21 days

It's been 21 days since we said goodbye to Avery's earthly body.

It's been 21 days since we bravely held on tight to one another and made our last walk to the NICU at JCMC to see Avery.

It's been 21 days since we told each other we had to be strong for her, that she didn't need to feel our pain or suffering while we held her for the last time.

It's been 21 days since God opened His arms and called Avery home.

It's been a very painful past 21 days.

I can remember most details of that day. I remember walking in silence as we walked hand in hand to the NICU. As we passed people in the hallways and elevator I wondered what they thought as they saw us walk by...could they possibly know what we were about to do or what we had been through...of course not, but I still wondered if it was written all over our faces. I've never held on to Eric as tight as I did when they removed the ET tube from her, we turned our backs to them and held on to each other for what seemed like eternity. Sydney, Avery's nurse, told us to turn around and that Avery was mad. And boy was she! She was beet red and had her extremities rigid. She looked like a sumo wrestler with her diaper on! We dressed her in a gown that was white and had pink roses on it. She was struggling to breathe and it was breaking my heart. I told her over and over that I loved her and it was okay to go on. I didn't want her to suffer so that faster she went to be with the Lord the better off she was. Once her breathing slowed I held her for a while in the NICU and then we went to a private room while they got Avery wrapped up. We melted when we got in there to wait on Avery. The pain is still so fresh in my heart. They brought her to us all wrapped up and in one of those plastic roll carts, the way they usually bring them to the room the first time. I mentioned to Eric how ironic it was, that they were bringing her to us like that but it was for the last time. We unbundled her and Eric held her for a while. We were crying and I was telling him how I was looking forward to watching him dance with her while she stood on his feet. He looked at me and said, I am gonna dance with my daughter, stood up, cuddled her close, and danced around the room with her. We sang to her, talked to her, kissed her, smelled her, and played with her hair. I danced with her too. I held her closely to my chest with her face against mine. It was precious. I bawled like a baby as I danced with her. We spent a few hours with her and Eric decided we needed to leave after they pronounced her or we would never leave her. He went to the restroom and I laid down on the couch and cuddled with Avery. We placed her back in the rolling cart and wrapped her up like a burrito. Said our goodbyes for the time being and walked out the door. That was the hardest goodbye and the longest walk to the car. On the way home we chatted and talked about how thankful we were for our time with her. It was the quickest ride home from JC we had ever had. I can't remember the last time Eric and I just talked to one another for an hour and a half straight.

Avery's purpose was served. She brought together thousands in prayer and her biggest accomplishment was bringing Eric and I closer to the Lord. Had we never received news that she was going to be a "small person" we would have never started reading our Bibles together, praying with each other daily, and reading verses over her nightly. We learned to trust in Him and to have a child like faith. She was preparing us for the biggest trial and heart ache of our lives. I am glad we didn't know that she had TD. Had we known we would have never enjoyed our pregnancy or hoped for her to live a happy life. We could have had an amnio performed but our perinatoloigst didn't think it was necessary, which we are very thankful for. I could not imagine knowing I was going to give birth to a child who was either going to be stillborn or die within minutes or hours. God hand His hand in all this to protect us.

Parents, as you read this please know how lucky you are, please love your spouse, and children with all your heart because you never know when the Lord will call us home.