I cannot believe it's been 8 months since I laid eyes on Avery for the first time. 8 months since I feel in love with that tub of love, since my world was shattered when our baby girl didn't make a noise after they removed her from my womb, since I knew what being a "momma" felt like, and the only time I was blessed to hear her cry.
As time goes on I feel like I am standing still. Oct. 5th was year mark that we found out Avery's arms and legs were not measuring 21 weeks like the rest of her body, but 15 weeks. Oct 7th was the day we were told with certainty she had Achondoplasia. Oct. 9th was the day we told we didn't have to accept this diagnosis, that God could heal her, and that's the day we spoke of a supernatural healing over Avery. She received her healing....just not the one we spoke over her. She received a healing greater than we ever asked for. I miss her more and more with each passing second. If someone tells you time heals all wounds, don't listen to them. Nothing will heal the pain of losing a child, except when our Lord calls us home and we can be with her again! Each day is a struggle to get through but each day that passes is one more day closer to being with her. I long to kiss her sweet lips and smell her again. To feel her in my arms again would be heaven on earth.
ET and I debate on what she would be for Halloween. I say a pea in the pod, a lady bug, or pumpkin, but he says a peanut! We talk about her alot and wonder what she would be doing. What her laugh would sound like and what would make her laugh. Since we expected her to be here with us it's hard to not think of those things. I had a bad day on Tuesday and my mom picked me up for work. I was talking about how I wanted Avery here and she kept saying that she is better off because she would have no quality at life but we were expecting a healthy baby. Not one that would have flat ribs, flat vertebra, extremely short limbs, a depressed nasal bridge, a bell shaped thorax, redundant skin folds bossed forehead, and femurs that looked like telephone receivers. I never imagined I would be holding our sweet baby girl as she took her last breath. I never imagine I would leave that hospital without her. I never imagined this would ever happen to us.
I am stuck and I need a change.
I took a new position back in July because they were changing the clinic I worked at and the new company didn't employ RN's. I took this position knowing that by the end of 2012 or sooner the software system I would support and educate on would be switched to another system, I took it in hopes that I would also be the clinical support for it. Well......the corporation I work for has an Information Systems team and a Clinical Informatics team.....the Clinical Informatics team will be educating on the software and the IS team already has a system support team at our corporate IS center.....soo.....that leaves me with no job. I was called for an interview with the CI team but I don't want to drive to Johnson City daily (an hour and a half drive) if my home hospital is not JMH. So, I applied with the software system I work PRN for. I flew out to Dallas on Wednesday and received a job offer the next day. The pay and benefits are way too phenomenal to pass up. The downside however is I will be traveling weekly, Monday through Thursday. I need something to keep my mind busy and I feel this job will. Eric and I have weighed the pro's and con's of the job and we think we can do it. I am just glad I don't have to move to Dallas, that place is flat! I def can't move away from the mountains!
I hate to leave JMH. I have formed a family there and it broke my heart when I gave my notice on Friday. I work with a great group of people and leaving them is going to be hard. We are extremly short staffed as it is and I feel terrible for leaving but I have to do that is best for me. Side note: Dog are amazing. I am getting emotional and guess who decides to hop on the couch and put her head on my arm....yep, Molly :)
