sleepless nights

Insomnia has become my best friend.

I had been sleeping really well since we came home. It wasn't until last night when I realized I started not sleeping well. It was when my sister had her baby girl. I am extremely happy for her and harbor no resentment or ill feelings towards her or her child but it just makes me wonder why couldn't I have what she has. It's funny how our lives are so much more different than we always said they would be when we were little. I just knew I would have a house full of children by the time I was 26, here I am, almost 29, and have none here physically. She said she probably wouldn't have kids, here she is almost 27, and has 2. God plans are very much different than our own. Thank goodness His supersedes! Although I know Avery's purpose was served, I will wonder why, why us, and why her.

I have never slept well, so I don't know why it's a surprise to me that I am not sleeping well now. I guess we were just so exhausted from the hospital stay, planning Avery's memorial, and having visitors my body was wore out. It's wore out now. The lack of sleep is starting to wear on me. I have dark circles under my eyes (thank God for Mary Kay) and don't want to do anything. All I want to do is lay around the house. But I also know these are all signs of depression. Which is to be expected from what all I've been through. Before we left the hospital they asked me if I wanted anything and I said "yes!". Even gave them the name of the med I wanted with the dosage :) Thank goodness they agreed, they probably would have given me anything I asked for.

So, I have found a dwelling place, and I need to get out of it! Please pray that I can move on and not look back, that the days will get easier, and that sweet slumber will find me again.