get out of it! Please pray that I can move on and not look back, that the days will get easier, and that sweet slumber will find me again.

Avery's Urn

The director of the funeral home called today and said Avery's urn was ready and that he would be honored to drop it by our house on his way home! It's much prettier than we thought it would be! Now we have some of Avery's earthly body with us :)

I also got her Social Security Card in the mail today. I received our new insurance cards with Avery's name on them last week too. Both were heart breaking events but little memento's we can keep. I need to start a scrapbook. However, I am not good with that kinda artsy stuff.

We finally got around to hanging some of Avery's framed pictures today. I am hosting a 31 party tomorrow (the consultant is donating her commission to the March for Babies!) and we thought it would be a good idea to get them up and show our beautiful baby off! I have been a busy bee today, cleaning for the party, getting some goodies ready, grocery shopping, taking our niece Bre to pitching practice, and then working on Avery's page for her daddy's scrapbook. He's at basic training right now, and left a 2 weeks before Avery's birth. So her mom thought it would be a good idea to include a few pages of her. It was fun and an honor to do!

The past few days have been okay emotionally. However I did have a mini breakdown today. I needed to take some stuff up to Avery's room. I always dread the walk up the stairs and find myself asking God for strength with each step. Her crib gets me every time. I always end up just staring at it, thinking about how she should be napping there. Usually within seconds I end up wilted over her crib sobbing, touching her bedding ever so softly, and saying her name over and over. I see our glider and imagine rocking her in it. If she would not have had that fatal skeletal dysplasia I could have her in my arms. My heart aches for her in a way I can't explain. Others I've talked to who have lost a child say it does ease with time. I don't know how. This pain is so alive in me, I don't think it will ever fade. And I don't know if I want it to. I feel that if the pain isn't the same then maybe I'm starting to forget her. I'm already starting to forget small things about the three days she was here and if you know me well, you know that isn't like me. Even under these circumstances, it's not like me to forget anything, even down to the smallest thread of detail. I'm starting to mix up the nurses who took care of me on specific days and the NICU nurses who took care of Avery. I know that the memory problems are a part of the grieving stage I am in, I just hope they come back to me.

Those were the most precious three days God has even given me and I don't eer want to forget a single moment of those days.

Angel Day

Eric and I have declared that the 12th be "Angel Day". It's much nicer than "death anniversary" or anything of that nature. It helps make this date much more bearable.

We went to visit Amy and her family this weekend. Eric meet Ocie and got to hold her a few times. It was hard for either of us when we held her, given the day (it's been exactly one month since Avery grew her angel wings). I remember how I felt the first time Eric held Avery. It was Feb 10th around 2pm. We had just received the news that Avery had TD and wasn't going to survive. We stood by her bedside after he told us and Eric in a low voice asked if I thought they would let us hold Avery, I said probably not since she was still unstable. It wasn't one minute later that Sydney (Avery's awesome nurse) asked if we wanted to hold her. I held her first and then handed her over to Eric (with help from the nurses :)). It was the best feeling in the world to see him hold his daughter, even though we had just heard the unthinkable, holding her was the best medicine we could have asked for at that moment. They took pictures of us holding her and printed them off for us. They are treasured pictures. That day is mostly a blur to me, the clearest part is when we got to hold her. If I am repeating myself with any of the details, I am sorry. It really helps me to talk about her and the events that occurred during her short life.

On the way home tonight the song 'Cinderella' by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio and I lost it. Eric always talked about dancing with Avery. In the song the daughter always goes to her dad, practices dancing as a child, for prom, and for her wedding with her daddy. I never had this relationship with my dad and I just knew Avery would with Eric. As the flood of tears stream down my face and the agonizing pain takes over my heart I got angry. It's been one month since Avery's "Angel Day" and I finally got mad. Mad enough to ask why us and declare from the deepest part of my broken heart, that it's not fair. How do people who do not take care of their unborn babies by subjecting them to alcohol and drugs have healthy babies and not us? Why do two loving people who professed and believed in a miracle of a total healing of their child, have their daughter taken away from them? And how silly does it sound ask for a healing of a body that would just be "small"? I'd give anything to have Avery here as a "small person". I'd give anything to just have her here! Yes, I know, she's in a much better place but geez! I am only human and I want my daughter!!!! I want to hold her in my arms and gaze at her beautiful face. I want to feel her breathe and move in my arms.

