Thursday, November 17, 2011

change

It's been 9 months since Avery grew her angels wings.  It was a hard one for me because I carried her for 9 months and she has been gone for 9 months.  I can't believe we have been on this journey for 18 months.  I can still remember the details of the day I found out I was pregnant as if it was yesterday.

I went through a really hard time back in August.....One day while at work I was minding my own business working and all of a sudden I lost it.  I was crying like a loon in my cube for a good 5 minutes and I feel a tap on my shoulder.  My boss, asked me if I was okay and needed to leave and over his shoulder I could see my other co-workers looking at me with worry.  I told him I needed to leave but Eric had the car because we rode together that morning.  My parents only live 5 minutes away but I had to get out of there.  So my boss offered to take me home.  So here I am with my boss of over 1 month crying like a loon all the way to marion.  I am sure he was wondering if he needed to fire me!  It was then and there I knew I needed a change.  I needed a change in attitude and jobs.  Since I have been traveling with my new job I haven't had as much time to dwell on Avery's passing.  My new co-workers and boss have welcomed me with open arms. 

Eric and I are doing well.  Our relationship is has grown stronger and much closer to God.  I know from the depths of my soul that's Avery's main purpose was to bring is closer, to save our marriage.  I miss that girl more than I can even begin to describe.  She forever changed me.  My out look on life is much different than it was 18 months ago.  I cherish everything.  I live each moment like the Lord is coming that moment.  I am waiting with great anticipation for the day He calls ET and I home so that we may join Him in paradise with Avery. 

We talk often about what Avery would look like.  We talked about what food she would like the other day.  I said mashed potatoes and he said applesauce :)  He will randomly ask me what he thinks we would be doing with Avery.  I always say zurberting her chubby belly and legs and he said, we can't always play zurbert :)  Oh, how I can't wait to touch her again!  To see her beautiful face and to never let her out of my sight again.  I feel like such a horrible mommy for leaving her body at the hospital.  I still have no idea how I left, how I turned my back and walked out of that place without her.  How could I leave her in that room, swaddled, and all alone?!?!?  I know the nurses went in there as we left but I still feel horrible for leaving her. 

Please join me in prayer for the Robinson family.  They found out today their 7 year old son has two malignant tumors.  You can read their story at: www.sweetlifewithboys.blogspot.com