WARNING: This will be a long one. A very personal one and a Christ driven one.
This morning Brodie was his hyper self. Excited to eat breakfast, go potty, and wake his momma up. Eric proceeds to tell him to calm down as Brodie is panting and jumping around. I simply state "He is just excited about life" and then utter under my breath I wish I was again. Eric said, "You can be." Through the loss of Avery, two miscarriages, one of which resulted in 2 surgeries, 8 months of bleeding, and an emotional roller coaster I have become bound by depression and anxiety.
I do not sleep.
I worry.
I stress.
I over eat.
I spend way too much money.
I find happiness in material things.
I do not think much of myself.
I have no self worth.
A friend who is going through a hard time told me she admired me and told me I was so strong after having lost Avery, I felt so ashamed that she thought these things of me when I feel I am not strong and nothing to be admired. Yes, I find peace in knowing my child is in Heaven and that she will never ever know the evils of this world. Yes, I make the choice to honor the memory of my daughter by talking about her and spreading awareness about dwarfism but I do still cry for my child, you know that three year old cry where snot is running down your nose, you're beat red in the face and the sobbing won't stop. I do still question why us, I still get angry, and I still wonder if it even really happened. At times it is all a blur and at times it feels like it was yesterday.
I had some alone time this morning after taking care of Brodie and Molly so I spent that time with Jesus. I looked up scripture about anxiety and stress. I found one site that had about 20. As I read through each of them they all spoke to me in different ways, to cast my worries upon Him and He will take care of me, that He will never leave me or forsake me, and that if I trust in Him there is nothing to worry about, after all, He is my father, why would He not take care of me? I get to the last one, Psalm 56 3-4: "When I am afraid, I will trust in you Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" This one resounded in me. If I truly cast my worries upon the Lord then all my worry, my anxiety, and my over thinking will go away. Easier said than done but if I totally surrender to Him then it will happen.
So today, I am taking a stand against the devil who robs me of my sleep, who places constant worry and doubt in my head, who has convinced me that happiness through material things will
replace emotional happiness, who has made find comfort in food, and who has destroyed my self worth. I will now be bound in the promises of my Lord. My favorite promise comes from Romans 8:18 "For the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us".
Now that I have made this public, the devil will swoop in and will be hell bent on destroying my life. But I am ready. I am equipped with the Bible, knees to pray on, and a supportive husband. I am faithful God's angel army (which I am inclined to believe that Avery leads) will surround me and fight this war with me. God is on my side. Who else do I need?
So, lets talk about Avery Grace. That little spit fire would be 4 now. She would rule the roost and would have her daddy wrapped around her finger. I have no doubt that if she asked me for something and I said no she would strut right on over to ET and ask him and he would say yes :) She would have long dark brown hair, blunt bangs, the sweetest voice ever, and her daddy's good looks. I miss her so much. Not a day goes that I don't wonder what life would be like with her here but I would never want to rob her of the glory she is experiencing now. We can not wait until the day we get to join her in heaven.
If you do not have a personal relationship with our Father, Christ, I urge you to find someone who does, ask them questions, ask them their experiences of living a Christian life, and find a home church.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
update
Today while getting my hair shaped up the hairdresser had met ET during the time of our pregnancy and loss. While cutting my hair she shared with me another story of a mother losing a child unexpectedly and how her blog has turned into her ministry. This stirred those feelings in me again of when people would tell me how touched they were by my blog and how strong I am, so I have decided to start blogging again.
The past 18 months for us have been filled with joy and heartache. We smile in the fact that Avery is in heaven, that she is not suffering, and that we will see her again one day. All the while I can't help but tear up when I think about how if God had not called her home I would have a toddler! A walking, talking, version of me! I would give anything to hear her talk, to who she took after more with her personality, and what she would look like by now. I guess I should explain that when I speak of her like this I am speaking of her being 100% normal, without any physical deformity. We prayed so hard and so faithfully for a healing over her it's the only way I can imagine her.
I have yet again changed jobs! Actually twice since I last updated! I stopped traveling and went back to my home hospital. I took a job in our quality department and started missing patient care so I am now in our ER. I do miss the m-f hours and weekends off but I am finding joy in what I am doing now. Eric is now a full time professor at E&H. They will be opening a DPT program soon so they hired him to help set it up and being their director of clinical education.
It amazes me every time that God places me in a place or situation to let me know that Avery has not been forgotten. I went into a patient room to discharge them and the patient said, are you, Becky Tran Coley, I said yes, then she replied, I've seen you on mutual friends facebook pages, I just wanted to let you know that I am really sorry about your little girl. So I had to find out how she knew. She goes to church with two sisters I went to HS with, both older than me, we aren't close but close enough to be called friends. She said they requested prayer for us often before Avery's birth and after her passing. I was so touched that they thought enough of me and my child to request prayer for us.
I wish I could by a megaphone that would project my voice loud enough for the world to hear so I can tell everyone about our Avery. About how she saved our marriage, brought people closer to God, how she got someone to pray that hadn't prayed in years, and how beautiful she was!
A friend of mine who I met through blogging, who also had a sweet baby girl with thanatophoric dysplasia, is expecting another sweet little girl! I ask that you will join me in prayer that God will give her and her husband the comfort they need to know that this little girl will be born completely healthy!
The past 18 months for us have been filled with joy and heartache. We smile in the fact that Avery is in heaven, that she is not suffering, and that we will see her again one day. All the while I can't help but tear up when I think about how if God had not called her home I would have a toddler! A walking, talking, version of me! I would give anything to hear her talk, to who she took after more with her personality, and what she would look like by now. I guess I should explain that when I speak of her like this I am speaking of her being 100% normal, without any physical deformity. We prayed so hard and so faithfully for a healing over her it's the only way I can imagine her.
I have yet again changed jobs! Actually twice since I last updated! I stopped traveling and went back to my home hospital. I took a job in our quality department and started missing patient care so I am now in our ER. I do miss the m-f hours and weekends off but I am finding joy in what I am doing now. Eric is now a full time professor at E&H. They will be opening a DPT program soon so they hired him to help set it up and being their director of clinical education.
It amazes me every time that God places me in a place or situation to let me know that Avery has not been forgotten. I went into a patient room to discharge them and the patient said, are you, Becky Tran Coley, I said yes, then she replied, I've seen you on mutual friends facebook pages, I just wanted to let you know that I am really sorry about your little girl. So I had to find out how she knew. She goes to church with two sisters I went to HS with, both older than me, we aren't close but close enough to be called friends. She said they requested prayer for us often before Avery's birth and after her passing. I was so touched that they thought enough of me and my child to request prayer for us.
I wish I could by a megaphone that would project my voice loud enough for the world to hear so I can tell everyone about our Avery. About how she saved our marriage, brought people closer to God, how she got someone to pray that hadn't prayed in years, and how beautiful she was!
A friend of mine who I met through blogging, who also had a sweet baby girl with thanatophoric dysplasia, is expecting another sweet little girl! I ask that you will join me in prayer that God will give her and her husband the comfort they need to know that this little girl will be born completely healthy!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
1 year
It's been a very long time since I have updated and since today is Avery's one year anniversary of growing her angel wings I thought it would be a good time to.
Eric and I spent the week in Destin, Fl. We both wanted to get away for the week. The first time I went to Destin I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Avery....that place means a lot to me. Avery swam in that ocean :) There is something about being on the beach that makes me feel closer to God. I think it's when I sit back and think....My God made this. He spoke the water, the sand, and all the creatures of the sea into creation.
It was an emotional few days but we tired our best to have a good time and celebrate her life.
On the morning of the 9th I woke with great sadness in my heart. However, my amazing friends lifted that sadness from me when they started posting pics of balloons they sent Avery for her birthday! I am sooo blessed and lucky to have such sweet and caring people in my life. I often feel that people have forgotten what happened so them doing that meant the world to me.
At 1206 which is the time she was born we looked at each other and said, "She's here!" That's what our fantastic nurse said when they finally removed Avery from my womb. All I could see were her eyes but I could tell she was smiling ear to ear. Oh, how I would give anything to relive those three days. I know they were agonizing times and Avery was fighting her hardest to give us as much time with her as she could but I would give anything to lay eyes on her again. To touch her hands, her feet, her sweet head....to feel her in my arms again.
I've been very angry over her passing. I have peace in my heart that she is in heaven and that I will see her again but I am just plain mad. I ask over and over why I am not worthy of having a healthy child when I see women who are all doped up having child after child and don't treasure them they way I would/do Avery. I need to let go of the anger and move on but I just can't. I just feel it's sooo unfair.....we can give a child all the love it could ever need/want and provide any material thing they could need. But I know I have to give this feeling up so my heart is clean.
We purchased some sky lanterns to write Avery a letter on and send up in the sky to her but they didn't make it on time so we bought some balloons today. My parents wrote her a letter and tied them to their balloons. With it being so windy and cold the sky lanterns wouldn't have worked tonight....funny how things work out. We plan to do them this weekend so I will post pics. Next year we would like to have all our family and friends come over and write a letter to Avery on a sky lanterns and set them off :) I think it would be beautiful!
The sky lanterns thing came from the movie Tangled and the fact I am half Asian. Eric wanted to take Avery to see Tangled so bad while I was pregnant. I thought we would look silly going so I said no. We watched it shortly after Avery's passing and we cried like babies. Every year on her birthday her parents would launch a ton of sky lanterns in hopes she would see them and return to them. She returns after 18 years and they said she was their princess worth waiting for which is exactly how we feel about our Sweet Avery. Each day that passes is just one more day closer I am to seeing her again. I didn't think we would have had to wait a year to be honest though.
