Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Keeping focus

It's been a very rough week. I am getting more anxious as my return to work date draws near. I have to go back, I don't want to, but life MUST go on. I can't sit here at the house all day long or make trips to Target just to get out of the house and leaving with more stuff than I need. It will be good to get back into a routine. I got my Merina yesterday. We decided on that route of birth control because with oral contraceptives it can take a year for your cycle to become normal and as soon as the iud is out, your cycle is back to normal right away. We plan to have it out March of 2010 and start trying for baby #2 then. We hope to have another girl so we can use alot of Avery's clothes and such. She was such a blessed baby! We have more clothes than she would have needed. I have given some items away but most of the stuff I am very attached to and can't part with. My mom and I went to a Tanger Outlet Center after we found out Avery was a girl and she went crazy buying stuff. I would pick up stuff here and there and boy did it amount up! She was very blessed at her baby shower too! Many of her big items, crib, pack and play, and swing are gender neutral. Her baby bag however is not, it has a coral trim....don't think a boy would like that! I had mixed feeling about using her stuff on another child but I honestly don't think she would care :) So, when I got home yesterday I did some more research on the Merina and scared myself! I wanted it out right then and there. Most of the comments on it were positive, only a handful were bad, but bad enough for me to question if I did the right thing. I sure hope I did because my insurance only covered less than half of it and I had to fork out the rest! I've been having a hard time dealing with Avery's death the past few weeks. At times I get angry, others I am glad she's not on this horrible earth, but most of the time I am just sooo sad. Looking at her picutres brings me to tears. I wonder what she would look like now, how much would she weigh, and what her cry would sound like. I can't sleep. All I can do at night is think of her, how she should be beside us, waking us up at all hours of the night for a feeding and a diaper change. Many people complain about such things but I know that with our next I will cherish it. The other night we were wondering what her coo would sound like, so in ET and Becky fashion, we laid in bed and made cooing sounds! It was hilarious! Its those moments that get us through, knowing her purpose was served, and that we WILL see her again one day! It's amazing how people remember us. I ran into the ultrasound tech at the doc yesterday who did all but one of our ultrasounds, she ran up to me, and hugged me. She said that one day she was talking to Dr. Welt and mentioned that I said I would bring Avery by to meet her and I hadn't yet, and he told her about Avery. She cried, told me how sorry she was, and said she had been praying for us. They do multiple ultrasounds all day long so it tickles me when people remember us. I am going to NC this weekend to visit one of my best friends and Eric is going to Atlanta with his buddies. They are going to Wrestlemania! HAHA! They invited me but I kindly declined the offer! Hopefully some time out of town will do us both some good. We are going to Destin in May!! Driving over to Orlanda for a few nights and then we plan to go to Clearwater to meet another couple who unfortunaltey experienced the same thing we did with Avery just a few weeks after us. They are soo sweet and I can't wait to meet them!

Monday, March 21, 2011

sleepless nights

Insomnia has become my best friend.

I had been sleeping really well since we came home. It wasn't until last night when I realized I started not sleeping well. It was when my sister had her baby girl. I am extremely happy for her and harbor no resentment or ill feelings towards her or her child but it just makes me wonder why couldn't I have what she has. It's funny how our lives are so much more different than we always said they would be when we were little. I just knew I would have a house full of children by the time I was 26, here I am, almost 29, and have none here physically. She said she probably wouldn't have kids, here she is almost 27, and has 2. God plans are very much different than our own. Thank goodness His supersedes! Although I know Avery's purpose was served, I will wonder why, why us, and why her.

I have never slept well, so I don't know why it's a surprise to me that I am not sleeping well now. I guess we were just so exhausted from the hospital stay, planning Avery's memorial, and having visitors my body was wore out. It's wore out now. The lack of sleep is starting to wear on me. I have dark circles under my eyes (thank God for Mary Kay) and don't want to do anything. All I want to do is lay around the house. But I also know these are all signs of depression. Which is to be expected from what all I've been through. Before we left the hospital they asked me if I wanted anything and I said "yes!". Even gave them the name of the med I wanted with the dosage :) Thank goodness they agreed, they probably would have given me anything I asked for.

