I woke up this morning and set a goal for myself....to start living again. I can't hide in my corner anymore. I can not remain stagnate.
Sunday in church Pastor Beck preached on Matthew 24. This is where God gives us signs of the end times. He wasn't preaching on this because of the whole May 21st thing, we have been reading through the book of Matthew for quite some time now and that is just where we happened to be. I do not know when the Lord will come but I can tell you that I want to be ready with each breath I take. At the end of service there are always deacons standing at each exit, one took ET's hand, and said, you will get to see that little one again soon. It's amazing how God works. I cried all through service because the worship team sang Glorious Day....my fav song of all time and cried tears of joy knowing I will see her again and then that man said that to ET.
On Saturday I went to Plum Alley Day with Andi and her daughter Aubrie who will be turning 4 next month. I was sitting there watching all the mothers with their babies and was starting to get anxious when out of the but Aubrie looks me dead in the face and says, "where's your baby?". It's been almost 4 months since Avery passed and it's the first time she has said anything about her. I said, "she's in heaven with Jesus". God knew I needed a distraction and to talk about her. Yesterday Eric said he was missing her a few times during the day and then he watched his nephew Chase while his parents went to a funeral. They were playing leggo's and he asked ET out of the blue if he cried when Avery passed away, he of course said yes, and Chase said his brother Dylan did too. Eric said Chase sat there for a few minutes and said, "well, don't worry, you will see her again". He is 6. How sweet!!! It is these times that make up for the bad ones. For instance...I have had one guy in the IT department at work ask me TWICE how my baby is doing......really...you honestly don't remember the first time you asked and I cried like a loon and told you she passed away......people kill me sometimes.
I get my IUD removed in 7 days and I can not wait! My body just doesn't like it and I can't wait to make another baby! I hope the Lord blesses us with another one soon. And I hope it's another beautiful girl. I want a house full of mean rotten girls :) Of course they will all have their daddy wrapped around their finger! Avery had him wrapped around her finger the first time he heard her heart beat! When we talk about names nothing ever seems right....I just love the name Avery and nothing seems to equal it. But we are jumping the gun on the names thing....we tired for 2 years before Avery was conceived but the Lords timing with her was perfect. He sent her to save my life but most importantly my marriage.
God is soo good and wonderful. When I sit back and think of how He made the earth, created man, healed the sick, raised the dead, and that He created me, it truly amazes me and I wonder how people can not believe in Him. I've been asked many times if I am angry at God over Avery's passing. How could I be? He blessed us with that tub of love for 39 weeks in my womb, and 3 days on this earth. He created her for a purpose. She had more of an impact on this earth in 3 days than either Eric or I have in almost 29 years. Yes, I am hurt she isn't here but I will see her again and when I do lay eyes on her again, it will be for eternity. I will never have to say bye to her again. What a Glorious Day that will be!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
post vacation
The beach was fantastic! Going right before peak season is the best time to go. A physician that works in my clinic owns a condo in Santa Rosa Beach, Fl, which is 12 miles east of Destin, and after Avery passed I knew we needed a get away and I asked if we could use it, to which he said "it's yours" before I could get the question out.
While reading a book about grieving I found a statistic that floored me but now that we are further into the grieving process than when I read it the statistic makes sense. 60% of couples who endure an infant loss will be divorced within 2 years. The second I read that I told Eric and we promised each other that we would not be a couple who becomes part of that statistic. And getting away was an idea we had to help us grow closer.