I can't wait to see my Avery again. I see her being 3 years of age, short, chubby, with blunt bangs and a pony tail that stick straight up! I can not put into words how I can't wait for that day. To enter into heaven where there is no pain, no suffering, no sickness, and no evil but where God's grace abounds and we are all reunited with our loved ones! I can just imagine the look on Avery's face when Jonah told her he lived in the belly of a whale! We talk about how we know she will be beside God when He welcomes us home. She will fist bump Eric, wrap her arms around my neck, then grab her daddy's hand and say, follow me, I'm gonna show you our mansion!
Eric and I spent the week in Destin, Fl. We both wanted to get away for the week. The first time I went to Destin I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Avery....that place means a lot to me. Avery swam in that ocean :) There is something about being on the beach that makes me feel closer to God. I think it's when I sit back and think....My God made this. He spoke the water, the sand, and all the creatures of the sea into creation.
It was an emotional few days but we tired our best to have a good time and celebrate her life.
On the morning of the 9th I woke with great sadness in my heart. However, my amazing friends lifted that sadness from me when they started posting pics of balloons they sent Avery for her birthday! I am sooo blessed and lucky to have such sweet and caring people in my life. I often feel that people have forgotten what happened so them doing that meant the world to me.
At 1206 which is the time she was born we looked at each other and said, "She's here!" That's what our fantastic nurse said when they finally removed Avery from my womb. All I could see were her eyes but I could tell she was smiling ear to ear. Oh, how I would give anything to relive those three days. I know they were agonizing times and Avery was fighting her hardest to give us as much time with her as she could but I would give anything to lay eyes on her again. To touch her hands, her feet, her sweet head....to feel her in my arms again.
I've been very angry over her passing. I have peace in my heart that she is in heaven and that I will see her again but I am just plain mad. I ask over and over why I am not worthy of having a healthy child when I see women who are all doped up having child after child and don't treasure them they way I would/do Avery. I need to let go of the anger and move on but I just can't. I just feel it's sooo unfair.....we can give a child all the love it could ever need/want and provide any material thing they could need. But I know I have to give this feeling up so my heart is clean.
We purchased some sky lanterns to write Avery a letter on and send up in the sky to her but they didn't make it on time so we bought some balloons today. My parents wrote her a letter and tied them to their balloons. With it being so windy and cold the sky lanterns wouldn't have worked tonight....funny how things work out. We plan to do them this weekend so I will post pics. Next year we would like to have all our family and friends come over and write a letter to Avery on a sky lanterns and set them off :) I think it would be beautiful!
The sky lanterns thing came from the movie Tangled and the fact I am half Asian. Eric wanted to take Avery to see Tangled so bad while I was pregnant. I thought we would look silly going so I said no. We watched it shortly after Avery's passing and we cried like babies. Every year on her birthday her parents would launch a ton of sky lanterns in hopes she would see them and return to them. She returns after 18 years and they said she was their princess worth waiting for which is exactly how we feel about our Sweet Avery. Each day that passes is just one more day closer I am to seeing her again. I didn't think we would have had to wait a year to be honest though.
I can't wait to see my Avery again. I see her being 3 years of age, short, chubby, with blunt bangs and a pony tail that stick straight up! I can not put into words how I can't wait for that day. To enter into heaven where there is no pain, no suffering, no sickness, and no evil but where God's grace abounds and we are all reunited with our loved ones! I can just imagine the look on Avery's face when Jonah told her he lived in the belly of a whale! We talk about how we know she will be beside God when He welcomes us home. She will fist bump Eric, wrap her arms around my neck, then grab her daddy's hand and say, follow me, I'm gonna show you our mansion!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
change
It's been 9 months since Avery grew her angels wings. It was a hard one for me because I carried her for 9 months and she has been gone for 9 months. I can't believe we have been on this journey for 18 months. I can still remember the details of the day I found out I was pregnant as if it was yesterday.
I went through a really hard time back in August.....One day while at work I was minding my own business working and all of a sudden I lost it. I was crying like a loon in my cube for a good 5 minutes and I feel a tap on my shoulder. My boss, asked me if I was okay and needed to leave and over his shoulder I could see my other co-workers looking at me with worry. I told him I needed to leave but Eric had the car because we rode together that morning. My parents only live 5 minutes away but I had to get out of there. So my boss offered to take me home. So here I am with my boss of over 1 month crying like a loon all the way to marion. I am sure he was wondering if he needed to fire me! It was then and there I knew I needed a change. I needed a change in attitude and jobs. Since I have been traveling with my new job I haven't had as much time to dwell on Avery's passing. My new co-workers and boss have welcomed me with open arms.
Eric and I are doing well. Our relationship is has grown stronger and much closer to God. I know from the depths of my soul that's Avery's main purpose was to bring is closer, to save our marriage. I miss that girl more than I can even begin to describe. She forever changed me. My out look on life is much different than it was 18 months ago. I cherish everything. I live each moment like the Lord is coming that moment. I am waiting with great anticipation for the day He calls ET and I home so that we may join Him in paradise with Avery.
We talk often about what Avery would look like. We talked about what food she would like the other day. I said mashed potatoes and he said applesauce :) He will randomly ask me what he thinks we would be doing with Avery. I always say zurberting her chubby belly and legs and he said, we can't always play zurbert :) Oh, how I can't wait to touch her again! To see her beautiful face and to never let her out of my sight again. I feel like such a horrible mommy for leaving her body at the hospital. I still have no idea how I left, how I turned my back and walked out of that place without her. How could I leave her in that room, swaddled, and all alone?!?!? I know the nurses went in there as we left but I still feel horrible for leaving her.
Please join me in prayer for the Robinson family. They found out today their 7 year old son has two malignant tumors. You can read their story at: www.sweetlifewithboys.blogspot.com
I went through a really hard time back in August.....One day while at work I was minding my own business working and all of a sudden I lost it. I was crying like a loon in my cube for a good 5 minutes and I feel a tap on my shoulder. My boss, asked me if I was okay and needed to leave and over his shoulder I could see my other co-workers looking at me with worry. I told him I needed to leave but Eric had the car because we rode together that morning. My parents only live 5 minutes away but I had to get out of there. So my boss offered to take me home. So here I am with my boss of over 1 month crying like a loon all the way to marion. I am sure he was wondering if he needed to fire me! It was then and there I knew I needed a change. I needed a change in attitude and jobs. Since I have been traveling with my new job I haven't had as much time to dwell on Avery's passing. My new co-workers and boss have welcomed me with open arms.
Eric and I are doing well. Our relationship is has grown stronger and much closer to God. I know from the depths of my soul that's Avery's main purpose was to bring is closer, to save our marriage. I miss that girl more than I can even begin to describe. She forever changed me. My out look on life is much different than it was 18 months ago. I cherish everything. I live each moment like the Lord is coming that moment. I am waiting with great anticipation for the day He calls ET and I home so that we may join Him in paradise with Avery.
We talk often about what Avery would look like. We talked about what food she would like the other day. I said mashed potatoes and he said applesauce :) He will randomly ask me what he thinks we would be doing with Avery. I always say zurberting her chubby belly and legs and he said, we can't always play zurbert :) Oh, how I can't wait to touch her again! To see her beautiful face and to never let her out of my sight again. I feel like such a horrible mommy for leaving her body at the hospital. I still have no idea how I left, how I turned my back and walked out of that place without her. How could I leave her in that room, swaddled, and all alone?!?!? I know the nurses went in there as we left but I still feel horrible for leaving her.
Please join me in prayer for the Robinson family. They found out today their 7 year old son has two malignant tumors. You can read their story at: www.sweetlifewithboys.blogspot.com
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The World is Spinning and I am Standing Still
I cannot believe it's been 8 months since I laid eyes on Avery for the first time. 8 months since I feel in love with that tub of love, since my world was shattered when our baby girl didn't make a noise after they removed her from my womb, since I knew what being a "momma" felt like, and the only time I was blessed to hear her cry.
As time goes on I feel like I am standing still. Oct. 5th was year mark that we found out Avery's arms and legs were not measuring 21 weeks like the rest of her body, but 15 weeks. Oct 7th was the day we were told with certainty she had Achondoplasia. Oct. 9th was the day we told we didn't have to accept this diagnosis, that God could heal her, and that's the day we spoke of a supernatural healing over Avery. She received her healing....just not the one we spoke over her. She received a healing greater than we ever asked for. I miss her more and more with each passing second. If someone tells you time heals all wounds, don't listen to them. Nothing will heal the pain of losing a child, except when our Lord calls us home and we can be with her again! Each day is a struggle to get through but each day that passes is one more day closer to being with her. I long to kiss her sweet lips and smell her again. To feel her in my arms again would be heaven on earth.
ET and I debate on what she would be for Halloween. I say a pea in the pod, a lady bug, or pumpkin, but he says a peanut! We talk about her alot and wonder what she would be doing. What her laugh would sound like and what would make her laugh. Since we expected her to be here with us it's hard to not think of those things. I had a bad day on Tuesday and my mom picked me up for work. I was talking about how I wanted Avery here and she kept saying that she is better off because she would have no quality at life but we were expecting a healthy baby. Not one that would have flat ribs, flat vertebra, extremely short limbs, a depressed nasal bridge, a bell shaped thorax, redundant skin folds bossed forehead, and femurs that looked like telephone receivers. I never imagined I would be holding our sweet baby girl as she took her last breath. I never imagine I would leave that hospital without her. I never imagined this would ever happen to us.