And praise God that I will be able to gaze at her beautiful face again, one sweet day.

Ocie Lynn and One Month

Our sweet beautiful niece Ocie Lynn was born yesterday at 3:26pm, weighing in at 8.3lbs and she is 19 inches long :) She has a head full of jet black hair and she has very asian facial features! Mom and dad both said the second they looked at her that she looked just like me as a baby! Lets pray she grows out of it :) Mom and baby are doing well. I am so thankful and glad I was there to witness this miracle. I was at the head of the bed while Jeff was at Amy's side. She was a trooper! She did it with no epidural! She has inspired me to NEVER try what she did :) I am so proud of her!

Ocie was born on 3/8/11, 3 plus 8 is 11. Avery was born in 2/9/11, 2 plus 9 is 11. We thought that was pretty cool.

Today is Avery's one month birthday! I gave birth to one of God most beautiful creations one month ago today. I didn't realize that I had also given birth to one of God's most precious angels at that time. How lucky that we are to be the parents of an angel! I love to look at her picutres, they bring me great joy and pain at the same time. She is so beautiful. I just want to hug her and whisper in her ear that I love her.

I miss her more and more every day. The pain doesn't ease at all, if anything it intensifies with each passing second. I long for her in such a way I never thought existed. My love for her abounds all other loves except for God and Eric. If I didn't believe she could see us I don't think I could go on. I know she sees us and knows our hearts. As I have said in the past, I can feel her arms around me at times, and I am going to do my best to never let her see me do anything that would cause her to not be proud of me. You would think that just having God know every move I make that I would be more cautious of my words and actions but she's my daughter. I still want to be a role model to her.

Eric and I were talking the other night about what age we thought/hoped Avery would be when we reach heaven. I hope she's 2 or 3. And I hope she's a chubby monkey! I can't wait to see her with her wings, introduce us to the disciples, and all the people we have read about in the bible.

I can't get all my thoughts together right now so I might update more later.

Bleeding Heart

The pain I have felt today should bring blood. I didn't know heartache could bring such physical pain. My heart aches, it literally aches. It aches for Avery. To hold her close.

I never would have believed you if you told me 4 weeks ago that Avery wasn't going to make it, that her dysplasia was incompatible with life, and that we would have to make the hardest decision of our lives. Sometimes I still don't believe it. That our angel is just that, an angel watching over us now, instead of us watching over her as we imagined we would be doing right now. I want to hear her cry, hear her coo, and I can just imagine her voice. I love little girl voices! They are so sweet and innocent.

I have to go back to work in what seems like no time. I am very much dreading it. I love my team members and they are the best friends/family anyone could ask for, it's taking care of infants and children I am dreading. I am dreading seeing well infants who just have an acute illness. I am dreading seeing the child you always wonder about when they walk out the door., The one where you wonder if they are cared for at home, are they fed well, do their parents even realize what a gift they have? How can I care for others when I am not well myself? I am mad. I am angry. I am a mother who's daughter was born with a fatal skeletal dysplasia. Why me? Why our family? Because God chose us. He in His infinate widsom knew we needed her. He knew we could survive this. How will we survive? I have no clue, yes, I do, our Father will carry us through. At times I feel so alone in this but I know Eric is here with me. I know God will never fail me. These are the two most important men in my life, aside from my father. These are the two men I need to cling to in my times of dispare.

21 days

It's been 21 days since we said goodbye to Avery's earthly body.

It's been 21 days since we bravely held on tight to one another and made our last walk to the NICU at JCMC to see Avery.

It's been 21 days since we told each other we had to be strong for her, that she didn't need to feel our pain or suffering while we held her for the last time.

It's been 21 days since God opened His arms and called Avery home.

It's been a very painful past 21 days.

