Sunday, April 19, 2015

"Christ did not come to make bad people good; He came to make dead people alive" Christine Caine

WARNING: This will be a long one.  A very personal one and a Christ driven one.

This morning Brodie was his hyper self.  Excited to eat breakfast, go potty, and wake his momma up.  Eric proceeds to tell him to calm down as Brodie is panting and jumping around.  I simply state "He is just excited about life" and then utter under my breath I wish I was again.  Eric said, "You can be." Through the loss of Avery, two miscarriages, one of which resulted in 2 surgeries, 8 months of bleeding, and an emotional roller coaster I have become bound by depression and anxiety. 

I do not sleep.
I worry.
I stress.
I over eat.
I spend way too much money.
I find happiness in material things.
I do not think much of myself.
I have no self worth.

A friend who is going through a hard time told me she admired me and told me I was so strong after having lost Avery, I felt so ashamed that she thought these things of me when I feel I am not strong and nothing to be admired.  Yes, I find peace in knowing my child is in Heaven and that she will never ever know the evils of this world.  Yes, I make the choice to honor the memory of my daughter by talking about her and spreading awareness about dwarfism but I do still cry for my child, you know that three year old cry where snot is running down your nose, you're beat red in the face and the sobbing won't stop.  I do still question why us, I still get angry, and I still wonder if it even really happened.  At times it is all a blur and at times it feels like it was yesterday. 

I had some alone time this morning after taking care of Brodie and Molly so I spent that time with Jesus.  I looked up scripture about anxiety and stress.  I found one site that had about 20.  As I read through each of them they all spoke to me in different ways, to cast my worries upon Him and He will take care of me, that He will never leave me or forsake me, and that if I trust in Him there is nothing to worry about, after all, He is my father, why would He not take care of me?  I get to the last one, Psalm 56 3-4: "When I am afraid, I will trust in you Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me?" This one resounded in me.  If I truly cast my worries upon the Lord then all my worry, my anxiety, and my over thinking will go away.  Easier said than done but if I totally surrender to Him then it will happen. 

So today, I am taking a stand against the devil who robs me of my sleep, who places constant worry and doubt in my head, who has convinced me that happiness through material things will
replace emotional happiness, who has made find comfort in food, and who has destroyed my self worth. I will now be bound in the promises of my Lord.  My favorite promise comes from Romans 8:18 "For the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us".

Now that I have made this public, the devil will swoop in and will be hell bent on destroying my life.  But I am ready.  I am equipped with the Bible, knees to pray on, and a supportive husband. I am faithful God's angel army (which I am inclined to believe that Avery leads) will surround me and fight this war with me. God is on my side. Who else do I need?

So, lets talk about Avery Grace.  That little spit fire would be 4 now.  She would rule the roost and would have her daddy wrapped around her finger.  I have no doubt that if she asked me for something and I said no she would strut right on over to ET and ask him and he would say yes :) She would have long dark brown hair, blunt bangs, the sweetest voice ever, and her daddy's good looks. I miss her so much.  Not a day goes that I don't wonder what life would be like with her here but I would never want to rob her of the glory she is experiencing now.  We can not wait until the day we get to join her in heaven. 

If you do not have a personal relationship with our Father, Christ, I urge you to find someone who does, ask them questions, ask them their experiences of living a Christian life, and find a home church.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


Today while getting my hair shaped up the hairdresser had met ET during the time of our pregnancy and loss.  While cutting my hair she shared with me another story of a mother losing a child unexpectedly and how her blog has turned into her ministry.  This stirred those feelings in me again of when people would tell me how touched they were by my blog and how strong I am, so I have decided to start blogging again. 

The past 18 months for us have been filled with joy and heartache.  We smile in the fact that Avery is in heaven, that she is not suffering, and that we will see her again one day.  All the while I can't help but tear up when I think about how if God had not called her home I would have a toddler!  A walking, talking, version of me!  I would give anything to hear her talk, to who she took after more with her personality, and what she would look like by now.  I guess I should explain that when I speak of her like this I am speaking of her being 100% normal, without any physical deformity.  We prayed so hard and so faithfully for a healing over her it's the only way I can imagine her. 

