Monday, February 28, 2011

Jesus Bring the Rain

I've always loved the song Jesus Bring the Rain, little did I know the Rain He was planning to send my way. But if that's what it takes to praise Him, as the song says, so be it. It's fairly fitting to the natural weather we are experiencing the past few days too. It's raining as if it's April, not February.



The past few days have been very difficult for me. It seems as the days go by the harder coping gets. I miss her more and more every day as Eric does as well. But thank God we have each other to cling to and God. If it wasn't for God and Eric I would be wallering in a puddle some where. The pain goes beyond heart wrenching and physical. It's not something I can describe. If I could I wouldn't because I do won't anyone to experience this pain if they don't have to, or fathom how horrible it is. This is something we will never recover from, we will be able to handle it better in time, but never recover.



I was talking with one of my team members today and we were talking about we both believe God is coming to take His children home very soon. This world isn't getting any easier, it's getting harder, and if things progress it will get to where we can't afford staples or afford gas to get to work. God will not let His children suffer like that.



And now on to good stuff :) We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our niece Ocie! Amy is due on the 9th but I don't think she will make it that long. Mom and I are going to visit her tomorrow :) I have some things of Avery's that Avery wants her cousin Ocie to have. We are keeping Avery's furniture, big toy items, and her clothes. I did give some of her other cousins some baby care items, those items needed to be used. I did keep one of everything that I gave away though. It's a help to know Avery is helping others.



Again I leave ya'll with another picture of true love. Eric getting baby kisses from his sweet baby. She was a daddy's girl!!!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Today I took a Picture

This a post that the nurse, who took care of me in the OR while Avery was delivered and also the nurse who after her delivery recoved me after Avery's birth, posted about us. With her permission she has allowed me to post this:

"Today I took another beautiful picture....not one that I will misplace in a photo album or store on a memory card or accidentally delete on my phone...this picture will forever be in my heart and remember the day I take my last breath: a very special mom and dad looking into the face of their new baby with everlasting love..." February 9 at 11:36pm

It was with tears in my eyes as I read this beautiful post about our journey with Avery. I pray that anyone who hears Avery's story will be touched like this. That they will know we loved Avery more than words can describe and that we serve a loving God.

We were so lucky to have her and numerous other staff love and care for us. And when I say love, I know they did, you can't do what they do and not love those they care for.

Here is a picture of true love, me getting some sweet baby kisses :) This was two weeks ago today.........my heart aches for the day we will be reunited with her!

Friday, February 25, 2011

God and Avery watching over us

Today was the first day I was able to get out and not have a break down or become so anxious I needed to get home as soon as possible.

I had a few errands to run, get gas, and go by the bank before I met two great friends for lunch at Salsarita's. I was dreading going by the bank because they knew I was pregnant but figured my mother had told them of Avery's passing or that they had at least seen it in the paper. Well.....the lady that was at the drive thru didn't know, she asked how my baby girl was doing, I told her she was doing just great, that she was in Heaven now. As tears formed in her eyes she appologized with all her heart.

After lunch Andi and I went for a manicure and pedicure. The owner there is hilarious! He is Vietnamese and just like my dad on political views. When we got there he was going off about Obama and I had to translate for him a few times to the other customers as he told them to do stuff. It made me feel normal, not like the lady who's daughter died 2 weeks ago of a rare skeletal dysplasia. Although that is who I am, well, not exactly, I am a mother and a child of God. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who was perfect in every way. I felt no love like the love I felt when I laid eyes on her for the first time. I still feel that love when I think of her, see pictures of her, and feel her arms around me as she comforts me in my time of hurt. She was my best accomplishment.

Eric and I have been blessed by so many in our community. The funeral home provided her services at no charge, we asked that instead of flowers being sent to us that people used that money to make a donation to the childrens hospital,there were minimal flowers at the funeral so that makes me think there is a generous amount of money going to help those sweet babies and children. Eric and I both work at The Campus and they took up a donation for us to help with mine and Avery's medical bills. We are sooo blessed even in our time of trial. We know our Lord will always take care of us.

