Avery would have been 4 months old tomorrow. I have a swing that should have my sweet Avery girl in it right now with Brodie and Molly laying at her feet. I have a dresser full of the cutest baby girl clothes that Avery should be wearing or grew out of by now. I have a cabinet full of pacifiers and bottles. I have a room painted light purple with all the makings of little girl fun. And what do I have now? Empty arms.
The past few days have been rough. I find myself wondering what she would look like, what kind of sounds would she be making, what would get her attention, and who's attitude she would have. I burst into tears when I got in the car after work today. My heart couldn't take it and I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. It's hard for me to concentrate at work when my mind is on her. I think one reason why I am thinking of her so much is that I had my IUD removed due to complications and we wanted to start trying right away to have another child but I don't want another one....I want HER. I shouldn't say I don't want another one, because I do but I want her more than anything right now. However.....we are going to use oral contraceptives till September and the let the Lord take over.
Today we were running late for work and we talked about how much later we would be running if we had Avery to get ready and take to my moms. We laughed at the thoughts of her having one of those poops where it runs up their backs and it never seems to stop. How I long for sleepless nights of changing a dirty diaper and feedings. I hate hearing people fuss about not getting sleep because they were up with their child....seriously? I would give anything for that. Since I was little there was nothing I wanted to be more than a mother. Well, there was a stint when I wanted to be a witch....but anyway :) It's been a longing in my heart for a long time. During mine and Eric's hard times I didn't want children. I thought that bringing a child into our world would not be fair to them. After many years of trying to conceive we gave up. I thought a child would make things worse, but getting pregnant with Avery was the best thing for us. We finally had someone to concentrate on other than ourselves.
Still no luck with finding a job. I have interviewed for one I really want but haven't heard a yes or no on it..........I am really hoping that job works out. I will still be at the same hospital and that is one of my main goals. I don't want to lose any of my years of service, pto, and I don't want to have to learn a new set of people. I hate change and if I can minimize the change I will try my best to. I am just so confused about all of it. I really didn't need this to happen but it is what it is.......I just don't know if I can handle much more.
Eric got me an iPad for my birthday! It's pretty cool.
Sorry this post is random....I just can't quite gather my thoughts tonight.
You can handle and will because he doesn't put more on us than we can deal with. When its the toughest just fall to your knees, pray your hardest and cry your heart out you're allowed. I admire you so much, you are such a strong woman and my heart is with you. We don't know each other that well but if you ever need anything I'm here.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the frustration you feel of hearing other people vent about their sleepless nights. I would trade all of my hours of sleep to have Leah in my arms again. You guys are always on my mind and we always are praying for you!
ReplyDelete