The trip is 11 hours one way. We had a great time along the way. We stopped and ate at one of our fav southwestern grills. Had crazy conversations to keep each other awake. I had some GI issues after eating at said fav southestern grill during a dead spot in Alabama.....that was an adventure! We finally arrived a little after midnight, took our stuff in, and then headed to the beach. I love the smell of the ocean at night. We were wired by the time we got there so we watched a few episodes of criminal minds......which is never a good idea that late at night in an unfamiliar place :) We were in a different time zone so I woke up really early the next day. I went there last year with some friends so I knew my way around and went to Wal-Mart for some food before 8am! When I got back I woke ET up and we headed for the beach. It was our 6 year wedding anniversary and the day that some "Christians" believed would be the day the Lord was coming for His children. We basked in the sun and thanked the Lord for his beautiful creation. There is something about being at the beach.........it feel more closer to Him, physically and emotionally. To know He made such a wonder just by speaking it puts me in awe. We talked alot about the Rapture. We are good at keeping each other accountable, making sure our hearts are ready for the Lord to come at any second so that we can join Avery in Heaven when our physical time clock runs out. We talked about how cute Avery would be, a big ball of love in a tiny baby bikini, and how spoiled she would be :) It was a bit hard seeing other infants and seeing my fav childrens clothing stores when we went shopping. We saw a build-a-bear workshop and wondered what Avery would pick out for herself. We did think to have something made for her to put by her urn but decided not to for some reason.
When we would see families out with their small children I would feel a tug at my heart. Thinking that should be us. Longing for what they had....which I know is wrong. The Lord will bless us with another child when the time is ready, which I pray is sooner than later.
The good days are starting to out weigh the bad. But that doesn't mean I miss her any less. I miss her more with each beat of my heart. I can smile at her pictures now. I used to just break down and cry when I would look at them but they bring me joy now. When I look at the one of me kissing her I can feel it as if it was that day again. It makes me want to go back to that day and smother her with more kisses and hugs.
Today we were watching something and a baby on the show was crying. Eric said he wasn't looking forward to all the crying of a baby but he can't wait for it now :) I always knew he would be a good daddy but not this good :)
While reading a book about grieving I found a statistic that floored me but now that we are further into the grieving process than when I read it the statistic makes sense. 60% of couples who endure an infant loss will be divorced within 2 years. The second I read that I told Eric and we promised each other that we would not be a couple who becomes part of that statistic. And getting away was an idea we had to help us grow closer.
The trip is 11 hours one way. We had a great time along the way. We stopped and ate at one of our fav southwestern grills. Had crazy conversations to keep each other awake. I had some GI issues after eating at said fav southestern grill during a dead spot in Alabama.....that was an adventure! We finally arrived a little after midnight, took our stuff in, and then headed to the beach. I love the smell of the ocean at night. We were wired by the time we got there so we watched a few episodes of criminal minds......which is never a good idea that late at night in an unfamiliar place :) We were in a different time zone so I woke up really early the next day. I went there last year with some friends so I knew my way around and went to Wal-Mart for some food before 8am! When I got back I woke ET up and we headed for the beach. It was our 6 year wedding anniversary and the day that some "Christians" believed would be the day the Lord was coming for His children. We basked in the sun and thanked the Lord for his beautiful creation. There is something about being at the beach.........it feel more closer to Him, physically and emotionally. To know He made such a wonder just by speaking it puts me in awe. We talked alot about the Rapture. We are good at keeping each other accountable, making sure our hearts are ready for the Lord to come at any second so that we can join Avery in Heaven when our physical time clock runs out. We talked about how cute Avery would be, a big ball of love in a tiny baby bikini, and how spoiled she would be :) It was a bit hard seeing other infants and seeing my fav childrens clothing stores when we went shopping. We saw a build-a-bear workshop and wondered what Avery would pick out for herself. We did think to have something made for her to put by her urn but decided not to for some reason.
When we would see families out with their small children I would feel a tug at my heart. Thinking that should be us. Longing for what they had....which I know is wrong. The Lord will bless us with another child when the time is ready, which I pray is sooner than later.
The good days are starting to out weigh the bad. But that doesn't mean I miss her any less. I miss her more with each beat of my heart. I can smile at her pictures now. I used to just break down and cry when I would look at them but they bring me joy now. When I look at the one of me kissing her I can feel it as if it was that day again. It makes me want to go back to that day and smother her with more kisses and hugs.