I have yet again changed jobs!  Actually twice since I last updated!  I stopped traveling and went back to my home hospital.  I took a job in our quality department and started missing patient care so I am now in our ER.  I do miss the m-f hours and weekends off but I am finding joy in what I am doing now.  Eric is now a full time professor at E&H.  They will be opening a DPT program soon so they hired him to help set it up and being their director of clinical education. 

It amazes me every time that God places me in a place or situation to let me know that Avery has not been forgotten.  I went into a patient room to discharge them and the patient said, are you, Becky Tran Coley, I said yes, then she replied, I've seen you on mutual friends facebook pages, I just wanted to let you know that I am really sorry about your little girl.  So I had to find out how she knew.  She goes to church with two sisters I went to HS with, both older than me, we aren't close but close enough to be called friends.  She said they requested prayer for us often before Avery's birth and after her passing.  I was so touched that they thought enough of me and my child to request prayer for us.

I wish I could by a megaphone that would project my voice loud enough for the world to hear so I can tell everyone about our Avery.  About how she saved our marriage, brought people closer to God, how she got someone to pray that hadn't prayed in years, and how beautiful she was! 

A friend of mine who I met through blogging, who also had a sweet baby girl with thanatophoric dysplasia, is expecting another sweet little girl!  I ask that you will join me in prayer that God will give her and her husband the comfort they need to know that this little girl will be born completely healthy!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

1 year

It's been a very long time since I have updated and since today is Avery's one year anniversary of growing her angel wings I thought it would be a good time to.

Eric and I spent the week in Destin, Fl.  We both wanted to get away for the week.  The first time I went to Destin I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Avery....that place means a lot to me.  Avery swam in that ocean :) There is something about being on the beach that makes me feel closer to God.  I think it's when I sit back and think....My God made this.  He spoke the water, the sand, and all the creatures of the sea into creation.

It was an emotional few days but we tired our best to have a good time and celebrate her life.

On the morning of the 9th I woke with great sadness in my heart.  However, my amazing friends lifted that sadness from me when they started posting pics of balloons they sent Avery for her birthday!  I am sooo blessed and lucky to have such sweet and caring people in my life.  I often feel that people have forgotten what happened so them doing that meant the world to me.

At 1206 which is the time she was born we looked at each other and said, "She's here!" That's what our fantastic nurse said when they finally removed Avery from my womb.  All I could see were her eyes but I could tell she was smiling ear to ear.  Oh, how I would give anything to relive those three days.  I know they were agonizing times and Avery was fighting her hardest to give us as much time with her as she could but I would give anything to lay eyes on her again.  To touch her hands, her feet, her sweet feel her in my arms again.

I've been very angry over her passing.  I have peace in my heart that she is in heaven and that I will see her again but I am just plain mad.  I ask over and over why I am not worthy of having a healthy child when I see women who are all doped up having child after child and don't treasure them they way I would/do Avery.   I need to let go of the anger and move on but I just can't.  I just feel it's sooo unfair.....we can give a child all the love it could ever need/want and provide any material thing they could need.  But I know I have to give this feeling up so my heart is clean.

We purchased some sky lanterns to write Avery a letter on and send up in the sky to her but they didn't make it on time so we bought some balloons today.  My parents wrote her a letter and tied them to their balloons.  With it being so windy and cold the sky lanterns wouldn't have worked tonight....funny how things work out.  We plan to do them this weekend so I will post pics.  Next year we would like to have all our family and friends come over and write a letter to Avery on a sky lanterns and set them off :)  I think it would be beautiful! 

The sky lanterns thing came from the movie Tangled and the fact I am half Asian.  Eric wanted to take Avery to see Tangled so bad while I was pregnant.  I thought we would look silly going so I said no.  We watched it shortly after Avery's passing and we cried like babies.  Every year on her birthday her parents would launch a ton of sky lanterns in hopes she would see them and return to them.  She returns after 18 years and they said she was their princess worth waiting for which is exactly how we feel about our Sweet Avery.  Each day that passes is just one more day closer I am to seeing her again.  I didn't think we would have had to wait a year to be honest though. 

