What a nice surprise to cone home to!

Through my friend Kim, who also had a daughter with TD, I found this blog where you can put your decest childs name on a waiting list and have their name written in the sand! They only open their request page at certain times and you have to catch it at the right moment and I did a few days before we left for our vacation. I didn't check the waiting list because I thought it would be a week or so before she made it there but I checked it today and her name wasn't there. So, I thought I messed it up and my request didn't go through but I started to scroll through the names for May and there it was! It was done on the day we left for our beach vacation :) I can't wait to get the prints and hang one in the house and in my office!

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/05/avery-grace-coley.html

crazy life

Avery's marker has been laid! It's sooo pretty! We got our bill in the mail on Saturday which included a picture of the marker! On Sunday after church Eric and I went in search of it. We couldn't find it. We left our map of the cemetery at home but thought if we looked for fresh dirt we could find it. We drove around that place 10 times and gave up. Our parents came over later in the evening and we went in search of it. We found it right off the bat :) Well, Eric did :) My dad brought a ceramic duck with blue flowers in it. I am glad he thought of it because we didn't. Even though we had her cremated it was important to our families to have a "memorial site". I guess it's just a cultural thing for them.

Eric and I are going on an anniversary/vacation trip on Friday. We are leaving for Destin, FL at noon! I am soooo excited! We haven't taken a solo trip in a very long time. Saturday is our 6 year wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have been married that long! I am glad to get away and celebrate. Last year we weren't on the best terms and didn't do anything so I am thankful we are doing well and are able to go away and enjoy each others company. I am sad to leave Brodie and Molly behind and I would take them with me if I could but a 10 hour drive would be misery for them.

There are lots of things going on for me now. I am having complications from my IUD and will be having it removed in June. I won't go on any other form of birth control. I know the Lord will bless us with another child when the time is right. I am also job hunting :( The hospital system I work for also has a medical office system under them that has Urgent Care Centers within it so they will be handing us over to them. They don't hire RN's to do the patient care and there is already someone who does my job. I am broken hearted over this. The people I work with are family. We have formed our own family there. We have all been there since it opened except two people.....3.5 years later. They will help us find other jobs within our hospital system but I am spoiled to my M-F, no weekends schedule. But God will lead me where I am to go. I am super nervous because I've never not received a job offer after an interview....I am scared of rejection.

I miss her. We talk often about how much we miss her even though she was only here for 3 days, actually 39 weeks and 3 days. I count from the time she was conceived. We still have our good days and bad days. The good are starting to out weigh the bad. But there isn't a moment that passes that I don't miss her. I was at the mall with a friend last week and we went into Crazy 8, a new children's clothing store that Gymboree opened, and they had the sweetest bathing suits! There was a two piece neon green one that I could just picture Avery in! All head and belly :) I can see her on the beach with us in that suit, white rimmed sunglasses, and a hat to protect her sweet baby skin. I told Eric about it and he said she would have to have a 3 month extra large because she was so big around :) The other night I held up her "coming home outfit" and we laughed at how it would have never fit her, it was way too small! I went through some of her clothes Monday night and just pictured her in them. Her dark hair would have been so pretty with all the purple and pink clothes she had. You can tell I am a hippie at heart with the clothes I picked out for her!

I still haven't put her baby items up. I just can't do it. Her swing is still in her play area, her pack and play is still up in our bedroom, and her room is exactly the same as when we left the morning I had her. Time goes on and it feels as if I am standing still. I want her here. I want to play with her hair and take in her scent. I've learned through this that grief is very individual and no book on grief will make you feel better. They are good at explaining the emotions with each stage and explaining that it is different for every one.

Maybe one day I will write a book about our journey through hearing bad news about our baby girl, believing without ceasing for a total physical healing, experiencing the death of our baby girl, and life afterwards. I will have to have a ghost writer of course.........I should have paid attention in english class!

mothers day and 3 months

Yesterday was a very emotional day for us.