Today we were watching something and a baby on the show was crying. Eric said he wasn't looking forward to all the crying of a baby but he can't wait for it now :) I always knew he would be a good daddy but not this good :)
What a nice surprise to cone home to!
Through my friend Kim, who also had a daughter with TD, I found this blog where you can put your decest childs name on a waiting list and have their name written in the sand! They only open their request page at certain times and you have to catch it at the right moment and I did a few days before we left for our vacation. I didn't check the waiting list because I thought it would be a week or so before she made it there but I checked it today and her name wasn't there. So, I thought I messed it up and my request didn't go through but I started to scroll through the names for May and there it was! It was done on the day we left for our beach vacation :) I can't wait to get the prints and hang one in the house and in my office!
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/05/avery-grace-coley.html
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/05/avery-grace-coley.html
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
crazy life
Avery's marker has been laid! It's sooo pretty! We got our bill in the mail on Saturday which included a picture of the marker! On Sunday after church Eric and I went in search of it. We couldn't find it. We left our map of the cemetery at home but thought if we looked for fresh dirt we could find it. We drove around that place 10 times and gave up. Our parents came over later in the evening and we went in search of it. We found it right off the bat :) Well, Eric did :) My dad brought a ceramic duck with blue flowers in it. I am glad he thought of it because we didn't. Even though we had her cremated it was important to our families to have a "memorial site". I guess it's just a cultural thing for them.
Eric and I are going on an anniversary/vacation trip on Friday. We are leaving for Destin, FL at noon! I am soooo excited! We haven't taken a solo trip in a very long time. Saturday is our 6 year wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have been married that long! I am glad to get away and celebrate. Last year we weren't on the best terms and didn't do anything so I am thankful we are doing well and are able to go away and enjoy each others company. I am sad to leave Brodie and Molly behind and I would take them with me if I could but a 10 hour drive would be misery for them.
There are lots of things going on for me now. I am having complications from my IUD and will be having it removed in June. I won't go on any other form of birth control. I know the Lord will bless us with another child when the time is right. I am also job hunting :( The hospital system I work for also has a medical office system under them that has Urgent Care Centers within it so they will be handing us over to them. They don't hire RN's to do the patient care and there is already someone who does my job. I am broken hearted over this. The people I work with are family. We have formed our own family there. We have all been there since it opened except two people.....3.5 years later. They will help us find other jobs within our hospital system but I am spoiled to my M-F, no weekends schedule. But God will lead me where I am to go. I am super nervous because I've never not received a job offer after an interview....I am scared of rejection.
I miss her. We talk often about how much we miss her even though she was only here for 3 days, actually 39 weeks and 3 days. I count from the time she was conceived. We still have our good days and bad days. The good are starting to out weigh the bad. But there isn't a moment that passes that I don't miss her. I was at the mall with a friend last week and we went into Crazy 8, a new children's clothing store that Gymboree opened, and they had the sweetest bathing suits! There was a two piece neon green one that I could just picture Avery in! All head and belly :) I can see her on the beach with us in that suit, white rimmed sunglasses, and a hat to protect her sweet baby skin. I told Eric about it and he said she would have to have a 3 month extra large because she was so big around :) The other night I held up her "coming home outfit" and we laughed at how it would have never fit her, it was way too small! I went through some of her clothes Monday night and just pictured her in them. Her dark hair would have been so pretty with all the purple and pink clothes she had. You can tell I am a hippie at heart with the clothes I picked out for her!
I still haven't put her baby items up. I just can't do it. Her swing is still in her play area, her pack and play is still up in our bedroom, and her room is exactly the same as when we left the morning I had her. Time goes on and it feels as if I am standing still. I want her here. I want to play with her hair and take in her scent. I've learned through this that grief is very individual and no book on grief will make you feel better. They are good at explaining the emotions with each stage and explaining that it is different for every one.