So, I have found a dwelling place, and I need to get out of it! Please pray that I can move on and not look back, that the days will get easier, and that sweet slumber will find me again.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Avery's Urn

The director of the funeral home called today and said Avery's urn was ready and that he would be honored to drop it by our house on his way home! It's much prettier than we thought it would be! Now we have some of Avery's earthly body with us :)

I also got her Social Security Card in the mail today. I received our new insurance cards with Avery's name on them last week too. Both were heart breaking events but little memento's we can keep. I need to start a scrapbook. However, I am not good with that kinda artsy stuff.

We finally got around to hanging some of Avery's framed pictures today. I am hosting a 31 party tomorrow (the consultant is donating her commission to the March for Babies!) and we thought it would be a good idea to get them up and show our beautiful baby off! I have been a busy bee today, cleaning for the party, getting some goodies ready, grocery shopping, taking our niece Bre to pitching practice, and then working on Avery's page for her daddy's scrapbook. He's at basic training right now, and left a 2 weeks before Avery's birth. So her mom thought it would be a good idea to include a few pages of her. It was fun and an honor to do!

The past few days have been okay emotionally. However I did have a mini breakdown today. I needed to take some stuff up to Avery's room. I always dread the walk up the stairs and find myself asking God for strength with each step. Her crib gets me every time. I always end up just staring at it, thinking about how she should be napping there. Usually within seconds I end up wilted over her crib sobbing, touching her bedding ever so softly, and saying her name over and over. I see our glider and imagine rocking her in it. If she would not have had that fatal skeletal dysplasia I could have her in my arms. My heart aches for her in a way I can't explain. Others I've talked to who have lost a child say it does ease with time. I don't know how. This pain is so alive in me, I don't think it will ever fade. And I don't know if I want it to. I feel that if the pain isn't the same then maybe I'm starting to forget her. I'm already starting to forget small things about the three days she was here and if you know me well, you know that isn't like me. Even under these circumstances, it's not like me to forget anything, even down to the smallest thread of detail. I'm starting to mix up the nurses who took care of me on specific days and the NICU nurses who took care of Avery. I know that the memory problems are a part of the grieving stage I am in, I just hope they come back to me.

Those were the most precious three days God has even given me and I don't eer want to forget a single moment of those days.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Angel Day

Eric and I have declared that the 12th be "Angel Day". It's much nicer than "death anniversary" or anything of that nature. It helps make this date much more bearable.

We went to visit Amy and her family this weekend. Eric meet Ocie and got to hold her a few times. It was hard for either of us when we held her, given the day (it's been exactly one month since Avery grew her angel wings). I remember how I felt the first time Eric held Avery. It was Feb 10th around 2pm. We had just received the news that Avery had TD and wasn't going to survive. We stood by her bedside after he told us and Eric in a low voice asked if I thought they would let us hold Avery, I said probably not since she was still unstable. It wasn't one minute later that Sydney (Avery's awesome nurse) asked if we wanted to hold her. I held her first and then handed her over to Eric (with help from the nurses :)). It was the best feeling in the world to see him hold his daughter, even though we had just heard the unthinkable, holding her was the best medicine we could have asked for at that moment. They took pictures of us holding her and printed them off for us. They are treasured pictures. That day is mostly a blur to me, the clearest part is when we got to hold her. If I am repeating myself with any of the details, I am sorry. It really helps me to talk about her and the events that occurred during her short life.

On the way home tonight the song 'Cinderella' by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio and I lost it. Eric always talked about dancing with Avery. In the song the daughter always goes to her dad, practices dancing as a child, for prom, and for her wedding with her daddy. I never had this relationship with my dad and I just knew Avery would with Eric. As the flood of tears stream down my face and the agonizing pain takes over my heart I got angry. It's been one month since Avery's "Angel Day" and I finally got mad. Mad enough to ask why us and declare from the deepest part of my broken heart, that it's not fair. How do people who do not take care of their unborn babies by subjecting them to alcohol and drugs have healthy babies and not us? Why do two loving people who professed and believed in a miracle of a total healing of their child, have their daughter taken away from them? And how silly does it sound ask for a healing of a body that would just be "small"? I'd give anything to have Avery here as a "small person". I'd give anything to just have her here! Yes, I know, she's in a much better place but geez! I am only human and I want my daughter!!!! I want to hold her in my arms and gaze at her beautiful face. I want to feel her breathe and move in my arms.