Saturday night Eric told me I needed to go to bed and give him some time to get my mother's day gift from Avery ready.

I woke Sunday morning with a note in the shape of a heart beside my cell phone from Avery! I went to the bathroom and there was a note on the mirror that said, I love you because you are beautiful like me....Eric said I had notes all over the kitchen and living room. There were ten total, all of which had a special saying, each one strategically placed. The one of walking by faith was under a shoe, the one of taking care of her daddy was under our wedding photo, the one of being a christian woman was on my bible, the one of loving her was under a willow tree figurine of a mother holding her baby close......I cried and cried. I never thought Eric had something so loving in him.

I gave birth to that baby girl 3 months ago today.

3 months ago today I laid eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world.

3 months ago today we had the biggest scare of our lives when Avery did not come out crying and she had to be resuscitated.

3 months ago today my heart melted and I never felt as much love as I did when I laid eyes on Avery for the first time.

3 months ago today my heart was crush and ripped from my chest when Avery was on the brink of death.

3 months ago today thousands joined us in prayer.

3 months ago God used Avery to knock on the hearts of many who did not know Him.

I sincerely do not believe anyone when they say time heals. Each day is more crippling for me. I miss her more than words can describe. Just when I think the pain can't get any worse it does. When that pain consumes me all breath leaves my body, I feel an ache in my chest, and my arms go numb. I find myself asking why now more than ever. Why MY baby girl. Why did MY baby girl have to suffer. Why did WE have to watch our baby girl take her last breath. We are good people. We believe in You, Lord. We begged and pleaded with You. Before Avery was born, I had many visions.....her being born with a healthy body was my fav., but the one right before her birth was me seeing her for the first time in the NICU, on the ventilator, and me sitting in a wheelchair. I feel like I "willed" what happened to her because I saw that, because I allowed myself to see that. The morning we were driving to the hospital to have her I had a feeling we would never leave with her. Call it mothers intuition or knowledge from God.....but I feel as if I did something to cause this. I know this isn't true, our God is not a vengeful God. It's just the human in me. At times I want to crawl in a hole and cry myself to sleep. When I sleep I can't feel the pain, I don't miss her when I am asleep. I can't see the pain in Eric's eyes when we sleep.

Now one to something not so deep. At my last GYN appointment she said we could start trying again in 9 months from the day we had Avery. I am super excited about this! We may wait a few months longer just so I won't be huge during the summer. I would love to have a baby in October, then we could have Halloween themed birthday parties!

easter

All Easter morning I wept and wept. I kept thinking that Avery should be here and that I should be busy getting her all dolled up for church. I saw a dress at Carter's that I knew she would be adorable in! I can still envision her in it with a bow in her hair :)

I wept all during service too. Because I missed her and because that I knew I would see her again, and that brought unspeakable joy to my heart.

Eric was having a bad day yesterday. He said all he could think about is what Avery would look like now. We talk alot about what we think she will look like in heaven but not here. I can't stand it when he has a bad day. There is something about grown men crying that rips me into pieces. When he and my dad cry it's all over. I cry all the time so it doesn't affect him the way him crying does me. I can remember being on the OR table and Avery not crying as she came out. I said "She's not crying ET"........he reassured me Avery would be fine, then we heard them say start CPR. Tears began streaming down his face. I can close my eyes and see it all over again, The nights of crying in pain over Avery. He had a bad night that Thursday and I had a bad night that Friday. I didn't cry hysterically, I just wept all night. I had a feeling that it was our last day with Avery. I did cry hysterically when the decision was made. It's almost been 3 months since her birth but it feels like yesterday.

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her move. I truly loved being pregnant. I didn't mind the aches and pains, the "normal" signs and symptoms of pregnancy. I treasure the stretch marks I have. They are a permanent mark on my body as a reminder of my sweet baby girl. The right side of my stomach pouches out farther then the left, it's where she kept her head. I miss her having hiccups and my entire belly jumping as she had them. I'd carry her for a lifetime, she was safe there. She's in a much better place now but I am just saying if that is how I could keep her here physically then I would do it.