I am stuck and I need a change.
I took a new position back in July because they were changing the clinic I worked at and the new company didn't employ RN's. I took this position knowing that by the end of 2012 or sooner the software system I would support and educate on would be switched to another system, I took it in hopes that I would also be the clinical support for it. Well......the corporation I work for has an Information Systems team and a Clinical Informatics team.....the Clinical Informatics team will be educating on the software and the IS team already has a system support team at our corporate IS center.....soo.....that leaves me with no job. I was called for an interview with the CI team but I don't want to drive to Johnson City daily (an hour and a half drive) if my home hospital is not JMH. So, I applied with the software system I work PRN for. I flew out to Dallas on Wednesday and received a job offer the next day. The pay and benefits are way too phenomenal to pass up. The downside however is I will be traveling weekly, Monday through Thursday. I need something to keep my mind busy and I feel this job will. Eric and I have weighed the pro's and con's of the job and we think we can do it. I am just glad I don't have to move to Dallas, that place is flat! I def can't move away from the mountains!
I hate to leave JMH. I have formed a family there and it broke my heart when I gave my notice on Friday. I work with a great group of people and leaving them is going to be hard. We are extremly short staffed as it is and I feel terrible for leaving but I have to do that is best for me. Side note: Dog are amazing. I am getting emotional and guess who decides to hop on the couch and put her head on my arm....yep, Molly :)
As time goes on I feel like I am standing still. Oct. 5th was year mark that we found out Avery's arms and legs were not measuring 21 weeks like the rest of her body, but 15 weeks. Oct 7th was the day we were told with certainty she had Achondoplasia. Oct. 9th was the day we told we didn't have to accept this diagnosis, that God could heal her, and that's the day we spoke of a supernatural healing over Avery. She received her healing....just not the one we spoke over her. She received a healing greater than we ever asked for. I miss her more and more with each passing second. If someone tells you time heals all wounds, don't listen to them. Nothing will heal the pain of losing a child, except when our Lord calls us home and we can be with her again! Each day is a struggle to get through but each day that passes is one more day closer to being with her. I long to kiss her sweet lips and smell her again. To feel her in my arms again would be heaven on earth.
ET and I debate on what she would be for Halloween. I say a pea in the pod, a lady bug, or pumpkin, but he says a peanut! We talk about her alot and wonder what she would be doing. What her laugh would sound like and what would make her laugh. Since we expected her to be here with us it's hard to not think of those things. I had a bad day on Tuesday and my mom picked me up for work. I was talking about how I wanted Avery here and she kept saying that she is better off because she would have no quality at life but we were expecting a healthy baby. Not one that would have flat ribs, flat vertebra, extremely short limbs, a depressed nasal bridge, a bell shaped thorax, redundant skin folds bossed forehead, and femurs that looked like telephone receivers. I never imagined I would be holding our sweet baby girl as she took her last breath. I never imagine I would leave that hospital without her. I never imagined this would ever happen to us.
I am stuck and I need a change.
I took a new position back in July because they were changing the clinic I worked at and the new company didn't employ RN's. I took this position knowing that by the end of 2012 or sooner the software system I would support and educate on would be switched to another system, I took it in hopes that I would also be the clinical support for it. Well......the corporation I work for has an Information Systems team and a Clinical Informatics team.....the Clinical Informatics team will be educating on the software and the IS team already has a system support team at our corporate IS center.....soo.....that leaves me with no job. I was called for an interview with the CI team but I don't want to drive to Johnson City daily (an hour and a half drive) if my home hospital is not JMH. So, I applied with the software system I work PRN for. I flew out to Dallas on Wednesday and received a job offer the next day. The pay and benefits are way too phenomenal to pass up. The downside however is I will be traveling weekly, Monday through Thursday. I need something to keep my mind busy and I feel this job will. Eric and I have weighed the pro's and con's of the job and we think we can do it. I am just glad I don't have to move to Dallas, that place is flat! I def can't move away from the mountains!
I hate to leave JMH. I have formed a family there and it broke my heart when I gave my notice on Friday. I work with a great group of people and leaving them is going to be hard. We are extremly short staffed as it is and I feel terrible for leaving but I have to do that is best for me. Side note: Dog are amazing. I am getting emotional and guess who decides to hop on the couch and put her head on my arm....yep, Molly :)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Misery loves company
Dr. Misery,
You first made your appearance known to me on Monday, it is now Wednesday and I am tired of your company. I will ask that you kindly leave my home. Thanks, Becky.
I haven't cried this much or been this miserable in months. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Eric and I went to Rain, a local restaurant, for dinner tonight. We decided to run on down to Bristol while we were out and go to Best Buy and Target. I don't know what it is about Target but I always lose it in there. I walked by the toddler clothes and did okay, looked at some of the cute Halloween shirts.....then the baby clothes are next. I couldn't help but stop and touch a few of them. There was a stuffed elephant with it's trunk up so I had to play with it for a minute. What in the world was I thinking? There are a few ways I can navigate Target and avoid the baby items all together. I guess I like to punish myself.
I am sorry the past few blogs aren't up lifting as they usually are. I could make them that way but that's not whats on my heart and mind right now. All I know is that I never thought I would be going through anything like this, or even anything remotely close to it.
No one should see their infant take their last breath. No one should long to see their child again or touch them again. I want to smell her. I want to feel her warm chubby hand on my face as I feed her. I want to hear her squill with laughter. I want to hear her cry because she needs something. I want her. Point blank.
You first made your appearance known to me on Monday, it is now Wednesday and I am tired of your company. I will ask that you kindly leave my home. Thanks, Becky.
I haven't cried this much or been this miserable in months. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Eric and I went to Rain, a local restaurant, for dinner tonight. We decided to run on down to Bristol while we were out and go to Best Buy and Target. I don't know what it is about Target but I always lose it in there. I walked by the toddler clothes and did okay, looked at some of the cute Halloween shirts.....then the baby clothes are next. I couldn't help but stop and touch a few of them. There was a stuffed elephant with it's trunk up so I had to play with it for a minute. What in the world was I thinking? There are a few ways I can navigate Target and avoid the baby items all together. I guess I like to punish myself.
I am sorry the past few blogs aren't up lifting as they usually are. I could make them that way but that's not whats on my heart and mind right now. All I know is that I never thought I would be going through anything like this, or even anything remotely close to it.
No one should see their infant take their last breath. No one should long to see their child again or touch them again. I want to smell her. I want to feel her warm chubby hand on my face as I feed her. I want to hear her squill with laughter. I want to hear her cry because she needs something. I want her. Point blank.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Dogs
As many of you know Eric and I have two labrador retreivers we love to death. We have Brodie, our 5 year old boy who loves people and is extremly hyper. Then we have Molly, our 4 year old girl who is shy and laid back. Brodie is a very loving doggie, he loves to cuddle, play, and give lots of kisses. Molly loves to play and she likes to be loved on but only when she wants it.
Our dogs are not allowed on the couch. Yesterday Molly kept trying to climb on the couch and get to me. She made it once and plopped right down on me....very unsual for her. Told her to get off the couch and she did but tried to get back on again as soon as she got off. So I let her up on me and she just buried her head in my chest. After much thought about it she could sense I was about to have a break down. This am we got up early because we had someone coming by to fix a toliet so I laid back down on the couch. Again Molly makes her way on the couch. She settles in behind my knees. I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later because I am burning up. Molly had some how made her way up behind me and had one of her front legs around my neck :)
Now, Brodie is my boy. He follows me everywhere I go, even to the bathroom. He lays beside me in the bed and Molly usually hangs out at the foot of the bed. But today Molly has been my buddy. She is usually a loner and doesn't perfer ET or I, she likes Brodie much more than either of us. I went and got a Pedi and some new charms for my pandora bracelet as a pick me up and as soon as I got home she was trying to crawl up me.
It's amazing how a dog is more sensitive to feelings than humans are. She is letting me know that she knows I am hurting and that she loves me :) Yes, my dog loves me :)
Our dogs are not allowed on the couch. Yesterday Molly kept trying to climb on the couch and get to me. She made it once and plopped right down on me....very unsual for her. Told her to get off the couch and she did but tried to get back on again as soon as she got off. So I let her up on me and she just buried her head in my chest. After much thought about it she could sense I was about to have a break down. This am we got up early because we had someone coming by to fix a toliet so I laid back down on the couch. Again Molly makes her way on the couch. She settles in behind my knees. I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later because I am burning up. Molly had some how made her way up behind me and had one of her front legs around my neck :)
Now, Brodie is my boy. He follows me everywhere I go, even to the bathroom. He lays beside me in the bed and Molly usually hangs out at the foot of the bed. But today Molly has been my buddy. She is usually a loner and doesn't perfer ET or I, she likes Brodie much more than either of us. I went and got a Pedi and some new charms for my pandora bracelet as a pick me up and as soon as I got home she was trying to crawl up me.
It's amazing how a dog is more sensitive to feelings than humans are. She is letting me know that she knows I am hurting and that she loves me :) Yes, my dog loves me :)
Monday, September 5, 2011
struggling
I am sorry it's been such a long time since I have updated this. I started my new job back in July and have been busy with that. And honestly, I have sat down to write but I lose the words. It's as if they are all piled in my head then vanish when my fingers hit the keys.