I can't wait to see my Avery again.  I see her being 3 years of age, short, chubby, with blunt bangs and a pony tail that stick straight up!  I can not put into words how I can't wait for that day.  To enter into heaven where there is no pain, no suffering, no sickness, and no evil but where God's grace abounds and we are all reunited with our loved ones!  I can just imagine the look on Avery's face when Jonah told her he lived in the belly of a whale!  We talk about how we know she will be beside God when He welcomes us home.  She will fist bump Eric, wrap her arms around my neck, then grab her daddy's hand and say, follow me, I'm gonna show you our mansion!

Thursday, November 17, 2011


It's been 9 months since Avery grew her angels wings.  It was a hard one for me because I carried her for 9 months and she has been gone for 9 months.  I can't believe we have been on this journey for 18 months.  I can still remember the details of the day I found out I was pregnant as if it was yesterday.

I went through a really hard time back in August.....One day while at work I was minding my own business working and all of a sudden I lost it.  I was crying like a loon in my cube for a good 5 minutes and I feel a tap on my shoulder.  My boss, asked me if I was okay and needed to leave and over his shoulder I could see my other co-workers looking at me with worry.  I told him I needed to leave but Eric had the car because we rode together that morning.  My parents only live 5 minutes away but I had to get out of there.  So my boss offered to take me home.  So here I am with my boss of over 1 month crying like a loon all the way to marion.  I am sure he was wondering if he needed to fire me!  It was then and there I knew I needed a change.  I needed a change in attitude and jobs.  Since I have been traveling with my new job I haven't had as much time to dwell on Avery's passing.  My new co-workers and boss have welcomed me with open arms. 

Eric and I are doing well.  Our relationship is has grown stronger and much closer to God.  I know from the depths of my soul that's Avery's main purpose was to bring is closer, to save our marriage.  I miss that girl more than I can even begin to describe.  She forever changed me.  My out look on life is much different than it was 18 months ago.  I cherish everything.  I live each moment like the Lord is coming that moment.  I am waiting with great anticipation for the day He calls ET and I home so that we may join Him in paradise with Avery. 

We talk often about what Avery would look like.  We talked about what food she would like the other day.  I said mashed potatoes and he said applesauce :)  He will randomly ask me what he thinks we would be doing with Avery.  I always say zurberting her chubby belly and legs and he said, we can't always play zurbert :)  Oh, how I can't wait to touch her again!  To see her beautiful face and to never let her out of my sight again.  I feel like such a horrible mommy for leaving her body at the hospital.  I still have no idea how I left, how I turned my back and walked out of that place without her.  How could I leave her in that room, swaddled, and all alone?!?!?  I know the nurses went in there as we left but I still feel horrible for leaving her. 

Please join me in prayer for the Robinson family.  They found out today their 7 year old son has two malignant tumors.  You can read their story at:

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The World is Spinning and I am Standing Still

I cannot believe it's been 8 months since I laid eyes on Avery for the first time.  8 months since I feel in love with that tub of love, since my world was shattered when our baby girl didn't make a noise after they removed her from my womb, since I knew what being a "momma" felt like, and the only time I was blessed to hear her cry.

As time goes on I feel like I am standing still. Oct. 5th was year mark that we found out Avery's arms and legs were not measuring 21 weeks like the rest of her body, but 15 weeks. Oct 7th was the day we were told with certainty she had Achondoplasia. Oct. 9th was the day we told we didn't have to accept this diagnosis, that God could heal her, and that's the day we spoke of a supernatural healing over Avery. She received her healing....just not the one we spoke over her. She received a healing greater than we ever asked for. I miss her more and more with each passing second. If someone tells you time heals all wounds, don't listen to them. Nothing will heal the pain of losing a child, except when our Lord calls us home and we can be with her again! Each day is a struggle to get through but each day that passes is one more day closer to being with her. I long to kiss her sweet lips and smell her again.  To feel her in my arms again would be heaven on earth.

ET and I debate on what she would be for Halloween. I say a pea in the pod, a lady bug, or pumpkin, but he says a peanut! We talk about her alot and wonder what she would be doing. What her laugh would sound like and what would make her laugh. Since we expected her to be here with us it's hard to not think of those things. I had a bad day on Tuesday and my mom picked me up for work. I was talking about how I wanted Avery here and she kept saying that she is better off because she would have no quality at life but we were expecting a healthy baby. Not one that would have flat ribs, flat vertebra, extremely short limbs, a depressed nasal bridge, a bell shaped thorax, redundant skin folds bossed forehead, and femurs that looked like telephone receivers. I never imagined I would be holding our sweet baby girl as she took her last breath. I never imagine I would leave that hospital without her. I never imagined this would ever happen to us.