I was sooo scared about being a mom. That was my biggest fear. How silly. Being a nurse I knew there could be potential problems but her passing never crossed my mind. Yes, she would be small, yes, her legs may be bowed and she would need surgery to fix them, yes, she could have hydrocephalus and have headaches as she grew older. These were things we could do something about. But her passing away....we couldn't do anything about that. Her purpose was served.

I have recently came into contact with a family who is involved with March of Dimes. They had a daughter born 4 months early and was released from the NICU the day of Avery's birth. The father is going to include Avery in his speech at the walk on Saturday. I ask you pray for this baby girl and her parents. Her name is Gracie. Thanks!

Thanks to those of you who read and offer your support to us. We couldn't do it without you!

Random thoughts.

This one is going to be for me. I need to write (type) some things down so when my memory slips I will have a way to recall how I was feeling during this time or what was going on.

We are working on our landscaping at the house....it's about time, lol! We will have been here three summers this summer! I have asked my father-in-law to help me start a flower bed in memory of Avery. We have the perfect spot for one and have talked about doing it for years but haven't done it. It's in front of our dining room window, it's not level so we will have to build it up but I think it's the perfect spot for it! I want to fill it up with beautiful purple flowers!

The land between ours and my brother-in-laws slopes along the drive way and I want to plant the flowers that look like they creep along everything! I don't know what they are called but most of them are purple and pink :) I think it's cool how we liked the color purple for Avery and it's a Royal color. Many people in heaven have sashes the color of purple (I know this from the book Heaven is for Real). The little boy that's story is told in that book mentioned the purple sashes :)

Speaking of that book, it gave me great peace of Avery's appearance in Heaven. I know she has wings, wears a robe of white, and could be any age when we get there. I hope she's around 3, has long dark brown hair, and her daddy's attitude :) How I can't wait to see her again. Just typing this makes me weep, my arms get numb, and I feel that ache in my heart. Sometimes the weeping is of anticipation and others it's of sorrow. I know I shouldn't want her here on this earth but I want her soo badly! I always worried about her being picked on when she arrived as a "small person", I knew she would get picked on regardless but I worried that it would be more than usual. But I don't have to worry about that! There is no such thing in Heaven :)

I've been back at work for 2 weeks now and getting caught up and back in the swing of things. I still wish I could not have returned but people there depend on me and life goes on. I know I have said "life goes on" alot but I have to tell myself that over and over. I have to remind myself that Avery can see me and I know she doesn't want to see me waste my life. I want her to be proud of me! I want her to grab her angel friends and say, "look! there's MY mommy, she's a great nurse!"

I had never thought of going into ministry or thought that's what God wanted me to do until after Avery's life came and went. As many people that she brought together in prayer and changed lives by word of mouth about her I could only imagine how many people could be brought to Christ if we went around the country telling people her story, about our faith of a complete healing of her body, and NOT being defeated when we didn't get the miracle we prayed for. God performed many miracles through her! I am sooo thankful that our parents raised us in the church and instilled God's word in our hearts.

I am sooooo glad one of those miracles was to bring ET and I closer together. At the time we were going through a very rough patch and God knew we needed her to bring us back to where we needed to be in our marriage. He knew we needed to hear not good news about our baby girl to draw us closer to Him. Avery's conception was done with purpose. We prayed Psalm 139 over her nightly. He wove her together in the dark of my womb. He knew we needed her. He knew the world needed her. There are no mistakes when babies are conceived. Each one is a gift from God. We might not understand the circumstances or why their lives may end before birth or shortly after, but they had a purpose and their purpose was full filled.

Wow, I got a bit preachy there!