And praise God that I will be able to gaze at her beautiful face again, one sweet day.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ocie Lynn and One Month

Our sweet beautiful niece Ocie Lynn was born yesterday at 3:26pm, weighing in at 8.3lbs and she is 19 inches long :) She has a head full of jet black hair and she has very asian facial features! Mom and dad both said the second they looked at her that she looked just like me as a baby! Lets pray she grows out of it :) Mom and baby are doing well. I am so thankful and glad I was there to witness this miracle. I was at the head of the bed while Jeff was at Amy's side. She was a trooper! She did it with no epidural! She has inspired me to NEVER try what she did :) I am so proud of her!

Ocie was born on 3/8/11, 3 plus 8 is 11. Avery was born in 2/9/11, 2 plus 9 is 11. We thought that was pretty cool.

Today is Avery's one month birthday! I gave birth to one of God most beautiful creations one month ago today. I didn't realize that I had also given birth to one of God's most precious angels at that time. How lucky that we are to be the parents of an angel! I love to look at her picutres, they bring me great joy and pain at the same time. She is so beautiful. I just want to hug her and whisper in her ear that I love her.

I miss her more and more every day. The pain doesn't ease at all, if anything it intensifies with each passing second. I long for her in such a way I never thought existed. My love for her abounds all other loves except for God and Eric. If I didn't believe she could see us I don't think I could go on. I know she sees us and knows our hearts. As I have said in the past, I can feel her arms around me at times, and I am going to do my best to never let her see me do anything that would cause her to not be proud of me. You would think that just having God know every move I make that I would be more cautious of my words and actions but she's my daughter. I still want to be a role model to her.

Eric and I were talking the other night about what age we thought/hoped Avery would be when we reach heaven. I hope she's 2 or 3. And I hope she's a chubby monkey! I can't wait to see her with her wings, introduce us to the disciples, and all the people we have read about in the bible.

I can't get all my thoughts together right now so I might update more later.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Bleeding Heart

The pain I have felt today should bring blood. I didn't know heartache could bring such physical pain. My heart aches, it literally aches. It aches for Avery. To hold her close.

I never would have believed you if you told me 4 weeks ago that Avery wasn't going to make it, that her dysplasia was incompatible with life, and that we would have to make the hardest decision of our lives. Sometimes I still don't believe it. That our angel is just that, an angel watching over us now, instead of us watching over her as we imagined we would be doing right now. I want to hear her cry, hear her coo, and I can just imagine her voice. I love little girl voices! They are so sweet and innocent.

I have to go back to work in what seems like no time. I am very much dreading it. I love my team members and they are the best friends/family anyone could ask for, it's taking care of infants and children I am dreading. I am dreading seeing well infants who just have an acute illness. I am dreading seeing the child you always wonder about when they walk out the door., The one where you wonder if they are cared for at home, are they fed well, do their parents even realize what a gift they have? How can I care for others when I am not well myself? I am mad. I am angry. I am a mother who's daughter was born with a fatal skeletal dysplasia. Why me? Why our family? Because God chose us. He in His infinate widsom knew we needed her. He knew we could survive this. How will we survive? I have no clue, yes, I do, our Father will carry us through. At times I feel so alone in this but I know Eric is here with me. I know God will never fail me. These are the two most important men in my life, aside from my father. These are the two men I need to cling to in my times of dispare.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

21 days

It's been 21 days since we said goodbye to Avery's earthly body.

It's been 21 days since we bravely held on tight to one another and made our last walk to the NICU at JCMC to see Avery.