I have been a whirl wind of emotions lately. Like today, Eric has friends over and we were watching TV and I get anxious all of a sudden. Then the urge to cry consumes me. I retreated to our room, where I am now, and curl up in a ball with one of her blankets and cry. I know one of the triggers is that we have been discussing the possibility of trying again. Sat night I went to Avery's room, grabbed some of her clothes out of the draws, clung to them with all my might, and said "I don't want another baby, I want you....."over and over. I honestly don't know how people pick up and move on. I have tired. I have tried hard. I dream about her nightly now. I don't see her, it's present day and she isn't here. I have to deal with that enough while I am awake, why do I have to be tormented in my sleep too when I do actually sleep?
I have gone through all the stages of grief and back again, guess I need to get my act together and finally pass!
I know God had a purpose in all this. But it's hard to understand if I even have any of it right in my head. I just have to give it up and stop trying to control everything like I usually do.
I just take comfort in knowing I will see her again. And when I do I will never have to say bye to her again.
I have been a whirl wind of emotions lately. Like today, Eric has friends over and we were watching TV and I get anxious all of a sudden. Then the urge to cry consumes me. I retreated to our room, where I am now, and curl up in a ball with one of her blankets and cry. I know one of the triggers is that we have been discussing the possibility of trying again. Sat night I went to Avery's room, grabbed some of her clothes out of the draws, clung to them with all my might, and said "I don't want another baby, I want you....."over and over. I honestly don't know how people pick up and move on. I have tired. I have tried hard. I dream about her nightly now. I don't see her, it's present day and she isn't here. I have to deal with that enough while I am awake, why do I have to be tormented in my sleep too when I do actually sleep?
I have gone through all the stages of grief and back again, guess I need to get my act together and finally pass!
I know God had a purpose in all this. But it's hard to understand if I even have any of it right in my head. I just have to give it up and stop trying to control everything like I usually do.
I just take comfort in knowing I will see her again. And when I do I will never have to say bye to her again.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Happy 4 Month Angel Day Avery!
Avery was welcomed into the Lords Kingdom 4 months ago today. I can't believe it's been 4 months. It seems like it was just yesterday when I found out we were expecting her. All I could think about this morning is when we said our good bye's to her. I still can't believe I was able to walk away from her that day. I feel like a horrible mother because I walked away from her. I wish we would have stayed longer but we knew the longer we stayed the worse it would get. She had already left this earth but her body was just so precious to us. It's still hard to fathom what happened. I talk about her all the time, I love telling new people about her, and what a great work she did for Jesus. So, she is alive in my heart but I would give my life to have her here.
I would have gladly taken her pain so she wouldn't have had to endure any of it. Avery basically smothered to death and I would have traded places with her if I was given the option to.
I would have done it so I could watch Eric be a wonderful father.
I would have done it because that is what any mother would have done.
I am not saying I wish I was dead so please don't take it that way, I am just saying I would have taken her suffering from her if I could have.
At times it feels as if we are standing still. That everything and everyone around us goes on and we are stuck. I feel like we are in a rut. We used to talk to her nightly and we don't do that anymore. I still write her letters but not as frequently. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over to her. I am sure she doesn't mind thought :)
In my last blog I talked about the job hunt not going so well. Well, on Thursday I received 2 job offers within 5 minutes. I was offered the IT job I wanted and I was offered a job to work at the First Assist that my current clinic is turning into. Apparently they got the impression I am good at what I do so the practice manager and the lead physician put their heads together to come up with an idea to keep me and they wrapped two positions into one and offered it to me. All I can say is wow! I guess my hard work has paid off! I am blessed to have these two jobs offered to me but now I have to make a choice. I hate making choices!
I would have gladly taken her pain so she wouldn't have had to endure any of it. Avery basically smothered to death and I would have traded places with her if I was given the option to.
I would have done it so I could watch Eric be a wonderful father.
I would have done it because that is what any mother would have done.
I am not saying I wish I was dead so please don't take it that way, I am just saying I would have taken her suffering from her if I could have.
At times it feels as if we are standing still. That everything and everyone around us goes on and we are stuck. I feel like we are in a rut. We used to talk to her nightly and we don't do that anymore. I still write her letters but not as frequently. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over to her. I am sure she doesn't mind thought :)
In my last blog I talked about the job hunt not going so well. Well, on Thursday I received 2 job offers within 5 minutes. I was offered the IT job I wanted and I was offered a job to work at the First Assist that my current clinic is turning into. Apparently they got the impression I am good at what I do so the practice manager and the lead physician put their heads together to come up with an idea to keep me and they wrapped two positions into one and offered it to me. All I can say is wow! I guess my hard work has paid off! I am blessed to have these two jobs offered to me but now I have to make a choice. I hate making choices!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
longing
Avery would have been 4 months old tomorrow. I have a swing that should have my sweet Avery girl in it right now with Brodie and Molly laying at her feet. I have a dresser full of the cutest baby girl clothes that Avery should be wearing or grew out of by now. I have a cabinet full of pacifiers and bottles. I have a room painted light purple with all the makings of little girl fun. And what do I have now? Empty arms.
The past few days have been rough. I find myself wondering what she would look like, what kind of sounds would she be making, what would get her attention, and who's attitude she would have. I burst into tears when I got in the car after work today. My heart couldn't take it and I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. It's hard for me to concentrate at work when my mind is on her. I think one reason why I am thinking of her so much is that I had my IUD removed due to complications and we wanted to start trying right away to have another child but I don't want another one....I want HER. I shouldn't say I don't want another one, because I do but I want her more than anything right now. However.....we are going to use oral contraceptives till September and the let the Lord take over.
Today we were running late for work and we talked about how much later we would be running if we had Avery to get ready and take to my moms. We laughed at the thoughts of her having one of those poops where it runs up their backs and it never seems to stop. How I long for sleepless nights of changing a dirty diaper and feedings. I hate hearing people fuss about not getting sleep because they were up with their child....seriously? I would give anything for that. Since I was little there was nothing I wanted to be more than a mother. Well, there was a stint when I wanted to be a witch....but anyway :) It's been a longing in my heart for a long time. During mine and Eric's hard times I didn't want children. I thought that bringing a child into our world would not be fair to them. After many years of trying to conceive we gave up. I thought a child would make things worse, but getting pregnant with Avery was the best thing for us. We finally had someone to concentrate on other than ourselves.
Still no luck with finding a job. I have interviewed for one I really want but haven't heard a yes or no on it..........I am really hoping that job works out. I will still be at the same hospital and that is one of my main goals. I don't want to lose any of my years of service, pto, and I don't want to have to learn a new set of people. I hate change and if I can minimize the change I will try my best to. I am just so confused about all of it. I really didn't need this to happen but it is what it is.......I just don't know if I can handle much more.
Eric got me an iPad for my birthday! It's pretty cool.
Sorry this post is random....I just can't quite gather my thoughts tonight.
The past few days have been rough. I find myself wondering what she would look like, what kind of sounds would she be making, what would get her attention, and who's attitude she would have. I burst into tears when I got in the car after work today. My heart couldn't take it and I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. It's hard for me to concentrate at work when my mind is on her. I think one reason why I am thinking of her so much is that I had my IUD removed due to complications and we wanted to start trying right away to have another child but I don't want another one....I want HER. I shouldn't say I don't want another one, because I do but I want her more than anything right now. However.....we are going to use oral contraceptives till September and the let the Lord take over.
Today we were running late for work and we talked about how much later we would be running if we had Avery to get ready and take to my moms. We laughed at the thoughts of her having one of those poops where it runs up their backs and it never seems to stop. How I long for sleepless nights of changing a dirty diaper and feedings. I hate hearing people fuss about not getting sleep because they were up with their child....seriously? I would give anything for that. Since I was little there was nothing I wanted to be more than a mother. Well, there was a stint when I wanted to be a witch....but anyway :) It's been a longing in my heart for a long time. During mine and Eric's hard times I didn't want children. I thought that bringing a child into our world would not be fair to them. After many years of trying to conceive we gave up. I thought a child would make things worse, but getting pregnant with Avery was the best thing for us. We finally had someone to concentrate on other than ourselves.
Still no luck with finding a job. I have interviewed for one I really want but haven't heard a yes or no on it..........I am really hoping that job works out. I will still be at the same hospital and that is one of my main goals. I don't want to lose any of my years of service, pto, and I don't want to have to learn a new set of people. I hate change and if I can minimize the change I will try my best to. I am just so confused about all of it. I really didn't need this to happen but it is what it is.......I just don't know if I can handle much more.
Eric got me an iPad for my birthday! It's pretty cool.
Sorry this post is random....I just can't quite gather my thoughts tonight.
Monday, May 30, 2011
living again
I woke up this morning and set a goal for myself....to start living again. I can't hide in my corner anymore. I can not remain stagnate.
Sunday in church Pastor Beck preached on Matthew 24. This is where God gives us signs of the end times. He wasn't preaching on this because of the whole May 21st thing, we have been reading through the book of Matthew for quite some time now and that is just where we happened to be. I do not know when the Lord will come but I can tell you that I want to be ready with each breath I take. At the end of service there are always deacons standing at each exit, one took ET's hand, and said, you will get to see that little one again soon. It's amazing how God works. I cried all through service because the worship team sang Glorious Day....my fav song of all time and cried tears of joy knowing I will see her again and then that man said that to ET.
