Sunday, June 12, 2011

Happy 4 Month Angel Day Avery!

Avery was welcomed into the Lords Kingdom 4 months ago today. I can't believe it's been 4 months. It seems like it was just yesterday when I found out we were expecting her. All I could think about this morning is when we said our good bye's to her. I still can't believe I was able to walk away from her that day. I feel like a horrible mother because I walked away from her. I wish we would have stayed longer but we knew the longer we stayed the worse it would get. She had already left this earth but her body was just so precious to us. It's still hard to fathom what happened. I talk about her all the time, I love telling new people about her, and what a great work she did for Jesus. So, she is alive in my heart but I would give my life to have her here.
I would have gladly taken her pain so she wouldn't have had to endure any of it. Avery basically smothered to death and I would have traded places with her if I was given the option to.
I would have done it so I could watch Eric be a wonderful father.
I would have done it because that is what any mother would have done.
I am not saying I wish I was dead so please don't take it that way, I am just saying I would have taken her suffering from her if I could have.

At times it feels as if we are standing still. That everything and everyone around us goes on and we are stuck. I feel like we are in a rut. We used to talk to her nightly and we don't do that anymore. I still write her letters but not as frequently. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over to her. I am sure she doesn't mind thought :)

In my last blog I talked about the job hunt not going so well. Well, on Thursday I received 2 job offers within 5 minutes. I was offered the IT job I wanted and I was offered a job to work at the First Assist that my current clinic is turning into. Apparently they got the impression I am good at what I do so the practice manager and the lead physician put their heads together to come up with an idea to keep me and they wrapped two positions into one and offered it to me. All I can say is wow! I guess my hard work has paid off! I am blessed to have these two jobs offered to me but now I have to make a choice. I hate making choices!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

longing

Avery would have been 4 months old tomorrow. I have a swing that should have my sweet Avery girl in it right now with Brodie and Molly laying at her feet. I have a dresser full of the cutest baby girl clothes that Avery should be wearing or grew out of by now. I have a cabinet full of pacifiers and bottles. I have a room painted light purple with all the makings of little girl fun. And what do I have now? Empty arms.

The past few days have been rough. I find myself wondering what she would look like, what kind of sounds would she be making, what would get her attention, and who's attitude she would have. I burst into tears when I got in the car after work today. My heart couldn't take it and I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. It's hard for me to concentrate at work when my mind is on her. I think one reason why I am thinking of her so much is that I had my IUD removed due to complications and we wanted to start trying right away to have another child but I don't want another one....I want HER. I shouldn't say I don't want another one, because I do but I want her more than anything right now. However.....we are going to use oral contraceptives till September and the let the Lord take over.

Today we were running late for work and we talked about how much later we would be running if we had Avery to get ready and take to my moms. We laughed at the thoughts of her having one of those poops where it runs up their backs and it never seems to stop. How I long for sleepless nights of changing a dirty diaper and feedings. I hate hearing people fuss about not getting sleep because they were up with their child....seriously? I would give anything for that. Since I was little there was nothing I wanted to be more than a mother. Well, there was a stint when I wanted to be a witch....but anyway :) It's been a longing in my heart for a long time. During mine and Eric's hard times I didn't want children. I thought that bringing a child into our world would not be fair to them. After many years of trying to conceive we gave up. I thought a child would make things worse, but getting pregnant with Avery was the best thing for us. We finally had someone to concentrate on other than ourselves.

Still no luck with finding a job. I have interviewed for one I really want but haven't heard a yes or no on it..........I am really hoping that job works out. I will still be at the same hospital and that is one of my main goals. I don't want to lose any of my years of service, pto, and I don't want to have to learn a new set of people. I hate change and if I can minimize the change I will try my best to. I am just so confused about all of it. I really didn't need this to happen but it is what it is.......I just don't know if I can handle much more.

Eric got me an iPad for my birthday! It's pretty cool.

Sorry this post is random....I just can't quite gather my thoughts tonight.