Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Misery loves company

Dr. Misery,

You first made your appearance known to me on Monday, it is now Wednesday and I am tired of your company. I will ask that you kindly leave my home. Thanks, Becky.

I haven't cried this much or been this miserable in months. I don't know what is wrong with me.

Eric and I went to Rain, a local restaurant, for dinner tonight. We decided to run on down to Bristol while we were out and go to Best Buy and Target. I don't know what it is about Target but I always lose it in there. I walked by the toddler clothes and did okay, looked at some of the cute Halloween shirts.....then the baby clothes are next. I couldn't help but stop and touch a few of them. There was a stuffed elephant with it's trunk up so I had to play with it for a minute. What in the world was I thinking? There are a few ways I can navigate Target and avoid the baby items all together. I guess I like to punish myself.

I am sorry the past few blogs aren't up lifting as they usually are. I could make them that way but that's not whats on my heart and mind right now. All I know is that I never thought I would be going through anything like this, or even anything remotely close to it.

No one should see their infant take their last breath. No one should long to see their child again or touch them again. I want to smell her. I want to feel her warm chubby hand on my face as I feed her. I want to hear her squill with laughter. I want to hear her cry because she needs something. I want her. Point blank.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dogs

As many of you know Eric and I have two labrador retreivers we love to death. We have Brodie, our 5 year old boy who loves people and is extremly hyper. Then we have Molly, our 4 year old girl who is shy and laid back. Brodie is a very loving doggie, he loves to cuddle, play, and give lots of kisses. Molly loves to play and she likes to be loved on but only when she wants it.

Our dogs are not allowed on the couch. Yesterday Molly kept trying to climb on the couch and get to me. She made it once and plopped right down on me....very unsual for her. Told her to get off the couch and she did but tried to get back on again as soon as she got off. So I let her up on me and she just buried her head in my chest. After much thought about it she could sense I was about to have a break down. This am we got up early because we had someone coming by to fix a toliet so I laid back down on the couch. Again Molly makes her way on the couch. She settles in behind my knees. I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later because I am burning up. Molly had some how made her way up behind me and had one of her front legs around my neck :)

Now, Brodie is my boy. He follows me everywhere I go, even to the bathroom. He lays beside me in the bed and Molly usually hangs out at the foot of the bed. But today Molly has been my buddy. She is usually a loner and doesn't perfer ET or I, she likes Brodie much more than either of us. I went and got a Pedi and some new charms for my pandora bracelet as a pick me up and as soon as I got home she was trying to crawl up me.

It's amazing how a dog is more sensitive to feelings than humans are. She is letting me know that she knows I am hurting and that she loves me :) Yes, my dog loves me :)

Monday, September 5, 2011

struggling

I am sorry it's been such a long time since I have updated this. I started my new job back in July and have been busy with that. And honestly, I have sat down to write but I lose the words. It's as if they are all piled in my head then vanish when my fingers hit the keys.

I have been a whirl wind of emotions lately. Like today, Eric has friends over and we were watching TV and I get anxious all of a sudden. Then the urge to cry consumes me. I retreated to our room, where I am now, and curl up in a ball with one of her blankets and cry. I know one of the triggers is that we have been discussing the possibility of trying again. Sat night I went to Avery's room, grabbed some of her clothes out of the draws, clung to them with all my might, and said "I don't want another baby, I want you....."over and over. I honestly don't know how people pick up and move on. I have tired. I have tried hard. I dream about her nightly now. I don't see her, it's present day and she isn't here. I have to deal with that enough while I am awake, why do I have to be tormented in my sleep too when I do actually sleep?

I have gone through all the stages of grief and back again, guess I need to get my act together and finally pass!

I know God had a purpose in all this. But it's hard to understand if I even have any of it right in my head. I just have to give it up and stop trying to control everything like I usually do.

I just take comfort in knowing I will see her again. And when I do I will never have to say bye to her again.