struggling

I am sorry it's been such a long time since I have updated this. I started my new job back in July and have been busy with that. And honestly, I have sat down to write but I lose the words. It's as if they are all piled in my head then vanish when my fingers hit the keys.

I have been a whirl wind of emotions lately. Like today, Eric has friends over and we were watching TV and I get anxious all of a sudden. Then the urge to cry consumes me. I retreated to our room, where I am now, and curl up in a ball with one of her blankets and cry. I know one of the triggers is that we have been discussing the possibility of trying again. Sat night I went to Avery's room, grabbed some of her clothes out of the draws, clung to them with all my might, and said "I don't want another baby, I want you....."over and over. I honestly don't know how people pick up and move on. I have tired. I have tried hard. I dream about her nightly now. I don't see her, it's present day and she isn't here. I have to deal with that enough while I am awake, why do I have to be tormented in my sleep too when I do actually sleep?

I have gone through all the stages of grief and back again, guess I need to get my act together and finally pass!

I know God had a purpose in all this. But it's hard to understand if I even have any of it right in my head. I just have to give it up and stop trying to control everything like I usually do.

I just take comfort in knowing I will see her again. And when I do I will never have to say bye to her again.