Friends

Last night my girlfriends came over and brought dinner for me. After we had finished eating Duncan had a sneaky grin on her face and was holding a bag in her hand......if you know this girl you never know what she is up to :) We were all on the couch, she handed me a card, and passed around a wrapped boxes to all the girls. I opened Duncan's first, it was a bracelet, I thanked her for the bracelet and put it on :) Well, I then had to take it off because I was told too, Rose held it out for me. They each handed me their gifts and in each box was a charm to go on the bracelet! Each was something special that meant alot about Avery and her short life. We all sat and cried. I tried to lighten the mood by saying who the gift was from and something that was funny and personal between me and that person. We then endulged in a honeybun cake, played apples to apples, and reverted back to 10th grade :) I am soo blessed to have such wonderful ladies in my life! Ones to help me through the pain, lift me up, and let me know that they haven't forgotten Avery.


Some say time heals all wounds. But I don't know about the wound of losing a child. It gets harder and harder every day. The longing gets worse. Some days I can function, others I just sit on the couch in shear misery. I just sit and cry. Stare off into space. Wonder what she's doing in Heaven. Wonder what she looks like. Mainly ponder on what life would be like if she were here. I want soooo badly to touch her. Last night ET asked me what was the first thing I wanted to do with Avery was when we got to heaven. I couldn't narrow it down to one thing but the three most important are to kiss her, hug her, and tell her a thousand times that I love her.


I have always felt I was in God's will. That he had something very special ahead of me and was going to do big things in my life for Him. I had no idea that it was to witness to others through the loss of my daughter though. The only way I can survive this is to glorify Him for her life and for the purpose she served.

and life goes on

I returned to work this week. I worked half a day Wednesday, worked up to a 6 hour day Thursday, and then did a full 8.5 hours yesterday. I never thought I would get caught up but I actually did and go a huge head start on a few things. I actually enjoyed being back at work. It's nice to have a routine back. I haven't had to do any patient care yet which is a good thing. I staff half a day Wednesday.....I haven't even tried on my scrubs to see if they fit yet! I guess I should do that soon in case I need to purchase a new set to get me through until I can get back into my regular ones :) I am soo anxious about taking care of a pregnant lady. I miss my belly. I miss Avery being there, all safe, and sound. On Thursday when I went to run errands at the hospital I was sooo scared of seeing someone who didn't know about Avery's passing. I kept my head down and prayed no one would notice me. And it worked! The places I needed to go were places where everyone knew about her. I was very emotional that day and was afraid of what would come out of my mouth or if I would cry on someone. Most of the time I don't mind people asking how she is......because I get to say, "She is doing well actually, she's in heaven." That doesn't always come out though.....some times it's, "uh...er....she passed...." or "um, well, she didn't survive." It's like Forrest Gump's box of chocolate bit....you never know what you are gonna get. Eric picked me up from work yesterday and I get in the car and notice he's quiet (which if you know my husband is not like him at all) then I realize what song is playing.....Cinderella. I grab his hand and kiss it. We quietly cried together, missing those moments we looked forward to experiencing with Avery. Then Glorious Day came on. I smiled the biggest smile (the one where my eyes disappear :)) and laughed. God and Avery were reminding us to not dwell or be sad.....that one Glorious Day He will return and take us Home! We will see her again, we will hold her again, we will kiss our sweet baby girl again....one glorious day! The days get harder but each day that comes and goes is just one more day that brings us closer to meeting Jesus! Speaking of that Glorious Day.....Last night we had a ginormous storm system come though. Lots of lightning and thunder. It was a little after 2am when I heard the loudest and longest roar of thunder I have ever heard, the house shook it was soo loud. I honestly thought the Lord was coming. I shook Eric awake and told him I thought the Lord was coming and he said, "how awesome would that be". We laid there in silence for a few minutes then I asked Eric if he was asking God to forgive him of his sins and he said yes, I replied...."Well, good, I am too, and I want you to go with me."