living again

I woke up this morning and set a goal for myself....to start living again. I can't hide in my corner anymore. I can not remain stagnate.

Sunday in church Pastor Beck preached on Matthew 24. This is where God gives us signs of the end times. He wasn't preaching on this because of the whole May 21st thing, we have been reading through the book of Matthew for quite some time now and that is just where we happened to be. I do not know when the Lord will come but I can tell you that I want to be ready with each breath I take. At the end of service there are always deacons standing at each exit, one took ET's hand, and said, you will get to see that little one again soon. It's amazing how God works. I cried all through service because the worship team sang Glorious Day....my fav song of all time and cried tears of joy knowing I will see her again and then that man said that to ET.

On Saturday I went to Plum Alley Day with Andi and her daughter Aubrie who will be turning 4 next month. I was sitting there watching all the mothers with their babies and was starting to get anxious when out of the but Aubrie looks me dead in the face and says, "where's your baby?". It's been almost 4 months since Avery passed and it's the first time she has said anything about her. I said, "she's in heaven with Jesus". God knew I needed a distraction and to talk about her. Yesterday Eric said he was missing her a few times during the day and then he watched his nephew Chase while his parents went to a funeral. They were playing leggo's and he asked ET out of the blue if he cried when Avery passed away, he of course said yes, and Chase said his brother Dylan did too. Eric said Chase sat there for a few minutes and said, "well, don't worry, you will see her again". He is 6. How sweet!!! It is these times that make up for the bad ones. For instance...I have had one guy in the IT department at work ask me TWICE how my baby is doing......really...you honestly don't remember the first time you asked and I cried like a loon and told you she passed away......people kill me sometimes.

I get my IUD removed in 7 days and I can not wait! My body just doesn't like it and I can't wait to make another baby! I hope the Lord blesses us with another one soon. And I hope it's another beautiful girl. I want a house full of mean rotten girls :) Of course they will all have their daddy wrapped around their finger! Avery had him wrapped around her finger the first time he heard her heart beat! When we talk about names nothing ever seems right....I just love the name Avery and nothing seems to equal it. But we are jumping the gun on the names thing....we tired for 2 years before Avery was conceived but the Lords timing with her was perfect. He sent her to save my life but most importantly my marriage.

God is soo good and wonderful. When I sit back and think of how He made the earth, created man, healed the sick, raised the dead, and that He created me, it truly amazes me and I wonder how people can not believe in Him. I've been asked many times if I am angry at God over Avery's passing. How could I be? He blessed us with that tub of love for 39 weeks in my womb, and 3 days on this earth. He created her for a purpose. She had more of an impact on this earth in 3 days than either Eric or I have in almost 29 years. Yes, I am hurt she isn't here but I will see her again and when I do lay eyes on her again, it will be for eternity. I will never have to say bye to her again. What a Glorious Day that will be!