It's been a very long time since I have updated and since today is Avery's one year anniversary of growing her angel wings I thought it would be a good time to.
Eric and I spent the week in Destin, Fl. We both wanted to get away for the week. The first time I went to Destin I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Avery....that place means a lot to me. Avery swam in that ocean :) There is something about being on the beach that makes me feel closer to God. I think it's when I sit back and think....My God made this. He spoke the water, the sand, and all the creatures of the sea into creation.
It was an emotional few days but we tired our best to have a good time and celebrate her life.
On the morning of the 9th I woke with great sadness in my heart. However, my amazing friends lifted that sadness from me when they started posting pics of balloons they sent Avery for her birthday! I am sooo blessed and lucky to have such sweet and caring people in my life. I often feel that people have forgotten what happened so them doing that meant the world to me.
At 1206 which is the time she was born we looked at each other and said, "She's here!" That's what our fantastic nurse said when they finally removed Avery from my womb. All I could see were her eyes but I could tell she was smiling ear to ear. Oh, how I would give anything to relive those three days. I know they were agonizing times and Avery was fighting her hardest to give us as much time with her as she could but I would give anything to lay eyes on her again. To touch her hands, her feet, her sweet head....to feel her in my arms again.
I've been very angry over her passing. I have peace in my heart that she is in heaven and that I will see her again but I am just plain mad. I ask over and over why I am not worthy of having a healthy child when I see women who are all doped up having child after child and don't treasure them they way I would/do Avery. I need to let go of the anger and move on but I just can't. I just feel it's sooo unfair.....we can give a child all the love it could ever need/want and provide any material thing they could need. But I know I have to give this feeling up so my heart is clean.
We purchased some sky lanterns to write Avery a letter on and send up in the sky to her but they didn't make it on time so we bought some balloons today. My parents wrote her a letter and tied them to their balloons. With it being so windy and cold the sky lanterns wouldn't have worked tonight....funny how things work out. We plan to do them this weekend so I will post pics. Next year we would like to have all our family and friends come over and write a letter to Avery on a sky lanterns and set them off :) I think it would be beautiful!
The sky lanterns thing came from the movie Tangled and the fact I am half Asian. Eric wanted to take Avery to see Tangled so bad while I was pregnant. I thought we would look silly going so I said no. We watched it shortly after Avery's passing and we cried like babies. Every year on her birthday her parents would launch a ton of sky lanterns in hopes she would see them and return to them. She returns after 18 years and they said she was their princess worth waiting for which is exactly how we feel about our Sweet Avery. Each day that passes is just one more day closer I am to seeing her again. I didn't think we would have had to wait a year to be honest though.
I can't wait to see my Avery again. I see her being 3 years of age, short, chubby, with blunt bangs and a pony tail that stick straight up! I can not put into words how I can't wait for that day. To enter into heaven where there is no pain, no suffering, no sickness, and no evil but where God's grace abounds and we are all reunited with our loved ones! I can just imagine the look on Avery's face when Jonah told her he lived in the belly of a whale! We talk about how we know she will be beside God when He welcomes us home. She will fist bump Eric, wrap her arms around my neck, then grab her daddy's hand and say, follow me, I'm gonna show you our mansion!