I can remember most details of that day. I remember walking in silence as we walked hand in hand to the NICU. As we passed people in the hallways and elevator I wondered what they thought as they saw us walk by...could they possibly know what we were about to do or what we had been through...of course not, but I still wondered if it was written all over our faces. I've never held on to Eric as tight as I did when they removed the ET tube from her, we turned our backs to them and held on to each other for what seemed like eternity. Sydney, Avery's nurse, told us to turn around and that Avery was mad. And boy was she! She was beet red and had her extremities rigid. She looked like a sumo wrestler with her diaper on! We dressed her in a gown that was white and had pink roses on it. She was struggling to breathe and it was breaking my heart. I told her over and over that I loved her and it was okay to go on. I didn't want her to suffer so that faster she went to be with the Lord the better off she was. Once her breathing slowed I held her for a while in the NICU and then we went to a private room while they got Avery wrapped up. We melted when we got in there to wait on Avery. The pain is still so fresh in my heart. They brought her to us all wrapped up and in one of those plastic roll carts, the way they usually bring them to the room the first time. I mentioned to Eric how ironic it was, that they were bringing her to us like that but it was for the last time. We unbundled her and Eric held her for a while. We were crying and I was telling him how I was looking forward to watching him dance with her while she stood on his feet. He looked at me and said, I am gonna dance with my daughter, stood up, cuddled her close, and danced around the room with her. We sang to her, talked to her, kissed her, smelled her, and played with her hair. I danced with her too. I held her closely to my chest with her face against mine. It was precious. I bawled like a baby as I danced with her. We spent a few hours with her and Eric decided we needed to leave after they pronounced her or we would never leave her. He went to the restroom and I laid down on the couch and cuddled with Avery. We placed her back in the rolling cart and wrapped her up like a burrito. Said our goodbyes for the time being and walked out the door. That was the hardest goodbye and the longest walk to the car. On the way home we chatted and talked about how thankful we were for our time with her. It was the quickest ride home from JC we had ever had. I can't remember the last time Eric and I just talked to one another for an hour and a half straight.

Avery's purpose was served. She brought together thousands in prayer and her biggest accomplishment was bringing Eric and I closer to the Lord. Had we never received news that she was going to be a "small person" we would have never started reading our Bibles together, praying with each other daily, and reading verses over her nightly. We learned to trust in Him and to have a child like faith. She was preparing us for the biggest trial and heart ache of our lives. I am glad we didn't know that she had TD. Had we known we would have never enjoyed our pregnancy or hoped for her to live a happy life. We could have had an amnio performed but our perinatoloigst didn't think it was necessary, which we are very thankful for. I could not imagine knowing I was going to give birth to a child who was either going to be stillborn or die within minutes or hours. God hand His hand in all this to protect us.

Parents, as you read this please know how lucky you are, please love your spouse, and children with all your heart because you never know when the Lord will call us home.

It's been a few days since I've posted and thought I should update on how we are doing. To be honest, I am just out right sad for the most part. But in those moments of sadness I look at Avery's pictures, an instant peace surrounds me. At times I feel her sweet arms around me. I get a chill all around me and I know it's her and God watching over me. I still can't believe it's been 22 days since I gave birth. Last night as we were getting ready for bed, I looked at ET and said, you know, we always said we wouldn't have Avery sleep in the bed with us, but we both know that wouldn't have lasted at all! I'd give anything to snuggle with her again, and I will one day. How lucky are we as Christ's children to know we have an eternity in heaven with our loved ones who have gone before us? That Jesus died on the cross so that our sins are forgiven once we confess them to Him and by those wounds He sustained we are healed? These thoughts are what get us through, day by day. We talk to Avery nightly and tell her to get our mansion ready for us. What a glorious day that will be, to meet our Savior, and be reunited with our loved ones :)

My sister is about to pop any day now! We can not wait to meet our niece Ocie!

Jesus Bring the Rain

I've always loved the song Jesus Bring the Rain, little did I know the Rain He was planning to send my way. But if that's what it takes to praise Him, as the song says, so be it. It's fairly fitting to the natural weather we are experiencing the past few days too. It's raining as if it's April, not February.



