Today while getting my hair shaped up the hairdresser had met ET during the time of our pregnancy and loss. While cutting my hair she shared with me another story of a mother losing a child unexpectedly and how her blog has turned into her ministry. This stirred those feelings in me again of when people would tell me how touched they were by my blog and how strong I am, so I have decided to start blogging again.
The past 18 months for us have been filled with joy and heartache. We smile in the fact that Avery is in heaven, that she is not suffering, and that we will see her again one day. All the while I can't help but tear up when I think about how if God had not called her home I would have a toddler! A walking, talking, version of me! I would give anything to hear her talk, to who she took after more with her personality, and what she would look like by now. I guess I should explain that when I speak of her like this I am speaking of her being 100% normal, without any physical deformity. We prayed so hard and so faithfully for a healing over her it's the only way I can imagine her.
I have yet again changed jobs! Actually twice since I last updated! I stopped traveling and went back to my home hospital. I took a job in our quality department and started missing patient care so I am now in our ER. I do miss the m-f hours and weekends off but I am finding joy in what I am doing now. Eric is now a full time professor at E&H. They will be opening a DPT program soon so they hired him to help set it up and being their director of clinical education.
It amazes me every time that God places me in a place or situation to let me know that Avery has not been forgotten. I went into a patient room to discharge them and the patient said, are you, Becky Tran Coley, I said yes, then she replied, I've seen you on mutual friends facebook pages, I just wanted to let you know that I am really sorry about your little girl. So I had to find out how she knew. She goes to church with two sisters I went to HS with, both older than me, we aren't close but close enough to be called friends. She said they requested prayer for us often before Avery's birth and after her passing. I was so touched that they thought enough of me and my child to request prayer for us.
I wish I could by a megaphone that would project my voice loud enough for the world to hear so I can tell everyone about our Avery. About how she saved our marriage, brought people closer to God, how she got someone to pray that hadn't prayed in years, and how beautiful she was!
A friend of mine who I met through blogging, who also had a sweet baby girl with thanatophoric dysplasia, is expecting another sweet little girl! I ask that you will join me in prayer that God will give her and her husband the comfort they need to know that this little girl will be born completely healthy!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
1 year
It's been a very long time since I have updated and since today is Avery's one year anniversary of growing her angel wings I thought it would be a good time to.
Eric and I spent the week in Destin, Fl. We both wanted to get away for the week. The first time I went to Destin I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Avery....that place means a lot to me. Avery swam in that ocean :) There is something about being on the beach that makes me feel closer to God. I think it's when I sit back and think....My God made this. He spoke the water, the sand, and all the creatures of the sea into creation.
It was an emotional few days but we tired our best to have a good time and celebrate her life.
On the morning of the 9th I woke with great sadness in my heart. However, my amazing friends lifted that sadness from me when they started posting pics of balloons they sent Avery for her birthday! I am sooo blessed and lucky to have such sweet and caring people in my life. I often feel that people have forgotten what happened so them doing that meant the world to me.
At 1206 which is the time she was born we looked at each other and said, "She's here!" That's what our fantastic nurse said when they finally removed Avery from my womb. All I could see were her eyes but I could tell she was smiling ear to ear. Oh, how I would give anything to relive those three days. I know they were agonizing times and Avery was fighting her hardest to give us as much time with her as she could but I would give anything to lay eyes on her again. To touch her hands, her feet, her sweet head....to feel her in my arms again.
I've been very angry over her passing. I have peace in my heart that she is in heaven and that I will see her again but I am just plain mad. I ask over and over why I am not worthy of having a healthy child when I see women who are all doped up having child after child and don't treasure them they way I would/do Avery. I need to let go of the anger and move on but I just can't. I just feel it's sooo unfair.....we can give a child all the love it could ever need/want and provide any material thing they could need. But I know I have to give this feeling up so my heart is clean.
We purchased some sky lanterns to write Avery a letter on and send up in the sky to her but they didn't make it on time so we bought some balloons today. My parents wrote her a letter and tied them to their balloons. With it being so windy and cold the sky lanterns wouldn't have worked tonight....funny how things work out. We plan to do them this weekend so I will post pics. Next year we would like to have all our family and friends come over and write a letter to Avery on a sky lanterns and set them off :) I think it would be beautiful!
