easter

All Easter morning I wept and wept. I kept thinking that Avery should be here and that I should be busy getting her all dolled up for church. I saw a dress at Carter's that I knew she would be adorable in! I can still envision her in it with a bow in her hair :)

I wept all during service too. Because I missed her and because that I knew I would see her again, and that brought unspeakable joy to my heart.

Eric was having a bad day yesterday. He said all he could think about is what Avery would look like now. We talk alot about what we think she will look like in heaven but not here. I can't stand it when he has a bad day. There is something about grown men crying that rips me into pieces. When he and my dad cry it's all over. I cry all the time so it doesn't affect him the way him crying does me. I can remember being on the OR table and Avery not crying as she came out. I said "She's not crying ET"........he reassured me Avery would be fine, then we heard them say start CPR. Tears began streaming down his face. I can close my eyes and see it all over again, The nights of crying in pain over Avery. He had a bad night that Thursday and I had a bad night that Friday. I didn't cry hysterically, I just wept all night. I had a feeling that it was our last day with Avery. I did cry hysterically when the decision was made. It's almost been 3 months since her birth but it feels like yesterday.

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her move. I truly loved being pregnant. I didn't mind the aches and pains, the "normal" signs and symptoms of pregnancy. I treasure the stretch marks I have. They are a permanent mark on my body as a reminder of my sweet baby girl. The right side of my stomach pouches out farther then the left, it's where she kept her head. I miss her having hiccups and my entire belly jumping as she had them. I'd carry her for a lifetime, she was safe there. She's in a much better place now but I am just saying if that is how I could keep her here physically then I would do it.

I was sooo scared about being a mom. That was my biggest fear. How silly. Being a nurse I knew there could be potential problems but her passing never crossed my mind. Yes, she would be small, yes, her legs may be bowed and she would need surgery to fix them, yes, she could have hydrocephalus and have headaches as she grew older. These were things we could do something about. But her passing away....we couldn't do anything about that. Her purpose was served.

I have recently came into contact with a family who is involved with March of Dimes. They had a daughter born 4 months early and was released from the NICU the day of Avery's birth. The father is going to include Avery in his speech at the walk on Saturday. I ask you pray for this baby girl and her parents. Her name is Gracie. Thanks!

Thanks to those of you who read and offer your support to us. We couldn't do it without you!