The past few days have been very difficult for me. It seems as the days go by the harder coping gets. I miss her more and more every day as Eric does as well. But thank God we have each other to cling to and God. If it wasn't for God and Eric I would be wallering in a puddle some where. The pain goes beyond heart wrenching and physical. It's not something I can describe. If I could I wouldn't because I do won't anyone to experience this pain if they don't have to, or fathom how horrible it is. This is something we will never recover from, we will be able to handle it better in time, but never recover.



I was talking with one of my team members today and we were talking about we both believe God is coming to take His children home very soon. This world isn't getting any easier, it's getting harder, and if things progress it will get to where we can't afford staples or afford gas to get to work. God will not let His children suffer like that.



And now on to good stuff :) We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our niece Ocie! Amy is due on the 9th but I don't think she will make it that long. Mom and I are going to visit her tomorrow :) I have some things of Avery's that Avery wants her cousin Ocie to have. We are keeping Avery's furniture, big toy items, and her clothes. I did give some of her other cousins some baby care items, those items needed to be used. I did keep one of everything that I gave away though. It's a help to know Avery is helping others.



Again I leave ya'll with another picture of true love. Eric getting baby kisses from his sweet baby. She was a daddy's girl!!!

Today I took a Picture

This a post that the nurse, who took care of me in the OR while Avery was delivered and also the nurse who after her delivery recoved me after Avery's birth, posted about us. With her permission she has allowed me to post this:

"Today I took another beautiful picture....not one that I will misplace in a photo album or store on a memory card or accidentally delete on my phone...this picture will forever be in my heart and remember the day I take my last breath: a very special mom and dad looking into the face of their new baby with everlasting love..." February 9 at 11:36pm

It was with tears in my eyes as I read this beautiful post about our journey with Avery. I pray that anyone who hears Avery's story will be touched like this. That they will know we loved Avery more than words can describe and that we serve a loving God.

We were so lucky to have her and numerous other staff love and care for us. And when I say love, I know they did, you can't do what they do and not love those they care for.

Here is a picture of true love, me getting some sweet baby kisses :) This was two weeks ago today.........my heart aches for the day we will be reunited with her!

God and Avery watching over us

Today was the first day I was able to get out and not have a break down or become so anxious I needed to get home as soon as possible.

I had a few errands to run, get gas, and go by the bank before I met two great friends for lunch at Salsarita's. I was dreading going by the bank because they knew I was pregnant but figured my mother had told them of Avery's passing or that they had at least seen it in the paper. Well.....the lady that was at the drive thru didn't know, she asked how my baby girl was doing, I told her she was doing just great, that she was in Heaven now. As tears formed in her eyes she appologized with all her heart.

After lunch Andi and I went for a manicure and pedicure. The owner there is hilarious! He is Vietnamese and just like my dad on political views. When we got there he was going off about Obama and I had to translate for him a few times to the other customers as he told them to do stuff. It made me feel normal, not like the lady who's daughter died 2 weeks ago of a rare skeletal dysplasia. Although that is who I am, well, not exactly, I am a mother and a child of God. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who was perfect in every way. I felt no love like the love I felt when I laid eyes on her for the first time. I still feel that love when I think of her, see pictures of her, and feel her arms around me as she comforts me in my time of hurt. She was my best accomplishment.

Eric and I have been blessed by so many in our community. The funeral home provided her services at no charge, we asked that instead of flowers being sent to us that people used that money to make a donation to the childrens hospital,there were minimal flowers at the funeral so that makes me think there is a generous amount of money going to help those sweet babies and children. Eric and I both work at The Campus and they took up a donation for us to help with mine and Avery's medical bills. We are sooo blessed even in our time of trial. We know our Lord will always take care of us.

All of this isn't to say we don't hurt. We hurt, we cry, wonder why, and never want anyone to forget Avery. She was an angel on earth. She brought thousands together in prayer, brought people closer to God, and brought Eric and I indescribable joy :)

healing

I woke up early yesterday to clean the house and let Eric sleep in since he's been doing all the work around here for the past few months. As I was cleaning the song Halleliugh by Heather Williams came on. I instantly hit my knees. I was missing Avery a ton and that song was just what I needed to hear. As tears were streaming down my face my sweet Brodie boy came up and gave me sugar, which scared me because my eyes were closed.