The sky lanterns thing came from the movie Tangled and the fact I am half Asian. Eric wanted to take Avery to see Tangled so bad while I was pregnant. I thought we would look silly going so I said no. We watched it shortly after Avery's passing and we cried like babies. Every year on her birthday her parents would launch a ton of sky lanterns in hopes she would see them and return to them. She returns after 18 years and they said she was their princess worth waiting for which is exactly how we feel about our Sweet Avery. Each day that passes is just one more day closer I am to seeing her again. I didn't think we would have had to wait a year to be honest though.
I can't wait to see my Avery again. I see her being 3 years of age, short, chubby, with blunt bangs and a pony tail that stick straight up! I can not put into words how I can't wait for that day. To enter into heaven where there is no pain, no suffering, no sickness, and no evil but where God's grace abounds and we are all reunited with our loved ones! I can just imagine the look on Avery's face when Jonah told her he lived in the belly of a whale! We talk about how we know she will be beside God when He welcomes us home. She will fist bump Eric, wrap her arms around my neck, then grab her daddy's hand and say, follow me, I'm gonna show you our mansion!
Eric and I spent the week in Destin, Fl. We both wanted to get away for the week. The first time I went to Destin I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Avery....that place means a lot to me. Avery swam in that ocean :) There is something about being on the beach that makes me feel closer to God. I think it's when I sit back and think....My God made this. He spoke the water, the sand, and all the creatures of the sea into creation.
It was an emotional few days but we tired our best to have a good time and celebrate her life.
On the morning of the 9th I woke with great sadness in my heart. However, my amazing friends lifted that sadness from me when they started posting pics of balloons they sent Avery for her birthday! I am sooo blessed and lucky to have such sweet and caring people in my life. I often feel that people have forgotten what happened so them doing that meant the world to me.
At 1206 which is the time she was born we looked at each other and said, "She's here!" That's what our fantastic nurse said when they finally removed Avery from my womb. All I could see were her eyes but I could tell she was smiling ear to ear. Oh, how I would give anything to relive those three days. I know they were agonizing times and Avery was fighting her hardest to give us as much time with her as she could but I would give anything to lay eyes on her again. To touch her hands, her feet, her sweet head....to feel her in my arms again.
I've been very angry over her passing. I have peace in my heart that she is in heaven and that I will see her again but I am just plain mad. I ask over and over why I am not worthy of having a healthy child when I see women who are all doped up having child after child and don't treasure them they way I would/do Avery. I need to let go of the anger and move on but I just can't. I just feel it's sooo unfair.....we can give a child all the love it could ever need/want and provide any material thing they could need. But I know I have to give this feeling up so my heart is clean.
We purchased some sky lanterns to write Avery a letter on and send up in the sky to her but they didn't make it on time so we bought some balloons today. My parents wrote her a letter and tied them to their balloons. With it being so windy and cold the sky lanterns wouldn't have worked tonight....funny how things work out. We plan to do them this weekend so I will post pics. Next year we would like to have all our family and friends come over and write a letter to Avery on a sky lanterns and set them off :) I think it would be beautiful!
The sky lanterns thing came from the movie Tangled and the fact I am half Asian. Eric wanted to take Avery to see Tangled so bad while I was pregnant. I thought we would look silly going so I said no. We watched it shortly after Avery's passing and we cried like babies. Every year on her birthday her parents would launch a ton of sky lanterns in hopes she would see them and return to them. She returns after 18 years and they said she was their princess worth waiting for which is exactly how we feel about our Sweet Avery. Each day that passes is just one more day closer I am to seeing her again. I didn't think we would have had to wait a year to be honest though.
I can't wait to see my Avery again. I see her being 3 years of age, short, chubby, with blunt bangs and a pony tail that stick straight up! I can not put into words how I can't wait for that day. To enter into heaven where there is no pain, no suffering, no sickness, and no evil but where God's grace abounds and we are all reunited with our loved ones! I can just imagine the look on Avery's face when Jonah told her he lived in the belly of a whale! We talk about how we know she will be beside God when He welcomes us home. She will fist bump Eric, wrap her arms around my neck, then grab her daddy's hand and say, follow me, I'm gonna show you our mansion!
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