All of this isn't to say we don't hurt. We hurt, we cry, wonder why, and never want anyone to forget Avery. She was an angel on earth. She brought thousands together in prayer, brought people closer to God, and brought Eric and I indescribable joy :)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

healing

I woke up early yesterday to clean the house and let Eric sleep in since he's been doing all the work around here for the past few months. As I was cleaning the song Halleliugh by Heather Williams came on. I instantly hit my knees. I was missing Avery a ton and that song was just what I needed to hear. As tears were streaming down my face my sweet Brodie boy came up and gave me sugar, which scared me because my eyes were closed.

I was miserable the rest of the day. I finished cleaning and bless poor Eric's heart, he didn't wake until 11. I maybe said 4 words to him until 6ish, and that was just me saying "yeah" when he would ask me if I was okay. I bawled and bawled numerous times thoughout the day. We went to dinner with some friends so that got me in somewhat of a better mood. Then when we laid down for bed I lost it. The pain I feel for the loss of our daughter was unbareable. Thank goodness Eric was able to talk me through it. I am so blessed and thankful to have him.

Today was a much better day. Well, except for either the tummy bug I picked up or food poisioning from dinner last night. I had to go today for my two week check up (even though I was feeling cruddy) and per the physician my incision is healing well. She is such a nice lady! She sat and talked about how we are coping and talked about Avery and how everyone talked about how adorable she was! As much as I liked my previous OB-GYN I am gonna stick with her. Which with our next child we will be considered high risk and will see Dr. Welt until we are cleared to go back to low risk. And I can say that with confidince. I know now how to pray for a healthy child, not to ask for a healthy child but to speak it in my prayers. I know God wants to bless us with a healthy child, no one will ever replace Avery but I think having another one will help with the healing process.

Here's to a good tomorrow!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

week one

I can't believe it's been an entire week since God opened up His arms and called Avery home. It has been a week of ups and downs. A week of love and hurt. I loved Avery from the time I knew I was pregnant but I didn't know the love I would feel when I first laid eyes on her. We worried so much about Brodie and Molly before we left, how their world would change, how much we loved them....guess what, it was Friday before we even mentioned them. Yes, we love them but loving Avery was and is very different.

My heart is sooo full of love for that baby but it also hurts because she's not here. I long to hold her, we both do. The night seems to be worse. I find myself looking at the clock and replaying what was going on then. This time last week we were holding Avery while she was on the vent. Even thought I want her here, she is in a much better place, a place with no sickness, no pain, and no sorrow. I can't wait till God calls all His children home so we can be reunited with her.

Avery did a mighty big job while she was here. I have had so many people email me and tell me what an inspiration our story about Avery is and I have also had many people reach out to us who have lost a child too. I know we aren't the only ones to have suffered such a loss but at times it feels like we are in our own world of hurt. I am thankful I have such a loving supportive husband. That was one of Avery's greatest accomplishments, bringing us closer together. And through us growing closer we have grown closer to God. If we didn't have Him we would have never made it through our pregnancy, Avery's birth, and her death. I do have times where I am angry and wonder why, it's just human of me to. A friend from high school came to visit me yesterday and we talked about how (if Avery were to still be with us) we were blessed with children with special needs. We talked about how some people use drugs and drink their entire pregnancies and have normal, healthy babies and how we did everything "right". Then we also came to agreement that maybe those person's couldn't handle a special needs child, if they couldn't take care of themselves how could they care for a special needs child. When I sit back and think, I wonder what God saw in us to trust us with such a loss, that He knew we could handle it.

Please keep us in your prayers, it seems as time goes on it gets a bit harder to deal with. We have more time on our hands now that things are winding down.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

who would have thought

The weather outside is just divine today! We had some errands to run and I was excited because the weather had me feeling pretty good.

Last night was pretty bad. I kept playing over and over in my head last Wednesday's events and I've done he same today. I remembered it was 1:30 when they gave us the news of Avery's prognosis and potential diagnosis of Thanatorphic Dysplasia (TD).

So, we decide to go eat at Cracker Barrel. They have their spring clothes for children out.....those dresses were sooo sweet! I had to quickly make my way by those. Then at the Sprint Store a lady was there carrying her newborn in a car seat carrier........ I know it's awful of me to get upset by these things but they are things I want. It's the human part of me. We then went to Target to get some loose fitting clothes for me and for ET to get a few things. I went to find him and I knew he would be in the eletronic section, and to get there from where I was I had to go by the baby section......that was enough. My head started to spin, I became angry, and had to leave right then. I know I will need to get out and see these things to get better but I didn't think it would be nearly this hard.

