Keeping focus

It's been a very rough week. I am getting more anxious as my return to work date draws near. I have to go back, I don't want to, but life MUST go on. I can't sit here at the house all day long or make trips to Target just to get out of the house and leaving with more stuff than I need. It will be good to get back into a routine. I got my Merina yesterday. We decided on that route of birth control because with oral contraceptives it can take a year for your cycle to become normal and as soon as the iud is out, your cycle is back to normal right away. We plan to have it out March of 2010 and start trying for baby #2 then. We hope to have another girl so we can use alot of Avery's clothes and such. She was such a blessed baby! We have more clothes than she would have needed. I have given some items away but most of the stuff I am very attached to and can't part with. My mom and I went to a Tanger Outlet Center after we found out Avery was a girl and she went crazy buying stuff. I would pick up stuff here and there and boy did it amount up! She was very blessed at her baby shower too! Many of her big items, crib, pack and play, and swing are gender neutral. Her baby bag however is not, it has a coral trim....don't think a boy would like that! I had mixed feeling about using her stuff on another child but I honestly don't think she would care :) So, when I got home yesterday I did some more research on the Merina and scared myself! I wanted it out right then and there. Most of the comments on it were positive, only a handful were bad, but bad enough for me to question if I did the right thing. I sure hope I did because my insurance only covered less than half of it and I had to fork out the rest! I've been having a hard time dealing with Avery's death the past few weeks. At times I get angry, others I am glad she's not on this horrible earth, but most of the time I am just sooo sad. Looking at her picutres brings me to tears. I wonder what she would look like now, how much would she weigh, and what her cry would sound like. I can't sleep. All I can do at night is think of her, how she should be beside us, waking us up at all hours of the night for a feeding and a diaper change. Many people complain about such things but I know that with our next I will cherish it. The other night we were wondering what her coo would sound like, so in ET and Becky fashion, we laid in bed and made cooing sounds! It was hilarious! Its those moments that get us through, knowing her purpose was served, and that we WILL see her again one day! It's amazing how people remember us. I ran into the ultrasound tech at the doc yesterday who did all but one of our ultrasounds, she ran up to me, and hugged me. She said that one day she was talking to Dr. Welt and mentioned that I said I would bring Avery by to meet her and I hadn't yet, and he told her about Avery. She cried, told me how sorry she was, and said she had been praying for us. They do multiple ultrasounds all day long so it tickles me when people remember us. I am going to NC this weekend to visit one of my best friends and Eric is going to Atlanta with his buddies. They are going to Wrestlemania! HAHA! They invited me but I kindly declined the offer! Hopefully some time out of town will do us both some good. We are going to Destin in May!! Driving over to Orlanda for a few nights and then we plan to go to Clearwater to meet another couple who unfortunaltey experienced the same thing we did with Avery just a few weeks after us. They are soo sweet and I can't wait to meet them!