Maybe one day I will write a book about our journey through hearing bad news about our baby girl, believing without ceasing for a total physical healing, experiencing the death of our baby girl, and life afterwards. I will have to have a ghost writer of course.........I should have paid attention in english class!
Eric and I are going on an anniversary/vacation trip on Friday. We are leaving for Destin, FL at noon! I am soooo excited! We haven't taken a solo trip in a very long time. Saturday is our 6 year wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have been married that long! I am glad to get away and celebrate. Last year we weren't on the best terms and didn't do anything so I am thankful we are doing well and are able to go away and enjoy each others company. I am sad to leave Brodie and Molly behind and I would take them with me if I could but a 10 hour drive would be misery for them.
There are lots of things going on for me now. I am having complications from my IUD and will be having it removed in June. I won't go on any other form of birth control. I know the Lord will bless us with another child when the time is right. I am also job hunting :( The hospital system I work for also has a medical office system under them that has Urgent Care Centers within it so they will be handing us over to them. They don't hire RN's to do the patient care and there is already someone who does my job. I am broken hearted over this. The people I work with are family. We have formed our own family there. We have all been there since it opened except two people.....3.5 years later. They will help us find other jobs within our hospital system but I am spoiled to my M-F, no weekends schedule. But God will lead me where I am to go. I am super nervous because I've never not received a job offer after an interview....I am scared of rejection.
I miss her. We talk often about how much we miss her even though she was only here for 3 days, actually 39 weeks and 3 days. I count from the time she was conceived. We still have our good days and bad days. The good are starting to out weigh the bad. But there isn't a moment that passes that I don't miss her. I was at the mall with a friend last week and we went into Crazy 8, a new children's clothing store that Gymboree opened, and they had the sweetest bathing suits! There was a two piece neon green one that I could just picture Avery in! All head and belly :) I can see her on the beach with us in that suit, white rimmed sunglasses, and a hat to protect her sweet baby skin. I told Eric about it and he said she would have to have a 3 month extra large because she was so big around :) The other night I held up her "coming home outfit" and we laughed at how it would have never fit her, it was way too small! I went through some of her clothes Monday night and just pictured her in them. Her dark hair would have been so pretty with all the purple and pink clothes she had. You can tell I am a hippie at heart with the clothes I picked out for her!
I still haven't put her baby items up. I just can't do it. Her swing is still in her play area, her pack and play is still up in our bedroom, and her room is exactly the same as when we left the morning I had her. Time goes on and it feels as if I am standing still. I want her here. I want to play with her hair and take in her scent. I've learned through this that grief is very individual and no book on grief will make you feel better. They are good at explaining the emotions with each stage and explaining that it is different for every one.
Maybe one day I will write a book about our journey through hearing bad news about our baby girl, believing without ceasing for a total physical healing, experiencing the death of our baby girl, and life afterwards. I will have to have a ghost writer of course.........I should have paid attention in english class!
Monday, May 9, 2011
mothers day and 3 months
Yesterday was a very emotional day for us.
Saturday night Eric told me I needed to go to bed and give him some time to get my mother's day gift from Avery ready.
I woke Sunday morning with a note in the shape of a heart beside my cell phone from Avery! I went to the bathroom and there was a note on the mirror that said, I love you because you are beautiful like me....Eric said I had notes all over the kitchen and living room. There were ten total, all of which had a special saying, each one strategically placed. The one of walking by faith was under a shoe, the one of taking care of her daddy was under our wedding photo, the one of being a christian woman was on my bible, the one of loving her was under a willow tree figurine of a mother holding her baby close......I cried and cried. I never thought Eric had something so loving in him.
I gave birth to that baby girl 3 months ago today.
3 months ago today I laid eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world.
3 months ago today we had the biggest scare of our lives when Avery did not come out crying and she had to be resuscitated.
3 months ago today my heart melted and I never felt as much love as I did when I laid eyes on Avery for the first time.
3 months ago today my heart was crush and ripped from my chest when Avery was on the brink of death.
