post vacation

The beach was fantastic! Going right before peak season is the best time to go. A physician that works in my clinic owns a condo in Santa Rosa Beach, Fl, which is 12 miles east of Destin, and after Avery passed I knew we needed a get away and I asked if we could use it, to which he said "it's yours" before I could get the question out.

While reading a book about grieving I found a statistic that floored me but now that we are further into the grieving process than when I read it the statistic makes sense. 60% of couples who endure an infant loss will be divorced within 2 years. The second I read that I told Eric and we promised each other that we would not be a couple who becomes part of that statistic. And getting away was an idea we had to help us grow closer.

The trip is 11 hours one way. We had a great time along the way. We stopped and ate at one of our fav southwestern grills. Had crazy conversations to keep each other awake. I had some GI issues after eating at said fav southestern grill during a dead spot in Alabama.....that was an adventure! We finally arrived a little after midnight, took our stuff in, and then headed to the beach. I love the smell of the ocean at night. We were wired by the time we got there so we watched a few episodes of criminal minds......which is never a good idea that late at night in an unfamiliar place :) We were in a different time zone so I woke up really early the next day. I went there last year with some friends so I knew my way around and went to Wal-Mart for some food before 8am! When I got back I woke ET up and we headed for the beach. It was our 6 year wedding anniversary and the day that some "Christians" believed would be the day the Lord was coming for His children. We basked in the sun and thanked the Lord for his beautiful creation. There is something about being at the beach.........it feel more closer to Him, physically and emotionally. To know He made such a wonder just by speaking it puts me in awe. We talked alot about the Rapture. We are good at keeping each other accountable, making sure our hearts are ready for the Lord to come at any second so that we can join Avery in Heaven when our physical time clock runs out. We talked about how cute Avery would be, a big ball of love in a tiny baby bikini, and how spoiled she would be :) It was a bit hard seeing other infants and seeing my fav childrens clothing stores when we went shopping. We saw a build-a-bear workshop and wondered what Avery would pick out for herself. We did think to have something made for her to put by her urn but decided not to for some reason.

When we would see families out with their small children I would feel a tug at my heart. Thinking that should be us. Longing for what they had....which I know is wrong. The Lord will bless us with another child when the time is ready, which I pray is sooner than later.

The good days are starting to out weigh the bad. But that doesn't mean I miss her any less. I miss her more with each beat of my heart. I can smile at her pictures now. I used to just break down and cry when I would look at them but they bring me joy now. When I look at the one of me kissing her I can feel it as if it was that day again. It makes me want to go back to that day and smother her with more kisses and hugs.


Today we were watching something and a baby on the show was crying. Eric said he wasn't looking forward to all the crying of a baby but he can't wait for it now :) I always knew he would be a good daddy but not this good :)