Angel Day

Eric and I have declared that the 12th be "Angel Day". It's much nicer than "death anniversary" or anything of that nature. It helps make this date much more bearable.

We went to visit Amy and her family this weekend. Eric meet Ocie and got to hold her a few times. It was hard for either of us when we held her, given the day (it's been exactly one month since Avery grew her angel wings). I remember how I felt the first time Eric held Avery. It was Feb 10th around 2pm. We had just received the news that Avery had TD and wasn't going to survive. We stood by her bedside after he told us and Eric in a low voice asked if I thought they would let us hold Avery, I said probably not since she was still unstable. It wasn't one minute later that Sydney (Avery's awesome nurse) asked if we wanted to hold her. I held her first and then handed her over to Eric (with help from the nurses :)). It was the best feeling in the world to see him hold his daughter, even though we had just heard the unthinkable, holding her was the best medicine we could have asked for at that moment. They took pictures of us holding her and printed them off for us. They are treasured pictures. That day is mostly a blur to me, the clearest part is when we got to hold her. If I am repeating myself with any of the details, I am sorry. It really helps me to talk about her and the events that occurred during her short life.

On the way home tonight the song 'Cinderella' by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio and I lost it. Eric always talked about dancing with Avery. In the song the daughter always goes to her dad, practices dancing as a child, for prom, and for her wedding with her daddy. I never had this relationship with my dad and I just knew Avery would with Eric. As the flood of tears stream down my face and the agonizing pain takes over my heart I got angry. It's been one month since Avery's "Angel Day" and I finally got mad. Mad enough to ask why us and declare from the deepest part of my broken heart, that it's not fair. How do people who do not take care of their unborn babies by subjecting them to alcohol and drugs have healthy babies and not us? Why do two loving people who professed and believed in a miracle of a total healing of their child, have their daughter taken away from them? And how silly does it sound ask for a healing of a body that would just be "small"? I'd give anything to have Avery here as a "small person". I'd give anything to just have her here! Yes, I know, she's in a much better place but geez! I am only human and I want my daughter!!!! I want to hold her in my arms and gaze at her beautiful face. I want to feel her breathe and move in my arms.

And praise God that I will be able to gaze at her beautiful face again, one sweet day.