I was miserable the rest of the day. I finished cleaning and bless poor Eric's heart, he didn't wake until 11. I maybe said 4 words to him until 6ish, and that was just me saying "yeah" when he would ask me if I was okay. I bawled and bawled numerous times thoughout the day. We went to dinner with some friends so that got me in somewhat of a better mood. Then when we laid down for bed I lost it. The pain I feel for the loss of our daughter was unbareable. Thank goodness Eric was able to talk me through it. I am so blessed and thankful to have him.

Today was a much better day. Well, except for either the tummy bug I picked up or food poisioning from dinner last night. I had to go today for my two week check up (even though I was feeling cruddy) and per the physician my incision is healing well. She is such a nice lady! She sat and talked about how we are coping and talked about Avery and how everyone talked about how adorable she was! As much as I liked my previous OB-GYN I am gonna stick with her. Which with our next child we will be considered high risk and will see Dr. Welt until we are cleared to go back to low risk. And I can say that with confidince. I know now how to pray for a healthy child, not to ask for a healthy child but to speak it in my prayers. I know God wants to bless us with a healthy child, no one will ever replace Avery but I think having another one will help with the healing process.

Here's to a good tomorrow!

week one

I can't believe it's been an entire week since God opened up His arms and called Avery home. It has been a week of ups and downs. A week of love and hurt. I loved Avery from the time I knew I was pregnant but I didn't know the love I would feel when I first laid eyes on her. We worried so much about Brodie and Molly before we left, how their world would change, how much we loved them....guess what, it was Friday before we even mentioned them. Yes, we love them but loving Avery was and is very different.

My heart is sooo full of love for that baby but it also hurts because she's not here. I long to hold her, we both do. The night seems to be worse. I find myself looking at the clock and replaying what was going on then. This time last week we were holding Avery while she was on the vent. Even thought I want her here, she is in a much better place, a place with no sickness, no pain, and no sorrow. I can't wait till God calls all His children home so we can be reunited with her.

Avery did a mighty big job while she was here. I have had so many people email me and tell me what an inspiration our story about Avery is and I have also had many people reach out to us who have lost a child too. I know we aren't the only ones to have suffered such a loss but at times it feels like we are in our own world of hurt. I am thankful I have such a loving supportive husband. That was one of Avery's greatest accomplishments, bringing us closer together. And through us growing closer we have grown closer to God. If we didn't have Him we would have never made it through our pregnancy, Avery's birth, and her death. I do have times where I am angry and wonder why, it's just human of me to. A friend from high school came to visit me yesterday and we talked about how (if Avery were to still be with us) we were blessed with children with special needs. We talked about how some people use drugs and drink their entire pregnancies and have normal, healthy babies and how we did everything "right". Then we also came to agreement that maybe those person's couldn't handle a special needs child, if they couldn't take care of themselves how could they care for a special needs child. When I sit back and think, I wonder what God saw in us to trust us with such a loss, that He knew we could handle it.

Please keep us in your prayers, it seems as time goes on it gets a bit harder to deal with. We have more time on our hands now that things are winding down.

who would have thought

The weather outside is just divine today! We had some errands to run and I was excited because the weather had me feeling pretty good.

Last night was pretty bad. I kept playing over and over in my head last Wednesday's events and I've done he same today. I remembered it was 1:30 when they gave us the news of Avery's prognosis and potential diagnosis of Thanatorphic Dysplasia (TD).

So, we decide to go eat at Cracker Barrel. They have their spring clothes for children out.....those dresses were sooo sweet! I had to quickly make my way by those. Then at the Sprint Store a lady was there carrying her newborn in a car seat carrier........ I know it's awful of me to get upset by these things but they are things I want. It's the human part of me. We then went to Target to get some loose fitting clothes for me and for ET to get a few things. I went to find him and I knew he would be in the eletronic section, and to get there from where I was I had to go by the baby section......that was enough. My head started to spin, I became angry, and had to leave right then. I know I will need to get out and see these things to get better but I didn't think it would be nearly this hard.