On Saturday I went to Plum Alley Day with Andi and her daughter Aubrie who will be turning 4 next month. I was sitting there watching all the mothers with their babies and was starting to get anxious when out of the but Aubrie looks me dead in the face and says, "where's your baby?". It's been almost 4 months since Avery passed and it's the first time she has said anything about her. I said, "she's in heaven with Jesus". God knew I needed a distraction and to talk about her. Yesterday Eric said he was missing her a few times during the day and then he watched his nephew Chase while his parents went to a funeral. They were playing leggo's and he asked ET out of the blue if he cried when Avery passed away, he of course said yes, and Chase said his brother Dylan did too. Eric said Chase sat there for a few minutes and said, "well, don't worry, you will see her again". He is 6. How sweet!!! It is these times that make up for the bad ones. For instance...I have had one guy in the IT department at work ask me TWICE how my baby is doing......really...you honestly don't remember the first time you asked and I cried like a loon and told you she passed away......people kill me sometimes.
I get my IUD removed in 7 days and I can not wait! My body just doesn't like it and I can't wait to make another baby! I hope the Lord blesses us with another one soon. And I hope it's another beautiful girl. I want a house full of mean rotten girls :) Of course they will all have their daddy wrapped around their finger! Avery had him wrapped around her finger the first time he heard her heart beat! When we talk about names nothing ever seems right....I just love the name Avery and nothing seems to equal it. But we are jumping the gun on the names thing....we tired for 2 years before Avery was conceived but the Lords timing with her was perfect. He sent her to save my life but most importantly my marriage.
God is soo good and wonderful. When I sit back and think of how He made the earth, created man, healed the sick, raised the dead, and that He created me, it truly amazes me and I wonder how people can not believe in Him. I've been asked many times if I am angry at God over Avery's passing. How could I be? He blessed us with that tub of love for 39 weeks in my womb, and 3 days on this earth. He created her for a purpose. She had more of an impact on this earth in 3 days than either Eric or I have in almost 29 years. Yes, I am hurt she isn't here but I will see her again and when I do lay eyes on her again, it will be for eternity. I will never have to say bye to her again. What a Glorious Day that will be!
Sunday in church Pastor Beck preached on Matthew 24. This is where God gives us signs of the end times. He wasn't preaching on this because of the whole May 21st thing, we have been reading through the book of Matthew for quite some time now and that is just where we happened to be. I do not know when the Lord will come but I can tell you that I want to be ready with each breath I take. At the end of service there are always deacons standing at each exit, one took ET's hand, and said, you will get to see that little one again soon. It's amazing how God works. I cried all through service because the worship team sang Glorious Day....my fav song of all time and cried tears of joy knowing I will see her again and then that man said that to ET.
On Saturday I went to Plum Alley Day with Andi and her daughter Aubrie who will be turning 4 next month. I was sitting there watching all the mothers with their babies and was starting to get anxious when out of the but Aubrie looks me dead in the face and says, "where's your baby?". It's been almost 4 months since Avery passed and it's the first time she has said anything about her. I said, "she's in heaven with Jesus". God knew I needed a distraction and to talk about her. Yesterday Eric said he was missing her a few times during the day and then he watched his nephew Chase while his parents went to a funeral. They were playing leggo's and he asked ET out of the blue if he cried when Avery passed away, he of course said yes, and Chase said his brother Dylan did too. Eric said Chase sat there for a few minutes and said, "well, don't worry, you will see her again". He is 6. How sweet!!! It is these times that make up for the bad ones. For instance...I have had one guy in the IT department at work ask me TWICE how my baby is doing......really...you honestly don't remember the first time you asked and I cried like a loon and told you she passed away......people kill me sometimes.
I get my IUD removed in 7 days and I can not wait! My body just doesn't like it and I can't wait to make another baby! I hope the Lord blesses us with another one soon. And I hope it's another beautiful girl. I want a house full of mean rotten girls :) Of course they will all have their daddy wrapped around their finger! Avery had him wrapped around her finger the first time he heard her heart beat! When we talk about names nothing ever seems right....I just love the name Avery and nothing seems to equal it. But we are jumping the gun on the names thing....we tired for 2 years before Avery was conceived but the Lords timing with her was perfect. He sent her to save my life but most importantly my marriage.
God is soo good and wonderful. When I sit back and think of how He made the earth, created man, healed the sick, raised the dead, and that He created me, it truly amazes me and I wonder how people can not believe in Him. I've been asked many times if I am angry at God over Avery's passing. How could I be? He blessed us with that tub of love for 39 weeks in my womb, and 3 days on this earth. He created her for a purpose. She had more of an impact on this earth in 3 days than either Eric or I have in almost 29 years. Yes, I am hurt she isn't here but I will see her again and when I do lay eyes on her again, it will be for eternity. I will never have to say bye to her again. What a Glorious Day that will be!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
post vacation
The beach was fantastic! Going right before peak season is the best time to go. A physician that works in my clinic owns a condo in Santa Rosa Beach, Fl, which is 12 miles east of Destin, and after Avery passed I knew we needed a get away and I asked if we could use it, to which he said "it's yours" before I could get the question out.
While reading a book about grieving I found a statistic that floored me but now that we are further into the grieving process than when I read it the statistic makes sense. 60% of couples who endure an infant loss will be divorced within 2 years. The second I read that I told Eric and we promised each other that we would not be a couple who becomes part of that statistic. And getting away was an idea we had to help us grow closer.
The trip is 11 hours one way. We had a great time along the way. We stopped and ate at one of our fav southwestern grills. Had crazy conversations to keep each other awake. I had some GI issues after eating at said fav southestern grill during a dead spot in Alabama.....that was an adventure! We finally arrived a little after midnight, took our stuff in, and then headed to the beach. I love the smell of the ocean at night. We were wired by the time we got there so we watched a few episodes of criminal minds......which is never a good idea that late at night in an unfamiliar place :) We were in a different time zone so I woke up really early the next day. I went there last year with some friends so I knew my way around and went to Wal-Mart for some food before 8am! When I got back I woke ET up and we headed for the beach. It was our 6 year wedding anniversary and the day that some "Christians" believed would be the day the Lord was coming for His children. We basked in the sun and thanked the Lord for his beautiful creation. There is something about being at the beach.........it feel more closer to Him, physically and emotionally. To know He made such a wonder just by speaking it puts me in awe. We talked alot about the Rapture. We are good at keeping each other accountable, making sure our hearts are ready for the Lord to come at any second so that we can join Avery in Heaven when our physical time clock runs out. We talked about how cute Avery would be, a big ball of love in a tiny baby bikini, and how spoiled she would be :) It was a bit hard seeing other infants and seeing my fav childrens clothing stores when we went shopping. We saw a build-a-bear workshop and wondered what Avery would pick out for herself. We did think to have something made for her to put by her urn but decided not to for some reason.
When we would see families out with their small children I would feel a tug at my heart. Thinking that should be us. Longing for what they had....which I know is wrong. The Lord will bless us with another child when the time is ready, which I pray is sooner than later.
The good days are starting to out weigh the bad. But that doesn't mean I miss her any less. I miss her more with each beat of my heart. I can smile at her pictures now. I used to just break down and cry when I would look at them but they bring me joy now. When I look at the one of me kissing her I can feel it as if it was that day again. It makes me want to go back to that day and smother her with more kisses and hugs.
Today we were watching something and a baby on the show was crying. Eric said he wasn't looking forward to all the crying of a baby but he can't wait for it now :) I always knew he would be a good daddy but not this good :)
While reading a book about grieving I found a statistic that floored me but now that we are further into the grieving process than when I read it the statistic makes sense. 60% of couples who endure an infant loss will be divorced within 2 years. The second I read that I told Eric and we promised each other that we would not be a couple who becomes part of that statistic. And getting away was an idea we had to help us grow closer.
The trip is 11 hours one way. We had a great time along the way. We stopped and ate at one of our fav southwestern grills. Had crazy conversations to keep each other awake. I had some GI issues after eating at said fav southestern grill during a dead spot in Alabama.....that was an adventure! We finally arrived a little after midnight, took our stuff in, and then headed to the beach. I love the smell of the ocean at night. We were wired by the time we got there so we watched a few episodes of criminal minds......which is never a good idea that late at night in an unfamiliar place :) We were in a different time zone so I woke up really early the next day. I went there last year with some friends so I knew my way around and went to Wal-Mart for some food before 8am! When I got back I woke ET up and we headed for the beach. It was our 6 year wedding anniversary and the day that some "Christians" believed would be the day the Lord was coming for His children. We basked in the sun and thanked the Lord for his beautiful creation. There is something about being at the beach.........it feel more closer to Him, physically and emotionally. To know He made such a wonder just by speaking it puts me in awe. We talked alot about the Rapture. We are good at keeping each other accountable, making sure our hearts are ready for the Lord to come at any second so that we can join Avery in Heaven when our physical time clock runs out. We talked about how cute Avery would be, a big ball of love in a tiny baby bikini, and how spoiled she would be :) It was a bit hard seeing other infants and seeing my fav childrens clothing stores when we went shopping. We saw a build-a-bear workshop and wondered what Avery would pick out for herself. We did think to have something made for her to put by her urn but decided not to for some reason.
When we would see families out with their small children I would feel a tug at my heart. Thinking that should be us. Longing for what they had....which I know is wrong. The Lord will bless us with another child when the time is ready, which I pray is sooner than later.
The good days are starting to out weigh the bad. But that doesn't mean I miss her any less. I miss her more with each beat of my heart. I can smile at her pictures now. I used to just break down and cry when I would look at them but they bring me joy now. When I look at the one of me kissing her I can feel it as if it was that day again. It makes me want to go back to that day and smother her with more kisses and hugs.
Today we were watching something and a baby on the show was crying. Eric said he wasn't looking forward to all the crying of a baby but he can't wait for it now :) I always knew he would be a good daddy but not this good :)
What a nice surprise to cone home to!