I was wanting to go back to work sooner than planned but I don't know if I can. I need to get myself better before I can take care of others, especially infants and children. Also, pregnant ladies. I am dreading the day when I am asked by some of our frequent flyers how the baby is...........
I had Eric take the car seat out of the car because I know if we go through a drive thru someone will ask how old our child is.

I am so heart broken. And I feel guilty for that. I know our Avery is in heaven in the arms of God but I want her here. I want to kiss her, feed her, change her stinky diaper, rock her, make funny faces at her, burp her, and listen to her cry. If I didn't have my faith I am sure I would be rolling around some where in a muddy ditch. We have to cling to God during these rough times and cling to each other or we won't make it. God saw something in Eric and I to bare this pain, what it is I would like to know.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Our Faith

Eric and I have always believed in God and knew of His healing powers. At first we had just accepted Avery's diagnosis, felt honored that He would entrust us with this special baby but wondered why.

On Oct. 9th we had to take Brodie to the vet. He had an ear infection that we needed to get checked out. A good friend of mine from childhood, Amanda Compton Smith, was working and we told her about Avery. She then relayed what we told her to Dr. Dawn Hill, who takes care of both of our pups. She meet us at the check out and asked to talk to us. We went outside and she asked us what was going on so we explained to her Avery's diagnosis but we felt that we could go back for our follow up ultrasound and everything be fine. She asked to pray with us and of course we said yes! She laid her hands on my stomach and prayed for Avery's healing. It was amazing! When we got home I needed to shower, I looked in the mirror and guess what? Avery had grown! I knew our miracle was in the process! I just knew with all my heart the Lord was going to heal her physical body and I was going to give birth to child with arms and legs of normal length. Although we never saw any improvement in her ultrasounds my faith never wavered. God created us in His image and His image is not someone of "small" stature.

When Avery arrived with dwarfism we never saw any deformity. She was our precious baby girl, who was just perfect! Even though she was very sick we knew our God could do anything. If He chose to call her home she did a mighty big job for such a small girl. She brought thousands together in prayer, she saved my marriage, and brought ET and I closer to God. She touched the lives of so many and I hope that all the parents out here who have read or heard of Avery will cherish their children. I have received so many comments and emails about how our story has been shared and touched someones life in some way. She served her purpose. I know when she reached the gates of heaven the Lord welcomed her with open arms and said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." As much as I want her here, I know how selfish that is, but she is in heaven playing with all the other children God called home and what better care to be in than in the care of God.

As the days go on, they seem longer and harder. We have been so busy getting her funeral arrangements made and getting settled back at home, I know when it all settles it will be hard. Eric goes back to work in a week and I am still taking off till April, the days at home alone will be hard but it will be a good healing time, time spent in the Word, and in prayer. It will give me time to sort through my life and get my priorities in order. I am thankful for the wonderful friends and family we have. They have been amazing and I couldn't have made it through without them. Especially my fantastic husband. He has been my rock. It seems like when he is upset, I am okay and can cheer him up and vice versa. He knows just what to say to make things better, at least for the time being.

Thanks for reading.

Avery's Story

We found on June 14th we were expecting a baby! That morning I realized my period was almost a week late, had an upset stomach, and my boobs were really sore. I was in the shower and it hit me, holy cow, I am pregnant. Got to work and took about 4 tests before I realized that there were two lines present. I ran up to Eric's office and showed him two, his face lit up like a light bulb!

We went to confirm our pregnany and see our precious baby for the first time on July 7th. Her heart rate was 176 and was measuring a few days ahead!

On October 5th, we went for the big ultrasound! When we were pulling out of the driveway Eric was so excited about finding out the sex of the baby, I gently reminded him that it wasn't just to find out the sex, but to make sure there were no problems for with the baby. During the ultrasound I noticed that her legs looked short. I mentioned it to the tech and she agreed that they were short. The physican came in and was very concerned about her short femurs, thought either dwarfism or downs, so they set us up to see ETSU OB-GYN to see a specialtist on Oct. 7th.