I was wanting to go back to work sooner than planned but I don't know if I can. I need to get myself better before I can take care of others, especially infants and children. Also, pregnant ladies. I am dreading the day when I am asked by some of our frequent flyers how the baby is...........
I had Eric take the car seat out of the car because I know if we go through a drive thru someone will ask how old our child is.

I am so heart broken. And I feel guilty for that. I know our Avery is in heaven in the arms of God but I want her here. I want to kiss her, feed her, change her stinky diaper, rock her, make funny faces at her, burp her, and listen to her cry. If I didn't have my faith I am sure I would be rolling around some where in a muddy ditch. We have to cling to God during these rough times and cling to each other or we won't make it. God saw something in Eric and I to bare this pain, what it is I would like to know.

Our Faith

Eric and I have always believed in God and knew of His healing powers. At first we had just accepted Avery's diagnosis, felt honored that He would entrust us with this special baby but wondered why.

On Oct. 9th we had to take Brodie to the vet. He had an ear infection that we needed to get checked out. A good friend of mine from childhood, Amanda Compton Smith, was working and we told her about Avery. She then relayed what we told her to Dr. Dawn Hill, who takes care of both of our pups. She meet us at the check out and asked to talk to us. We went outside and she asked us what was going on so we explained to her Avery's diagnosis but we felt that we could go back for our follow up ultrasound and everything be fine. She asked to pray with us and of course we said yes! She laid her hands on my stomach and prayed for Avery's healing. It was amazing! When we got home I needed to shower, I looked in the mirror and guess what? Avery had grown! I knew our miracle was in the process! I just knew with all my heart the Lord was going to heal her physical body and I was going to give birth to child with arms and legs of normal length. Although we never saw any improvement in her ultrasounds my faith never wavered. God created us in His image and His image is not someone of "small" stature.

When Avery arrived with dwarfism we never saw any deformity. She was our precious baby girl, who was just perfect! Even though she was very sick we knew our God could do anything. If He chose to call her home she did a mighty big job for such a small girl. She brought thousands together in prayer, she saved my marriage, and brought ET and I closer to God. She touched the lives of so many and I hope that all the parents out here who have read or heard of Avery will cherish their children. I have received so many comments and emails about how our story has been shared and touched someones life in some way. She served her purpose. I know when she reached the gates of heaven the Lord welcomed her with open arms and said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." As much as I want her here, I know how selfish that is, but she is in heaven playing with all the other children God called home and what better care to be in than in the care of God.

As the days go on, they seem longer and harder. We have been so busy getting her funeral arrangements made and getting settled back at home, I know when it all settles it will be hard. Eric goes back to work in a week and I am still taking off till April, the days at home alone will be hard but it will be a good healing time, time spent in the Word, and in prayer. It will give me time to sort through my life and get my priorities in order. I am thankful for the wonderful friends and family we have. They have been amazing and I couldn't have made it through without them. Especially my fantastic husband. He has been my rock. It seems like when he is upset, I am okay and can cheer him up and vice versa. He knows just what to say to make things better, at least for the time being.

Thanks for reading.

Avery's Story

We found on June 14th we were expecting a baby! That morning I realized my period was almost a week late, had an upset stomach, and my boobs were really sore. I was in the shower and it hit me, holy cow, I am pregnant. Got to work and took about 4 tests before I realized that there were two lines present. I ran up to Eric's office and showed him two, his face lit up like a light bulb!

We went to confirm our pregnany and see our precious baby for the first time on July 7th. Her heart rate was 176 and was measuring a few days ahead!

On October 5th, we went for the big ultrasound! When we were pulling out of the driveway Eric was so excited about finding out the sex of the baby, I gently reminded him that it wasn't just to find out the sex, but to make sure there were no problems for with the baby. During the ultrasound I noticed that her legs looked short. I mentioned it to the tech and she agreed that they were short. The physican came in and was very concerned about her short femurs, thought either dwarfism or downs, so they set us up to see ETSU OB-GYN to see a specialtist on Oct. 7th.

