WARNING: This will be a long one. A very personal one and a Christ driven one.
This morning Brodie was his hyper self. Excited to eat breakfast, go potty, and wake his momma up. Eric proceeds to tell him to calm down as Brodie is panting and jumping around. I simply state "He is just excited about life" and then utter under my breath I wish I was again. Eric said, "You can be." Through the loss of Avery, two miscarriages, one of which resulted in 2 surgeries, 8 months of bleeding, and an emotional roller coaster I have become bound by depression and anxiety.
I do not sleep.
I worry.
I stress.
I over eat.
I spend way too much money.
I find happiness in material things.
I do not think much of myself.
I have no self worth.
A friend who is going through a hard time told me she admired me and told me I was so strong after having lost Avery, I felt so ashamed that she thought these things of me when I feel I am not strong and nothing to be admired. Yes, I find peace in knowing my child is in Heaven and that she will never ever know the evils of this world. Yes, I make the choice to honor the memory of my daughter by talking about her and spreading awareness about dwarfism but I do still cry for my child, you know that three year old cry where snot is running down your nose, you're beat red in the face and the sobbing won't stop. I do still question why us, I still get angry, and I still wonder if it even really happened. At times it is all a blur and at times it feels like it was yesterday.
I had some alone time this morning after taking care of Brodie and Molly so I spent that time with Jesus. I looked up scripture about anxiety and stress. I found one site that had about 20. As I read through each of them they all spoke to me in different ways, to cast my worries upon Him and He will take care of me, that He will never leave me or forsake me, and that if I trust in Him there is nothing to worry about, after all, He is my father, why would He not take care of me? I get to the last one, Psalm 56 3-4: "When I am afraid, I will trust in you Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" This one resounded in me. If I truly cast my worries upon the Lord then all my worry, my anxiety, and my over thinking will go away. Easier said than done but if I totally surrender to Him then it will happen.
So today, I am taking a stand against the devil who robs me of my sleep, who places constant worry and doubt in my head, who has convinced me that happiness through material things will
replace emotional happiness, who has made find comfort in food, and who has destroyed my self worth. I will now be bound in the promises of my Lord. My favorite promise comes from Romans 8:18 "For the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us".
Now that I have made this public, the devil will swoop in and will be hell bent on destroying my life. But I am ready. I am equipped with the Bible, knees to pray on, and a supportive husband. I am faithful God's angel army (which I am inclined to believe that Avery leads) will surround me and fight this war with me. God is on my side. Who else do I need?
So, lets talk about Avery Grace. That little spit fire would be 4 now. She would rule the roost and would have her daddy wrapped around her finger. I have no doubt that if she asked me for something and I said no she would strut right on over to ET and ask him and he would say yes :) She would have long dark brown hair, blunt bangs, the sweetest voice ever, and her daddy's good looks. I miss her so much. Not a day goes that I don't wonder what life would be like with her here but I would never want to rob her of the glory she is experiencing now. We can not wait until the day we get to join her in heaven.
If you do not have a personal relationship with our Father, Christ, I urge you to find someone who does, ask them questions, ask them their experiences of living a Christian life, and find a home church.
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