We were a bundle of nerves on our way. The ultrasound tech was great! And the physician, Dr. Welt, was amazing! He diagnosed her with Achondroplasia, reassured us it was not the fatal form but said we would need to do frequent ultrasounds just to make sure she was growing approprately for a "small" person. So every three weeks we got to see our precious baby grow and make sure she was okay.

On Feb 9th 2011 at 1206 Avery made her grand entrace and it was a traumatic one! There were two residents and the attending trying to get her out. They were tugging so hard the entire table was moving and the resident said she was surprised I wasn't bruised from my chest down. They ended up having to make my incision longer and she finally decided to cooperate :) When the nurse said she was here we waited for that much anticipated cry.......nothing. She did have a heart beat but it shortly stopped. Laying on that OR table and hearing them say start CPR was the most frightening moment of my life. They did CPR for 5 minutes and we heard the most beautiful cry in the world! They went ahead and intubated her to give her lungs some support. They let us peak at her a brief second and they wisked her to the NICU.

Around 3 pm the physician came to talk to us. He told us that she was on full support and only sating in the 60's. Our hearts broke and shattered into a thousand pieces. He said they were going to give her some surfactant and go from there.

My super awesome nurse went to visit Avery and came back down and got me up at 4:30 and took us to see her. It was hard to see her all hooked up but she was sooooo beautiful! The surfactant worked and she was looking much better.

Later that night around 3am my night nurse went to check on her and the NICU nurse had cleaned her up and put the most precious blue ribbon in her hair! It made her look like a sweet sweet girl. For this I will be forever thankful.

When we went to visit her the next morning she had a few studies done, an echo, and a baby gram where they xrayed her entire body. Although the xray had not been read by the radiologist the physician felt every thing looked good but he needed to get another chest xray. We went back a few hours later and he had her xray results. He pulled up a chair for Eric and I knew it was bad if he was pulling up a chair. The radiologist found signs of Thanatorphic Dysplasia, a fatal disease. Her ribs were flat instead of curved to allow expansion of her lungs and her vertebra are flat. Our world was over. The nurse let us hold her for the first time. It was heaven on earth! When we returned to our room we brought our parents in and gave them the news. We were all heart broken.

On Friday night our some of our friends and family members gathered to see Avery for what we didn't realize was for the last time. Avery got a unit of blood this day as her hematocrit was low and we also decided to make her a DNR incase something happened.
I woke up Saturday morning around 5:30 and wept for hours. I just knew it was Avery's home coming day. We went to see her that morning and discussed with the nurse how things would progress if we decided to withdraw care and she said we would do it however we wanted. Seh told us to come back at 1 and we could hold her and that the doc would come talk to us in the mean time. Well, we waited and waited on him to stop by. My nurse came in and she told me all the details of how everything would go. They had arranged for an early discharge for me, they would move us to a private room, and bring our stuff to us. All of this was before the physician came to talk to us, I was fairly upset by this, I wanted to talk to the physcian first and us come a decision together. It was after 1 and he still hadn't come to talk to us so I decided to call the NICU and see where he was, he was on the phone and I asked the nurse to send him down asap. He was at our room in a few minutes and he said that even if Avery didn't have the TD she sustained irreversable damage from her traumatic birth and her prognosis was not good.

So, we bravely made our way up to the NICU. Held our baby girl while she was still on the vent so we could feel her move and breathe. Eric held her for a while andthen passed her on to me. While I was holding her it appeared as if she was trying to open her eyes, she dropped her sats, and got blue around the mouth. She was having a seizure. That was the last straw for us. I handed her back to the nurse and asked if we could move to the private room before they took her off the breathing tube, with alligator tears in her eyes she said she may not make it. So we turned our backs to them and held onto each other as tightly as we could. We heard her making some of the sweetest squeaky noises and turned around. She was madder than a hornet! She was crying and beat red in the face, she was precious! We got to hold her for a while and then they moved us to a private room. She went quickly and peacefully.

When we got to the private room we were able to hold her, love on her, kiss her, dance with her, snuggle her, and even look at her cute butt! Our time then is precious and we will hold it in our hearts forever.

Love your children, love our God, for He is the one that created them!