The weather outside is just divine today! We had some errands to run and I was excited because the weather had me feeling pretty good.
Last night was pretty bad. I kept playing over and over in my head last Wednesday's events and I've done he same today. I remembered it was 1:30 when they gave us the news of Avery's prognosis and potential diagnosis of Thanatorphic Dysplasia (TD).
So, we decide to go eat at Cracker Barrel. They have their spring clothes for children out.....those dresses were sooo sweet! I had to quickly make my way by those. Then at the Sprint Store a lady was there carrying her newborn in a car seat carrier........ I know it's awful of me to get upset by these things but they are things I want. It's the human part of me. We then went to Target to get some loose fitting clothes for me and for ET to get a few things. I went to find him and I knew he would be in the eletronic section, and to get there from where I was I had to go by the baby section......that was enough. My head started to spin, I became angry, and had to leave right then. I know I will need to get out and see these things to get better but I didn't think it would be nearly this hard.
I was wanting to go back to work sooner than planned but I don't know if I can. I need to get myself better before I can take care of others, especially infants and children. Also, pregnant ladies. I am dreading the day when I am asked by some of our frequent flyers how the baby is...........
I had Eric take the car seat out of the car because I know if we go through a drive thru someone will ask how old our child is.
I am so heart broken. And I feel guilty for that. I know our Avery is in heaven in the arms of God but I want her here. I want to kiss her, feed her, change her stinky diaper, rock her, make funny faces at her, burp her, and listen to her cry. If I didn't have my faith I am sure I would be rolling around some where in a muddy ditch. We have to cling to God during these rough times and cling to each other or we won't make it. God saw something in Eric and I to bare this pain, what it is I would like to know.
I'm so sorry sweet, sweet Becky! You hang in there and cling to your faith. I have no doubt that God saw something special in you and in Eric to go through such a horrific amount of pain. Know that little Avery and God are watching over you...and with faith nothing is impossible!!!
ReplyDeleteBecky,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches with you. For nurses, it is so hard to think of how we could care for others when our own sweet baby could not be saved. It is not fair and it is normal to feel so angry. God understands the anger....when my brother was killed several years ago, I experienced this as well. I also watched my Mother go through the anger. She did find some relief and good friends through a website www.griefnet.org. When you feel like it, go there and look around. You will meet Moms like you that have lost sweet angels like Avery Grace.
Remember that you have been through so much...months of worry, a traumatic birth, a major surgery and an unexpected loss. Not to mention the hormonal changes in your body.
Love to you and Eric,
Stephanie
Dont feel guilty. You have every right to feel those emotions and so much more. I am praying for your strength and healing.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine what you are going through, but I can understand grief quite well. You are such a strong faithful person, Becky. Honestly I think that's what gets us through. My world fell apart when I lost my dad last april and sometimes it still falls apart, but it does get better. I pray for your continued strength. Take time for yourself, it's very important. Sending love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI had already went over of all these things you mentioned here in my head and I knew it would be terribly hard. I have been praying for you physically too, you are recovering from major surgery, one step at a time, one day at a time... God is faithful and He sees all that you are going through, nothing escapes His attention, and He's the comforter, receive that comfort that only He can give. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to feel all those things Becky. I experienced those exact feelings 25 years ago when I lost my infant daughter. It is very difficult to understand and I know we should never question God's will, but we still wonder. God will comfort you & Eric and he will give you strength when you least expect it. Avery Grace is an angel and she too will protect you. Keep your faith and remember, if he brings you to it, he will bring you through it. My prayers are with you always. Love, Donna Broyles
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