3 months ago today thousands joined us in prayer.
3 months ago God used Avery to knock on the hearts of many who did not know Him.
I sincerely do not believe anyone when they say time heals. Each day is more crippling for me. I miss her more than words can describe. Just when I think the pain can't get any worse it does. When that pain consumes me all breath leaves my body, I feel an ache in my chest, and my arms go numb. I find myself asking why now more than ever. Why MY baby girl. Why did MY baby girl have to suffer. Why did WE have to watch our baby girl take her last breath. We are good people. We believe in You, Lord. We begged and pleaded with You. Before Avery was born, I had many visions.....her being born with a healthy body was my fav., but the one right before her birth was me seeing her for the first time in the NICU, on the ventilator, and me sitting in a wheelchair. I feel like I "willed" what happened to her because I saw that, because I allowed myself to see that. The morning we were driving to the hospital to have her I had a feeling we would never leave with her. Call it mothers intuition or knowledge from God.....but I feel as if I did something to cause this. I know this isn't true, our God is not a vengeful God. It's just the human in me. At times I want to crawl in a hole and cry myself to sleep. When I sleep I can't feel the pain, I don't miss her when I am asleep. I can't see the pain in Eric's eyes when we sleep.
Now one to something not so deep. At my last GYN appointment she said we could start trying again in 9 months from the day we had Avery. I am super excited about this! We may wait a few months longer just so I won't be huge during the summer. I would love to have a baby in October, then we could have Halloween themed birthday parties!
Saturday night Eric told me I needed to go to bed and give him some time to get my mother's day gift from Avery ready.
I woke Sunday morning with a note in the shape of a heart beside my cell phone from Avery! I went to the bathroom and there was a note on the mirror that said, I love you because you are beautiful like me....Eric said I had notes all over the kitchen and living room. There were ten total, all of which had a special saying, each one strategically placed. The one of walking by faith was under a shoe, the one of taking care of her daddy was under our wedding photo, the one of being a christian woman was on my bible, the one of loving her was under a willow tree figurine of a mother holding her baby close......I cried and cried. I never thought Eric had something so loving in him.
I gave birth to that baby girl 3 months ago today.
3 months ago today I laid eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world.
3 months ago today we had the biggest scare of our lives when Avery did not come out crying and she had to be resuscitated.
3 months ago today my heart melted and I never felt as much love as I did when I laid eyes on Avery for the first time.
3 months ago today my heart was crush and ripped from my chest when Avery was on the brink of death.
3 months ago today thousands joined us in prayer.
3 months ago God used Avery to knock on the hearts of many who did not know Him.
I sincerely do not believe anyone when they say time heals. Each day is more crippling for me. I miss her more than words can describe. Just when I think the pain can't get any worse it does. When that pain consumes me all breath leaves my body, I feel an ache in my chest, and my arms go numb. I find myself asking why now more than ever. Why MY baby girl. Why did MY baby girl have to suffer. Why did WE have to watch our baby girl take her last breath. We are good people. We believe in You, Lord. We begged and pleaded with You. Before Avery was born, I had many visions.....her being born with a healthy body was my fav., but the one right before her birth was me seeing her for the first time in the NICU, on the ventilator, and me sitting in a wheelchair. I feel like I "willed" what happened to her because I saw that, because I allowed myself to see that. The morning we were driving to the hospital to have her I had a feeling we would never leave with her. Call it mothers intuition or knowledge from God.....but I feel as if I did something to cause this. I know this isn't true, our God is not a vengeful God. It's just the human in me. At times I want to crawl in a hole and cry myself to sleep. When I sleep I can't feel the pain, I don't miss her when I am asleep. I can't see the pain in Eric's eyes when we sleep.
Now one to something not so deep. At my last GYN appointment she said we could start trying again in 9 months from the day we had Avery. I am super excited about this! We may wait a few months longer just so I won't be huge during the summer. I would love to have a baby in October, then we could have Halloween themed birthday parties!
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