I am stuck and I need a change.

I took a new position back in July because they were changing the clinic I worked at and the new company didn't employ RN's. I took this position knowing that by the end of 2012 or sooner the software system I would support and educate on would be switched to another system, I took it in hopes that I would also be the clinical support for it. Well......the corporation I work for has an Information Systems team and a Clinical Informatics team.....the Clinical Informatics team will be educating on the software and the IS team already has a system support team at our corporate IS center.....soo.....that leaves me with no job. I was called for an interview with the CI team but I don't want to drive to Johnson City daily (an hour and a half drive) if my home hospital is not JMH. So, I applied with the software system I work PRN for. I flew out to Dallas on Wednesday and received a job offer the next day. The pay and benefits are way too phenomenal to pass up. The downside however is I will be traveling weekly, Monday through Thursday. I need something to keep my mind busy and I feel this job will. Eric and I have weighed the pro's and con's of the job and we think we can do it. I am just glad I don't have to move to Dallas, that place is flat! I def can't move away from the mountains!

I hate to leave JMH.  I have formed a family there and it broke my heart when I gave my notice on Friday.  I work with a great group of people and leaving them is going to be hard.  We are extremly short staffed as it is and I feel terrible for leaving but I have to do that is best for me.  Side note: Dog are amazing.  I am getting emotional and guess who decides to hop on the couch and put her head on my arm....yep, Molly :) 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Misery loves company

Dr. Misery,

You first made your appearance known to me on Monday, it is now Wednesday and I am tired of your company. I will ask that you kindly leave my home. Thanks, Becky.

I haven't cried this much or been this miserable in months. I don't know what is wrong with me.

Eric and I went to Rain, a local restaurant, for dinner tonight. We decided to run on down to Bristol while we were out and go to Best Buy and Target. I don't know what it is about Target but I always lose it in there. I walked by the toddler clothes and did okay, looked at some of the cute Halloween shirts.....then the baby clothes are next. I couldn't help but stop and touch a few of them. There was a stuffed elephant with it's trunk up so I had to play with it for a minute. What in the world was I thinking? There are a few ways I can navigate Target and avoid the baby items all together. I guess I like to punish myself.

I am sorry the past few blogs aren't up lifting as they usually are. I could make them that way but that's not whats on my heart and mind right now. All I know is that I never thought I would be going through anything like this, or even anything remotely close to it.

No one should see their infant take their last breath. No one should long to see their child again or touch them again. I want to smell her. I want to feel her warm chubby hand on my face as I feed her. I want to hear her squill with laughter. I want to hear her cry because she needs something. I want her. Point blank.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


As many of you know Eric and I have two labrador retreivers we love to death. We have Brodie, our 5 year old boy who loves people and is extremly hyper. Then we have Molly, our 4 year old girl who is shy and laid back. Brodie is a very loving doggie, he loves to cuddle, play, and give lots of kisses. Molly loves to play and she likes to be loved on but only when she wants it.

Our dogs are not allowed on the couch. Yesterday Molly kept trying to climb on the couch and get to me. She made it once and plopped right down on me....very unsual for her. Told her to get off the couch and she did but tried to get back on again as soon as she got off. So I let her up on me and she just buried her head in my chest. After much thought about it she could sense I was about to have a break down. This am we got up early because we had someone coming by to fix a toliet so I laid back down on the couch. Again Molly makes her way on the couch. She settles in behind my knees. I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later because I am burning up. Molly had some how made her way up behind me and had one of her front legs around my neck :)

Now, Brodie is my boy. He follows me everywhere I go, even to the bathroom. He lays beside me in the bed and Molly usually hangs out at the foot of the bed. But today Molly has been my buddy. She is usually a loner and doesn't perfer ET or I, she likes Brodie much more than either of us. I went and got a Pedi and some new charms for my pandora bracelet as a pick me up and as soon as I got home she was trying to crawl up me.

It's amazing how a dog is more sensitive to feelings than humans are. She is letting me know that she knows I am hurting and that she loves me :) Yes, my dog loves me :)