crazy life

Avery's marker has been laid! It's sooo pretty! We got our bill in the mail on Saturday which included a picture of the marker! On Sunday after church Eric and I went in search of it. We couldn't find it. We left our map of the cemetery at home but thought if we looked for fresh dirt we could find it. We drove around that place 10 times and gave up. Our parents came over later in the evening and we went in search of it. We found it right off the bat :) Well, Eric did :) My dad brought a ceramic duck with blue flowers in it. I am glad he thought of it because we didn't. Even though we had her cremated it was important to our families to have a "memorial site". I guess it's just a cultural thing for them.

Eric and I are going on an anniversary/vacation trip on Friday. We are leaving for Destin, FL at noon! I am soooo excited! We haven't taken a solo trip in a very long time. Saturday is our 6 year wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have been married that long! I am glad to get away and celebrate. Last year we weren't on the best terms and didn't do anything so I am thankful we are doing well and are able to go away and enjoy each others company. I am sad to leave Brodie and Molly behind and I would take them with me if I could but a 10 hour drive would be misery for them.

There are lots of things going on for me now. I am having complications from my IUD and will be having it removed in June. I won't go on any other form of birth control. I know the Lord will bless us with another child when the time is right. I am also job hunting :( The hospital system I work for also has a medical office system under them that has Urgent Care Centers within it so they will be handing us over to them. They don't hire RN's to do the patient care and there is already someone who does my job. I am broken hearted over this. The people I work with are family. We have formed our own family there. We have all been there since it opened except two people.....3.5 years later. They will help us find other jobs within our hospital system but I am spoiled to my M-F, no weekends schedule. But God will lead me where I am to go. I am super nervous because I've never not received a job offer after an interview....I am scared of rejection.

I miss her. We talk often about how much we miss her even though she was only here for 3 days, actually 39 weeks and 3 days. I count from the time she was conceived. We still have our good days and bad days. The good are starting to out weigh the bad. But there isn't a moment that passes that I don't miss her. I was at the mall with a friend last week and we went into Crazy 8, a new children's clothing store that Gymboree opened, and they had the sweetest bathing suits! There was a two piece neon green one that I could just picture Avery in! All head and belly :) I can see her on the beach with us in that suit, white rimmed sunglasses, and a hat to protect her sweet baby skin. I told Eric about it and he said she would have to have a 3 month extra large because she was so big around :) The other night I held up her "coming home outfit" and we laughed at how it would have never fit her, it was way too small! I went through some of her clothes Monday night and just pictured her in them. Her dark hair would have been so pretty with all the purple and pink clothes she had. You can tell I am a hippie at heart with the clothes I picked out for her!

I still haven't put her baby items up. I just can't do it. Her swing is still in her play area, her pack and play is still up in our bedroom, and her room is exactly the same as when we left the morning I had her. Time goes on and it feels as if I am standing still. I want her here. I want to play with her hair and take in her scent. I've learned through this that grief is very individual and no book on grief will make you feel better. They are good at explaining the emotions with each stage and explaining that it is different for every one.

Maybe one day I will write a book about our journey through hearing bad news about our baby girl, believing without ceasing for a total physical healing, experiencing the death of our baby girl, and life afterwards. I will have to have a ghost writer of course.........I should have paid attention in english class!