We were a bundle of nerves on our way. The ultrasound tech was great! And the physician, Dr. Welt, was amazing! He diagnosed her with Achondroplasia, reassured us it was not the fatal form but said we would need to do frequent ultrasounds just to make sure she was growing approprately for a "small" person. So every three weeks we got to see our precious baby grow and make sure she was okay.

On Feb 9th 2011 at 1206 Avery made her grand entrace and it was a traumatic one! There were two residents and the attending trying to get her out. They were tugging so hard the entire table was moving and the resident said she was surprised I wasn't bruised from my chest down. They ended up having to make my incision longer and she finally decided to cooperate :) When the nurse said she was here we waited for that much anticipated cry.......nothing. She did have a heart beat but it shortly stopped. Laying on that OR table and hearing them say start CPR was the most frightening moment of my life. They did CPR for 5 minutes and we heard the most beautiful cry in the world! They went ahead and intubated her to give her lungs some support. They let us peak at her a brief second and they wisked her to the NICU.

Around 3 pm the physician came to talk to us. He told us that she was on full support and only sating in the 60's. Our hearts broke and shattered into a thousand pieces. He said they were going to give her some surfactant and go from there.

My super awesome nurse went to visit Avery and came back down and got me up at 4:30 and took us to see her. It was hard to see her all hooked up but she was sooooo beautiful! The surfactant worked and she was looking much better.

Later that night around 3am my night nurse went to check on her and the NICU nurse had cleaned her up and put the most precious blue ribbon in her hair! It made her look like a sweet sweet girl. For this I will be forever thankful.

When we went to visit her the next morning she had a few studies done, an echo, and a baby gram where they xrayed her entire body. Although the xray had not been read by the radiologist the physician felt every thing looked good but he needed to get another chest xray. We went back a few hours later and he had her xray results. He pulled up a chair for Eric and I knew it was bad if he was pulling up a chair. The radiologist found signs of Thanatorphic Dysplasia, a fatal disease. Her ribs were flat instead of curved to allow expansion of her lungs and her vertebra are flat. Our world was over. The nurse let us hold her for the first time. It was heaven on earth! When we returned to our room we brought our parents in and gave them the news. We were all heart broken.

On Friday night our some of our friends and family members gathered to see Avery for what we didn't realize was for the last time. Avery got a unit of blood this day as her hematocrit was low and we also decided to make her a DNR incase something happened.
I woke up Saturday morning around 5:30 and wept for hours. I just knew it was Avery's home coming day. We went to see her that morning and discussed with the nurse how things would progress if we decided to withdraw care and she said we would do it however we wanted. Seh told us to come back at 1 and we could hold her and that the doc would come talk to us in the mean time. Well, we waited and waited on him to stop by. My nurse came in and she told me all the details of how everything would go. They had arranged for an early discharge for me, they would move us to a private room, and bring our stuff to us. All of this was before the physician came to talk to us, I was fairly upset by this, I wanted to talk to the physcian first and us come a decision together. It was after 1 and he still hadn't come to talk to us so I decided to call the NICU and see where he was, he was on the phone and I asked the nurse to send him down asap. He was at our room in a few minutes and he said that even if Avery didn't have the TD she sustained irreversable damage from her traumatic birth and her prognosis was not good.

So, we bravely made our way up to the NICU. Held our baby girl while she was still on the vent so we could feel her move and breathe. Eric held her for a while andthen passed her on to me. While I was holding her it appeared as if she was trying to open her eyes, she dropped her sats, and got blue around the mouth. She was having a seizure. That was the last straw for us. I handed her back to the nurse and asked if we could move to the private room before they took her off the breathing tube, with alligator tears in her eyes she said she may not make it. So we turned our backs to them and held onto each other as tightly as we could. We heard her making some of the sweetest squeaky noises and turned around. She was madder than a hornet! She was crying and beat red in the face, she was precious! We got to hold her for a while and then they moved us to a private room. She went quickly and peacefully.

When we got to the private room we were able to hold her, love on her, kiss her, dance with her, snuggle her, and even look at her cute butt! Our time then is precious and we will hold it in our hearts forever.

Love your children, love our God, for He is the one that created them!