week one

I can't believe it's been an entire week since God opened up His arms and called Avery home. It has been a week of ups and downs. A week of love and hurt. I loved Avery from the time I knew I was pregnant but I didn't know the love I would feel when I first laid eyes on her. We worried so much about Brodie and Molly before we left, how their world would change, how much we loved them....guess what, it was Friday before we even mentioned them. Yes, we love them but loving Avery was and is very different.

My heart is sooo full of love for that baby but it also hurts because she's not here. I long to hold her, we both do. The night seems to be worse. I find myself looking at the clock and replaying what was going on then. This time last week we were holding Avery while she was on the vent. Even thought I want her here, she is in a much better place, a place with no sickness, no pain, and no sorrow. I can't wait till God calls all His children home so we can be reunited with her.

Avery did a mighty big job while she was here. I have had so many people email me and tell me what an inspiration our story about Avery is and I have also had many people reach out to us who have lost a child too. I know we aren't the only ones to have suffered such a loss but at times it feels like we are in our own world of hurt. I am thankful I have such a loving supportive husband. That was one of Avery's greatest accomplishments, bringing us closer together. And through us growing closer we have grown closer to God. If we didn't have Him we would have never made it through our pregnancy, Avery's birth, and her death. I do have times where I am angry and wonder why, it's just human of me to. A friend from high school came to visit me yesterday and we talked about how (if Avery were to still be with us) we were blessed with children with special needs. We talked about how some people use drugs and drink their entire pregnancies and have normal, healthy babies and how we did everything "right". Then we also came to agreement that maybe those person's couldn't handle a special needs child, if they couldn't take care of themselves how could they care for a special needs child. When I sit back and think, I wonder what God saw in us to trust us with such a loss, that He knew we could handle it.

Please keep us in your prayers, it seems as time goes on it gets a bit harder to deal with. We have more time on our hands now that things are winding down.