It's been 21 days since we told each other we had to be strong for her, that she didn't need to feel our pain or suffering while we held her for the last time.

It's been 21 days since God opened His arms and called Avery home.

It's been a very painful past 21 days.

I can remember most details of that day. I remember walking in silence as we walked hand in hand to the NICU. As we passed people in the hallways and elevator I wondered what they thought as they saw us walk by...could they possibly know what we were about to do or what we had been through...of course not, but I still wondered if it was written all over our faces. I've never held on to Eric as tight as I did when they removed the ET tube from her, we turned our backs to them and held on to each other for what seemed like eternity. Sydney, Avery's nurse, told us to turn around and that Avery was mad. And boy was she! She was beet red and had her extremities rigid. She looked like a sumo wrestler with her diaper on! We dressed her in a gown that was white and had pink roses on it. She was struggling to breathe and it was breaking my heart. I told her over and over that I loved her and it was okay to go on. I didn't want her to suffer so that faster she went to be with the Lord the better off she was. Once her breathing slowed I held her for a while in the NICU and then we went to a private room while they got Avery wrapped up. We melted when we got in there to wait on Avery. The pain is still so fresh in my heart. They brought her to us all wrapped up and in one of those plastic roll carts, the way they usually bring them to the room the first time. I mentioned to Eric how ironic it was, that they were bringing her to us like that but it was for the last time. We unbundled her and Eric held her for a while. We were crying and I was telling him how I was looking forward to watching him dance with her while she stood on his feet. He looked at me and said, I am gonna dance with my daughter, stood up, cuddled her close, and danced around the room with her. We sang to her, talked to her, kissed her, smelled her, and played with her hair. I danced with her too. I held her closely to my chest with her face against mine. It was precious. I bawled like a baby as I danced with her. We spent a few hours with her and Eric decided we needed to leave after they pronounced her or we would never leave her. He went to the restroom and I laid down on the couch and cuddled with Avery. We placed her back in the rolling cart and wrapped her up like a burrito. Said our goodbyes for the time being and walked out the door. That was the hardest goodbye and the longest walk to the car. On the way home we chatted and talked about how thankful we were for our time with her. It was the quickest ride home from JC we had ever had. I can't remember the last time Eric and I just talked to one another for an hour and a half straight.

Avery's purpose was served. She brought together thousands in prayer and her biggest accomplishment was bringing Eric and I closer to the Lord. Had we never received news that she was going to be a "small person" we would have never started reading our Bibles together, praying with each other daily, and reading verses over her nightly. We learned to trust in Him and to have a child like faith. She was preparing us for the biggest trial and heart ache of our lives. I am glad we didn't know that she had TD. Had we known we would have never enjoyed our pregnancy or hoped for her to live a happy life. We could have had an amnio performed but our perinatoloigst didn't think it was necessary, which we are very thankful for. I could not imagine knowing I was going to give birth to a child who was either going to be stillborn or die within minutes or hours. God hand His hand in all this to protect us.

Parents, as you read this please know how lucky you are, please love your spouse, and children with all your heart because you never know when the Lord will call us home.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

It's been a few days since I've posted and thought I should update on how we are doing. To be honest, I am just out right sad for the most part. But in those moments of sadness I look at Avery's pictures, an instant peace surrounds me. At times I feel her sweet arms around me. I get a chill all around me and I know it's her and God watching over me. I still can't believe it's been 22 days since I gave birth. Last night as we were getting ready for bed, I looked at ET and said, you know, we always said we wouldn't have Avery sleep in the bed with us, but we both know that wouldn't have lasted at all! I'd give anything to snuggle with her again, and I will one day. How lucky are we as Christ's children to know we have an eternity in heaven with our loved ones who have gone before us? That Jesus died on the cross so that our sins are forgiven once we confess them to Him and by those wounds He sustained we are healed? These thoughts are what get us through, day by day. We talk to Avery nightly and tell her to get our mansion ready for us. What a glorious day that will be, to meet our Savior, and be reunited with our loved ones :)

My sister is about to pop any day now! We can not wait to meet our niece Ocie!