The pain I have felt today should bring blood. I didn't know heartache could bring such physical pain. My heart aches, it literally aches. It aches for Avery. To hold her close.
I never would have believed you if you told me 4 weeks ago that Avery wasn't going to make it, that her dysplasia was incompatible with life, and that we would have to make the hardest decision of our lives. Sometimes I still don't believe it. That our angel is just that, an angel watching over us now, instead of us watching over her as we imagined we would be doing right now. I want to hear her cry, hear her coo, and I can just imagine her voice. I love little girl voices! They are so sweet and innocent.
I have to go back to work in what seems like no time. I am very much dreading it. I love my team members and they are the best friends/family anyone could ask for, it's taking care of infants and children I am dreading. I am dreading seeing well infants who just have an acute illness. I am dreading seeing the child you always wonder about when they walk out the door., The one where you wonder if they are cared for at home, are they fed well, do their parents even realize what a gift they have? How can I care for others when I am not well myself? I am mad. I am angry. I am a mother who's daughter was born with a fatal skeletal dysplasia. Why me? Why our family? Because God chose us. He in His infinate widsom knew we needed her. He knew we could survive this. How will we survive? I have no clue, yes, I do, our Father will carry us through. At times I feel so alone in this but I know Eric is here with me. I know God will never fail me. These are the two most important men in my life, aside from my father. These are the two men I need to cling to in my times of dispare.
Not a day doesn't go bye that I don't stop to think of you guys! You answer your own question: Why me? Why to the two most sweetest people did this happen? Remember what you told me.... Avery touched the lives of so many people-she changed sooo many lives forever! God knew she AND you would suffer if she lived longer than she did. AVERY will make you a better person...a better nurse AND a better mother! We all know this will be hard, knowing how wonderful you truly are now, but Becky and Eric, you are the blessed ones to know how each day and every life event will NOT be taken for granted...you guys will make a difference in the lives you touch every day, you will know the pain that someone can go through...you will someday soon get through this and help others to as well! When you hear a laugh of a child think of Avery...she never wants you to forget her..she wants her mommy and daddy to know that you gave her life-even for a moment-you chose life and you let her take a breath and to know the awesome love of a wonderful mommy and daddy...we all love you guys and pray daily...Vicki B.
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