Through my friend Kim, who also had a daughter with TD, I found this blog where you can put your decest childs name on a waiting list and have their name written in the sand! They only open their request page at certain times and you have to catch it at the right moment and I did a few days before we left for our vacation. I didn't check the waiting list because I thought it would be a week or so before she made it there but I checked it today and her name wasn't there. So, I thought I messed it up and my request didn't go through but I started to scroll through the names for May and there it was! It was done on the day we left for our beach vacation :) I can't wait to get the prints and hang one in the house and in my office!
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/05/avery-grace-coley.html
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/05/avery-grace-coley.html
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
crazy life
Avery's marker has been laid! It's sooo pretty! We got our bill in the mail on Saturday which included a picture of the marker! On Sunday after church Eric and I went in search of it. We couldn't find it. We left our map of the cemetery at home but thought if we looked for fresh dirt we could find it. We drove around that place 10 times and gave up. Our parents came over later in the evening and we went in search of it. We found it right off the bat :) Well, Eric did :) My dad brought a ceramic duck with blue flowers in it. I am glad he thought of it because we didn't. Even though we had her cremated it was important to our families to have a "memorial site". I guess it's just a cultural thing for them.
Eric and I are going on an anniversary/vacation trip on Friday. We are leaving for Destin, FL at noon! I am soooo excited! We haven't taken a solo trip in a very long time. Saturday is our 6 year wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have been married that long! I am glad to get away and celebrate. Last year we weren't on the best terms and didn't do anything so I am thankful we are doing well and are able to go away and enjoy each others company. I am sad to leave Brodie and Molly behind and I would take them with me if I could but a 10 hour drive would be misery for them.
There are lots of things going on for me now. I am having complications from my IUD and will be having it removed in June. I won't go on any other form of birth control. I know the Lord will bless us with another child when the time is right. I am also job hunting :( The hospital system I work for also has a medical office system under them that has Urgent Care Centers within it so they will be handing us over to them. They don't hire RN's to do the patient care and there is already someone who does my job. I am broken hearted over this. The people I work with are family. We have formed our own family there. We have all been there since it opened except two people.....3.5 years later. They will help us find other jobs within our hospital system but I am spoiled to my M-F, no weekends schedule. But God will lead me where I am to go. I am super nervous because I've never not received a job offer after an interview....I am scared of rejection.
I miss her. We talk often about how much we miss her even though she was only here for 3 days, actually 39 weeks and 3 days. I count from the time she was conceived. We still have our good days and bad days. The good are starting to out weigh the bad. But there isn't a moment that passes that I don't miss her. I was at the mall with a friend last week and we went into Crazy 8, a new children's clothing store that Gymboree opened, and they had the sweetest bathing suits! There was a two piece neon green one that I could just picture Avery in! All head and belly :) I can see her on the beach with us in that suit, white rimmed sunglasses, and a hat to protect her sweet baby skin. I told Eric about it and he said she would have to have a 3 month extra large because she was so big around :) The other night I held up her "coming home outfit" and we laughed at how it would have never fit her, it was way too small! I went through some of her clothes Monday night and just pictured her in them. Her dark hair would have been so pretty with all the purple and pink clothes she had. You can tell I am a hippie at heart with the clothes I picked out for her!
I still haven't put her baby items up. I just can't do it. Her swing is still in her play area, her pack and play is still up in our bedroom, and her room is exactly the same as when we left the morning I had her. Time goes on and it feels as if I am standing still. I want her here. I want to play with her hair and take in her scent. I've learned through this that grief is very individual and no book on grief will make you feel better. They are good at explaining the emotions with each stage and explaining that it is different for every one.
Maybe one day I will write a book about our journey through hearing bad news about our baby girl, believing without ceasing for a total physical healing, experiencing the death of our baby girl, and life afterwards. I will have to have a ghost writer of course.........I should have paid attention in english class!
Eric and I are going on an anniversary/vacation trip on Friday. We are leaving for Destin, FL at noon! I am soooo excited! We haven't taken a solo trip in a very long time. Saturday is our 6 year wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have been married that long! I am glad to get away and celebrate. Last year we weren't on the best terms and didn't do anything so I am thankful we are doing well and are able to go away and enjoy each others company. I am sad to leave Brodie and Molly behind and I would take them with me if I could but a 10 hour drive would be misery for them.
There are lots of things going on for me now. I am having complications from my IUD and will be having it removed in June. I won't go on any other form of birth control. I know the Lord will bless us with another child when the time is right. I am also job hunting :( The hospital system I work for also has a medical office system under them that has Urgent Care Centers within it so they will be handing us over to them. They don't hire RN's to do the patient care and there is already someone who does my job. I am broken hearted over this. The people I work with are family. We have formed our own family there. We have all been there since it opened except two people.....3.5 years later. They will help us find other jobs within our hospital system but I am spoiled to my M-F, no weekends schedule. But God will lead me where I am to go. I am super nervous because I've never not received a job offer after an interview....I am scared of rejection.
I miss her. We talk often about how much we miss her even though she was only here for 3 days, actually 39 weeks and 3 days. I count from the time she was conceived. We still have our good days and bad days. The good are starting to out weigh the bad. But there isn't a moment that passes that I don't miss her. I was at the mall with a friend last week and we went into Crazy 8, a new children's clothing store that Gymboree opened, and they had the sweetest bathing suits! There was a two piece neon green one that I could just picture Avery in! All head and belly :) I can see her on the beach with us in that suit, white rimmed sunglasses, and a hat to protect her sweet baby skin. I told Eric about it and he said she would have to have a 3 month extra large because she was so big around :) The other night I held up her "coming home outfit" and we laughed at how it would have never fit her, it was way too small! I went through some of her clothes Monday night and just pictured her in them. Her dark hair would have been so pretty with all the purple and pink clothes she had. You can tell I am a hippie at heart with the clothes I picked out for her!
I still haven't put her baby items up. I just can't do it. Her swing is still in her play area, her pack and play is still up in our bedroom, and her room is exactly the same as when we left the morning I had her. Time goes on and it feels as if I am standing still. I want her here. I want to play with her hair and take in her scent. I've learned through this that grief is very individual and no book on grief will make you feel better. They are good at explaining the emotions with each stage and explaining that it is different for every one.
Maybe one day I will write a book about our journey through hearing bad news about our baby girl, believing without ceasing for a total physical healing, experiencing the death of our baby girl, and life afterwards. I will have to have a ghost writer of course.........I should have paid attention in english class!
Monday, May 9, 2011
mothers day and 3 months
Yesterday was a very emotional day for us.
Saturday night Eric told me I needed to go to bed and give him some time to get my mother's day gift from Avery ready.
I woke Sunday morning with a note in the shape of a heart beside my cell phone from Avery! I went to the bathroom and there was a note on the mirror that said, I love you because you are beautiful like me....Eric said I had notes all over the kitchen and living room. There were ten total, all of which had a special saying, each one strategically placed. The one of walking by faith was under a shoe, the one of taking care of her daddy was under our wedding photo, the one of being a christian woman was on my bible, the one of loving her was under a willow tree figurine of a mother holding her baby close......I cried and cried. I never thought Eric had something so loving in him.
I gave birth to that baby girl 3 months ago today.
3 months ago today I laid eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world.
3 months ago today we had the biggest scare of our lives when Avery did not come out crying and she had to be resuscitated.
3 months ago today my heart melted and I never felt as much love as I did when I laid eyes on Avery for the first time.
3 months ago today my heart was crush and ripped from my chest when Avery was on the brink of death.
3 months ago today thousands joined us in prayer.
3 months ago God used Avery to knock on the hearts of many who did not know Him.
I sincerely do not believe anyone when they say time heals. Each day is more crippling for me. I miss her more than words can describe. Just when I think the pain can't get any worse it does. When that pain consumes me all breath leaves my body, I feel an ache in my chest, and my arms go numb. I find myself asking why now more than ever. Why MY baby girl. Why did MY baby girl have to suffer. Why did WE have to watch our baby girl take her last breath. We are good people. We believe in You, Lord. We begged and pleaded with You. Before Avery was born, I had many visions.....her being born with a healthy body was my fav., but the one right before her birth was me seeing her for the first time in the NICU, on the ventilator, and me sitting in a wheelchair. I feel like I "willed" what happened to her because I saw that, because I allowed myself to see that. The morning we were driving to the hospital to have her I had a feeling we would never leave with her. Call it mothers intuition or knowledge from God.....but I feel as if I did something to cause this. I know this isn't true, our God is not a vengeful God. It's just the human in me. At times I want to crawl in a hole and cry myself to sleep. When I sleep I can't feel the pain, I don't miss her when I am asleep. I can't see the pain in Eric's eyes when we sleep.
Now one to something not so deep. At my last GYN appointment she said we could start trying again in 9 months from the day we had Avery. I am super excited about this! We may wait a few months longer just so I won't be huge during the summer. I would love to have a baby in October, then we could have Halloween themed birthday parties!
Saturday night Eric told me I needed to go to bed and give him some time to get my mother's day gift from Avery ready.
I woke Sunday morning with a note in the shape of a heart beside my cell phone from Avery! I went to the bathroom and there was a note on the mirror that said, I love you because you are beautiful like me....Eric said I had notes all over the kitchen and living room. There were ten total, all of which had a special saying, each one strategically placed. The one of walking by faith was under a shoe, the one of taking care of her daddy was under our wedding photo, the one of being a christian woman was on my bible, the one of loving her was under a willow tree figurine of a mother holding her baby close......I cried and cried. I never thought Eric had something so loving in him.
I gave birth to that baby girl 3 months ago today.
3 months ago today I laid eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world.
3 months ago today we had the biggest scare of our lives when Avery did not come out crying and she had to be resuscitated.
3 months ago today my heart melted and I never felt as much love as I did when I laid eyes on Avery for the first time.
3 months ago today my heart was crush and ripped from my chest when Avery was on the brink of death.
3 months ago today thousands joined us in prayer.
3 months ago God used Avery to knock on the hearts of many who did not know Him.
I sincerely do not believe anyone when they say time heals. Each day is more crippling for me. I miss her more than words can describe. Just when I think the pain can't get any worse it does. When that pain consumes me all breath leaves my body, I feel an ache in my chest, and my arms go numb. I find myself asking why now more than ever. Why MY baby girl. Why did MY baby girl have to suffer. Why did WE have to watch our baby girl take her last breath. We are good people. We believe in You, Lord. We begged and pleaded with You. Before Avery was born, I had many visions.....her being born with a healthy body was my fav., but the one right before her birth was me seeing her for the first time in the NICU, on the ventilator, and me sitting in a wheelchair. I feel like I "willed" what happened to her because I saw that, because I allowed myself to see that. The morning we were driving to the hospital to have her I had a feeling we would never leave with her. Call it mothers intuition or knowledge from God.....but I feel as if I did something to cause this. I know this isn't true, our God is not a vengeful God. It's just the human in me. At times I want to crawl in a hole and cry myself to sleep. When I sleep I can't feel the pain, I don't miss her when I am asleep. I can't see the pain in Eric's eyes when we sleep.
Now one to something not so deep. At my last GYN appointment she said we could start trying again in 9 months from the day we had Avery. I am super excited about this! We may wait a few months longer just so I won't be huge during the summer. I would love to have a baby in October, then we could have Halloween themed birthday parties!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
easter
All Easter morning I wept and wept. I kept thinking that Avery should be here and that I should be busy getting her all dolled up for church. I saw a dress at Carter's that I knew she would be adorable in! I can still envision her in it with a bow in her hair :)
I wept all during service too. Because I missed her and because that I knew I would see her again, and that brought unspeakable joy to my heart.
Eric was having a bad day yesterday. He said all he could think about is what Avery would look like now. We talk alot about what we think she will look like in heaven but not here. I can't stand it when he has a bad day. There is something about grown men crying that rips me into pieces. When he and my dad cry it's all over. I cry all the time so it doesn't affect him the way him crying does me. I can remember being on the OR table and Avery not crying as she came out. I said "She's not crying ET"........he reassured me Avery would be fine, then we heard them say start CPR. Tears began streaming down his face. I can close my eyes and see it all over again, The nights of crying in pain over Avery. He had a bad night that Thursday and I had a bad night that Friday. I didn't cry hysterically, I just wept all night. I had a feeling that it was our last day with Avery. I did cry hysterically when the decision was made. It's almost been 3 months since her birth but it feels like yesterday.
I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her move. I truly loved being pregnant. I didn't mind the aches and pains, the "normal" signs and symptoms of pregnancy. I treasure the stretch marks I have. They are a permanent mark on my body as a reminder of my sweet baby girl. The right side of my stomach pouches out farther then the left, it's where she kept her head. I miss her having hiccups and my entire belly jumping as she had them. I'd carry her for a lifetime, she was safe there. She's in a much better place now but I am just saying if that is how I could keep her here physically then I would do it.
I was sooo scared about being a mom. That was my biggest fear. How silly. Being a nurse I knew there could be potential problems but her passing never crossed my mind. Yes, she would be small, yes, her legs may be bowed and she would need surgery to fix them, yes, she could have hydrocephalus and have headaches as she grew older. These were things we could do something about. But her passing away....we couldn't do anything about that. Her purpose was served.
I have recently came into contact with a family who is involved with March of Dimes. They had a daughter born 4 months early and was released from the NICU the day of Avery's birth. The father is going to include Avery in his speech at the walk on Saturday. I ask you pray for this baby girl and her parents. Her name is Gracie. Thanks!
Thanks to those of you who read and offer your support to us. We couldn't do it without you!
I wept all during service too. Because I missed her and because that I knew I would see her again, and that brought unspeakable joy to my heart.
Eric was having a bad day yesterday. He said all he could think about is what Avery would look like now. We talk alot about what we think she will look like in heaven but not here. I can't stand it when he has a bad day. There is something about grown men crying that rips me into pieces. When he and my dad cry it's all over. I cry all the time so it doesn't affect him the way him crying does me. I can remember being on the OR table and Avery not crying as she came out. I said "She's not crying ET"........he reassured me Avery would be fine, then we heard them say start CPR. Tears began streaming down his face. I can close my eyes and see it all over again, The nights of crying in pain over Avery. He had a bad night that Thursday and I had a bad night that Friday. I didn't cry hysterically, I just wept all night. I had a feeling that it was our last day with Avery. I did cry hysterically when the decision was made. It's almost been 3 months since her birth but it feels like yesterday.
I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her move. I truly loved being pregnant. I didn't mind the aches and pains, the "normal" signs and symptoms of pregnancy. I treasure the stretch marks I have. They are a permanent mark on my body as a reminder of my sweet baby girl. The right side of my stomach pouches out farther then the left, it's where she kept her head. I miss her having hiccups and my entire belly jumping as she had them. I'd carry her for a lifetime, she was safe there. She's in a much better place now but I am just saying if that is how I could keep her here physically then I would do it.
I was sooo scared about being a mom. That was my biggest fear. How silly. Being a nurse I knew there could be potential problems but her passing never crossed my mind. Yes, she would be small, yes, her legs may be bowed and she would need surgery to fix them, yes, she could have hydrocephalus and have headaches as she grew older. These were things we could do something about. But her passing away....we couldn't do anything about that. Her purpose was served.
I have recently came into contact with a family who is involved with March of Dimes. They had a daughter born 4 months early and was released from the NICU the day of Avery's birth. The father is going to include Avery in his speech at the walk on Saturday. I ask you pray for this baby girl and her parents. Her name is Gracie. Thanks!
Thanks to those of you who read and offer your support to us. We couldn't do it without you!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Random thoughts.
This one is going to be for me. I need to write (type) some things down so when my memory slips I will have a way to recall how I was feeling during this time or what was going on.
We are working on our landscaping at the house....it's about time, lol! We will have been here three summers this summer! I have asked my father-in-law to help me start a flower bed in memory of Avery. We have the perfect spot for one and have talked about doing it for years but haven't done it. It's in front of our dining room window, it's not level so we will have to build it up but I think it's the perfect spot for it! I want to fill it up with beautiful purple flowers!
The land between ours and my brother-in-laws slopes along the drive way and I want to plant the flowers that look like they creep along everything! I don't know what they are called but most of them are purple and pink :) I think it's cool how we liked the color purple for Avery and it's a Royal color. Many people in heaven have sashes the color of purple (I know this from the book Heaven is for Real). The little boy that's story is told in that book mentioned the purple sashes :)
Speaking of that book, it gave me great peace of Avery's appearance in Heaven. I know she has wings, wears a robe of white, and could be any age when we get there. I hope she's around 3, has long dark brown hair, and her daddy's attitude :) How I can't wait to see her again. Just typing this makes me weep, my arms get numb, and I feel that ache in my heart. Sometimes the weeping is of anticipation and others it's of sorrow. I know I shouldn't want her here on this earth but I want her soo badly! I always worried about her being picked on when she arrived as a "small person", I knew she would get picked on regardless but I worried that it would be more than usual. But I don't have to worry about that! There is no such thing in Heaven :)
I've been back at work for 2 weeks now and getting caught up and back in the swing of things. I still wish I could not have returned but people there depend on me and life goes on. I know I have said "life goes on" alot but I have to tell myself that over and over. I have to remind myself that Avery can see me and I know she doesn't want to see me waste my life. I want her to be proud of me! I want her to grab her angel friends and say, "look! there's MY mommy, she's a great nurse!"
I had never thought of going into ministry or thought that's what God wanted me to do until after Avery's life came and went. As many people that she brought together in prayer and changed lives by word of mouth about her I could only imagine how many people could be brought to Christ if we went around the country telling people her story, about our faith of a complete healing of her body, and NOT being defeated when we didn't get the miracle we prayed for. God performed many miracles through her! I am sooo thankful that our parents raised us in the church and instilled God's word in our hearts.
I am sooooo glad one of those miracles was to bring ET and I closer together. At the time we were going through a very rough patch and God knew we needed her to bring us back to where we needed to be in our marriage. He knew we needed to hear not good news about our baby girl to draw us closer to Him. Avery's conception was done with purpose. We prayed Psalm 139 over her nightly. He wove her together in the dark of my womb. He knew we needed her. He knew the world needed her. There are no mistakes when babies are conceived. Each one is a gift from God. We might not understand the circumstances or why their lives may end before birth or shortly after, but they had a purpose and their purpose was full filled.
Wow, I got a bit preachy there!
We are working on our landscaping at the house....it's about time, lol! We will have been here three summers this summer! I have asked my father-in-law to help me start a flower bed in memory of Avery. We have the perfect spot for one and have talked about doing it for years but haven't done it. It's in front of our dining room window, it's not level so we will have to build it up but I think it's the perfect spot for it! I want to fill it up with beautiful purple flowers!
The land between ours and my brother-in-laws slopes along the drive way and I want to plant the flowers that look like they creep along everything! I don't know what they are called but most of them are purple and pink :) I think it's cool how we liked the color purple for Avery and it's a Royal color. Many people in heaven have sashes the color of purple (I know this from the book Heaven is for Real). The little boy that's story is told in that book mentioned the purple sashes :)
Speaking of that book, it gave me great peace of Avery's appearance in Heaven. I know she has wings, wears a robe of white, and could be any age when we get there. I hope she's around 3, has long dark brown hair, and her daddy's attitude :) How I can't wait to see her again. Just typing this makes me weep, my arms get numb, and I feel that ache in my heart. Sometimes the weeping is of anticipation and others it's of sorrow. I know I shouldn't want her here on this earth but I want her soo badly! I always worried about her being picked on when she arrived as a "small person", I knew she would get picked on regardless but I worried that it would be more than usual. But I don't have to worry about that! There is no such thing in Heaven :)
I've been back at work for 2 weeks now and getting caught up and back in the swing of things. I still wish I could not have returned but people there depend on me and life goes on. I know I have said "life goes on" alot but I have to tell myself that over and over. I have to remind myself that Avery can see me and I know she doesn't want to see me waste my life. I want her to be proud of me! I want her to grab her angel friends and say, "look! there's MY mommy, she's a great nurse!"
I had never thought of going into ministry or thought that's what God wanted me to do until after Avery's life came and went. As many people that she brought together in prayer and changed lives by word of mouth about her I could only imagine how many people could be brought to Christ if we went around the country telling people her story, about our faith of a complete healing of her body, and NOT being defeated when we didn't get the miracle we prayed for. God performed many miracles through her! I am sooo thankful that our parents raised us in the church and instilled God's word in our hearts.
I am sooooo glad one of those miracles was to bring ET and I closer together. At the time we were going through a very rough patch and God knew we needed her to bring us back to where we needed to be in our marriage. He knew we needed to hear not good news about our baby girl to draw us closer to Him. Avery's conception was done with purpose. We prayed Psalm 139 over her nightly. He wove her together in the dark of my womb. He knew we needed her. He knew the world needed her. There are no mistakes when babies are conceived. Each one is a gift from God. We might not understand the circumstances or why their lives may end before birth or shortly after, but they had a purpose and their purpose was full filled.
Wow, I got a bit preachy there!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friends
Last night my girlfriends came over and brought dinner for me. After we had finished eating Duncan had a sneaky grin on her face and was holding a bag in her hand......if you know this girl you never know what she is up to :) We were all on the couch, she handed me a card, and passed around a wrapped boxes to all the girls. I opened Duncan's first, it was a bracelet, I thanked her for the bracelet and put it on :) Well, I then had to take it off because I was told too, Rose held it out for me. They each handed me their gifts and in each box was a charm to go on the bracelet! Each was something special that meant alot about Avery and her short life. We all sat and cried. I tried to lighten the mood by saying who the gift was from and something that was funny and personal between me and that person. We then endulged in a honeybun cake, played apples to apples, and reverted back to 10th grade :) I am soo blessed to have such wonderful ladies in my life! Ones to help me through the pain, lift me up, and let me know that they haven't forgotten Avery.
Some say time heals all wounds. But I don't know about the wound of losing a child. It gets harder and harder every day. The longing gets worse. Some days I can function, others I just sit on the couch in shear misery. I just sit and cry. Stare off into space. Wonder what she's doing in Heaven. Wonder what she looks like. Mainly ponder on what life would be like if she were here. I want soooo badly to touch her. Last night ET asked me what was the first thing I wanted to do with Avery was when we got to heaven. I couldn't narrow it down to one thing but the three most important are to kiss her, hug her, and tell her a thousand times that I love her.
I have always felt I was in God's will. That he had something very special ahead of me and was going to do big things in my life for Him. I had no idea that it was to witness to others through the loss of my daughter though. The only way I can survive this is to glorify Him for her life and for the purpose she served.
Some say time heals all wounds. But I don't know about the wound of losing a child. It gets harder and harder every day. The longing gets worse. Some days I can function, others I just sit on the couch in shear misery. I just sit and cry. Stare off into space. Wonder what she's doing in Heaven. Wonder what she looks like. Mainly ponder on what life would be like if she were here. I want soooo badly to touch her. Last night ET asked me what was the first thing I wanted to do with Avery was when we got to heaven. I couldn't narrow it down to one thing but the three most important are to kiss her, hug her, and tell her a thousand times that I love her.
I have always felt I was in God's will. That he had something very special ahead of me and was going to do big things in my life for Him. I had no idea that it was to witness to others through the loss of my daughter though. The only way I can survive this is to glorify Him for her life and for the purpose she served.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
and life goes on
I returned to work this week. I worked half a day Wednesday, worked up to a 6 hour day Thursday, and then did a full 8.5 hours yesterday. I never thought I would get caught up but I actually did and go a huge head start on a few things. I actually enjoyed being back at work. It's nice to have a routine back. I haven't had to do any patient care yet which is a good thing. I staff half a day Wednesday.....I haven't even tried on my scrubs to see if they fit yet! I guess I should do that soon in case I need to purchase a new set to get me through until I can get back into my regular ones :) I am soo anxious about taking care of a pregnant lady. I miss my belly. I miss Avery being there, all safe, and sound. On Thursday when I went to run errands at the hospital I was sooo scared of seeing someone who didn't know about Avery's passing. I kept my head down and prayed no one would notice me. And it worked! The places I needed to go were places where everyone knew about her. I was very emotional that day and was afraid of what would come out of my mouth or if I would cry on someone. Most of the time I don't mind people asking how she is......because I get to say, "She is doing well actually, she's in heaven." That doesn't always come out though.....some times it's, "uh...er....she passed...." or "um, well, she didn't survive." It's like Forrest Gump's box of chocolate bit....you never know what you are gonna get. Eric picked me up from work yesterday and I get in the car and notice he's quiet (which if you know my husband is not like him at all) then I realize what song is playing.....Cinderella. I grab his hand and kiss it. We quietly cried together, missing those moments we looked forward to experiencing with Avery. Then Glorious Day came on. I smiled the biggest smile (the one where my eyes disappear :)) and laughed. God and Avery were reminding us to not dwell or be sad.....that one Glorious Day He will return and take us Home! We will see her again, we will hold her again, we will kiss our sweet baby girl again....one glorious day! The days get harder but each day that comes and goes is just one more day that brings us closer to meeting Jesus! Speaking of that Glorious Day.....Last night we had a ginormous storm system come though. Lots of lightning and thunder. It was a little after 2am when I heard the loudest and longest roar of thunder I have ever heard, the house shook it was soo loud. I honestly thought the Lord was coming. I shook Eric awake and told him I thought the Lord was coming and he said, "how awesome would that be". We laid there in silence for a few minutes then I asked Eric if he was asking God to forgive him of his sins and he said yes, I replied...."Well, good, I am too, and I want you to go with me."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Keeping focus
It's been a very rough week. I am getting more anxious as my return to work date draws near. I have to go back, I don't want to, but life MUST go on. I can't sit here at the house all day long or make trips to Target just to get out of the house and leaving with more stuff than I need. It will be good to get back into a routine. I got my Merina yesterday. We decided on that route of birth control because with oral contraceptives it can take a year for your cycle to become normal and as soon as the iud is out, your cycle is back to normal right away. We plan to have it out March of 2010 and start trying for baby #2 then. We hope to have another girl so we can use alot of Avery's clothes and such. She was such a blessed baby! We have more clothes than she would have needed. I have given some items away but most of the stuff I am very attached to and can't part with. My mom and I went to a Tanger Outlet Center after we found out Avery was a girl and she went crazy buying stuff. I would pick up stuff here and there and boy did it amount up! She was very blessed at her baby shower too! Many of her big items, crib, pack and play, and swing are gender neutral. Her baby bag however is not, it has a coral trim....don't think a boy would like that! I had mixed feeling about using her stuff on another child but I honestly don't think she would care :) So, when I got home yesterday I did some more research on the Merina and scared myself! I wanted it out right then and there. Most of the comments on it were positive, only a handful were bad, but bad enough for me to question if I did the right thing. I sure hope I did because my insurance only covered less than half of it and I had to fork out the rest! I've been having a hard time dealing with Avery's death the past few weeks. At times I get angry, others I am glad she's not on this horrible earth, but most of the time I am just sooo sad. Looking at her picutres brings me to tears. I wonder what she would look like now, how much would she weigh, and what her cry would sound like. I can't sleep. All I can do at night is think of her, how she should be beside us, waking us up at all hours of the night for a feeding and a diaper change. Many people complain about such things but I know that with our next I will cherish it. The other night we were wondering what her coo would sound like, so in ET and Becky fashion, we laid in bed and made cooing sounds! It was hilarious! Its those moments that get us through, knowing her purpose was served, and that we WILL see her again one day! It's amazing how people remember us. I ran into the ultrasound tech at the doc yesterday who did all but one of our ultrasounds, she ran up to me, and hugged me. She said that one day she was talking to Dr. Welt and mentioned that I said I would bring Avery by to meet her and I hadn't yet, and he told her about Avery. She cried, told me how sorry she was, and said she had been praying for us. They do multiple ultrasounds all day long so it tickles me when people remember us. I am going to NC this weekend to visit one of my best friends and Eric is going to Atlanta with his buddies. They are going to Wrestlemania! HAHA! They invited me but I kindly declined the offer! Hopefully some time out of town will do us both some good. We are going to Destin in May!! Driving over to Orlanda for a few nights and then we plan to go to Clearwater to meet another couple who unfortunaltey experienced the same thing we did with Avery just a few weeks after us. They are soo sweet and I can't wait to meet them!
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